Rape Support Group
If you or someone you know has been the victim of rape, this is the place to find support and get advice. If you want, discuss your experience, share your feelings, and meet others going through a similar situation.
Hi,
I am new to this site but have had the intention of reaching out for some support for a while now.. it has just felt a bit too much to take that first step.
First of all, here is a bit of my backstory;
A few years ago I met a guy at the uni I was attending and we ended up dating for a year and a half and living together. To not go into too much detail as quite frankly my brain as shut a lot of it out. However, he was controlling, manipulative and obssessed with sex. We would have to have sex every single day at least... whether I wanted to or not. He would make me feel insecure and compare me to other women and spin lies to constantly keep me surpressed. It was constant mental games to keep me under his control and he would regularly force me to have sex. When we did have sex, I would have to play by his rules and if I dare said it hurt (which it did) he would lose it and start blaming me and making it out as if there was something wrong with me because I was in pain. It eventually got to the point where I was so warn down I just gave in and let him do as he wished - I was a shell. He would keep me from seeing my family and he gradually cut off all of my friends, however, one night I met two incredible people as my ex left me at an event (because he couldn't get a drink -_- ) and this was the moment my life changed. These two increible people could tell something wasn't right and they helped me escape my situation. I ended my relationship with my ex... feeling lost, confused and crazily enough I didn't even realise that he had been raping me continously for a year and a half until about two months after. I remember it hit me and flooded in. At that moment, I just turned off... for months, completely numb. I stopped eating, sleeping, began drinking more and I cut off every relationship around me except for the two amazing people who saved me. I had no where to live as I was living in my ex's apartment so my two new pals took me in and looked after me. I still live with them now and to this day, I feel so lucky, as I think without them I doubt I'd be here.
For the first year after the rape realisation, I self-harmed; had such high levels of anxiety I couldn't go anywhere alone, had constant flashbacks, most of the time I was so depressed I couldn't bare to smile and if I was left alone for five minutes I was spiral down into such a low point all I could think about was killing myself. I struggled looking at myself in the mirror as I didn't recognise my own face and my whole memory dissapeared to the point that I knew I was meant to love my family but somehow couldn't remember why or understand my connection with them.
Now, two years on, I am in a much better place but I do find that sometimes I feel extremely alone with it. Family and friends were amazing when it was all at its peak but I do find that now I am capable of going through the day, I can never find the right moment to talk about it but I do feel like I need to. The thing is, now it doesn't crush me like it did, which means I can function but also, it means its just easier to hide the pain now. It still really hurts me but I find I understand those feelings less now. I still can't remember a lot of my life before which makes it hard to tackle those emotions and feelings. I am also still living in the same city that it all happened in which makes it hard to enjoy my time here. I recently had to graduate in the same room as my ex - my rapist. I had to walk up on stage and accept my award in what was meant to be the proudest moment of my life but instead was overshadow by his prescense. It was so hard. I got through it but it affected me a lot. It's been a month or so since my graduation and I am back to myself, but I do feel like sometimes like there is a lot unresolved and I just really want a release for all of those emotions.
This is a condensed version of what had happened but I was just really hoping to find others to talk to that have been through similar situations. I feel like there is a lot of support when it first happens but there isn't much information on what happens in the later stages of recovery...
You are so brave sharing your story and going through all that you have gone through!
My story is different in that stuff happened to me by a family member and the subsequent times it was total strangers. Everybody keeps telling me to just keep talking about it and that helps things get better. I am still very new in trying to deal with my mess but I read your post and wanted you to know that although our stories are different you are heard and there is support here.
Thanks for reaching out... our stories may differ but we both understand how difficult this is for each other. Well, I think you're incredibly brave and like everyone keeps saying, it will get better.. for both of us.. but that doesn't mean that the journey there isn't difficult.
It's hard cause I know that the more I talk about the more I will come to terms with it and the less it would be weighing down over me but most of the time it feels almost impossible to talk about. I just worry I will make people feel uncomfortable so I wait for that "perfect" time but to be honest there's never gonna be a perfect time. My friends and family always reassure me to not even think like that as they're so supportive but I just can't get past my own block you know?
Honestly thanks again so much for reaching out.. I'm always here to chat. Like you said our experiences may have been different but we can relate and understand.. sometimes I feel like no-one I know will ever truly understand and that can be lonely sometimes... so lets not get too lonely! We got this hehe
You are very welcome! I truly believe that this is the hardest thing I will go through in my life.
There will never be a perfect time to talk about it because let's be honest even though we want to talk about it we also don't want to talk about it. Your friends and your support system will be able to handle you talking about it, to be honest you will probably be more uncomfortable than they will. I totally understand the block because for me it is hard for me to even think that my feelings are valid. If you aren't up to talking to your friends like I have said you can always message me and I will talk to you about it.
The truth is unless you have been through it they won't fully understand what you are going through but that doesn't mean that they can't validate the legitimacy of your feelings. None of my friends have experienced anything like what I have gone through and they tell me all the time that they are so sorry it happened and it is not my fault etc. Pretty much all of the standard responses but after that they don't know what to say because they have never experienced the stuff we have. They still want me to talk about it and sometimes I do. It is way too easy to isolate yourself so please talk either to your friends or someone on here... You are not alone!
Everything you've said does make so much sense. You're definitely right that when it comes down to it, it is best to talk, as whenever I do I always feel such a sense of relief that my problems have been shared and it makes me feel like the weight on my shoulders isn't as heavy. It's nice to know that you get how I'm feeling. With my friends and family I get that it is hard for them to understand something so alien to them but that doesn't always make it easier. I think sometimes it's just that I don't want what happened to weigh down on me and affect me for ever. You're right that this is the hardest thing to go through but it does get easier as time goes on and obviously some days are better than others. I don't know about you but what happened to me completely changed my life - like literally turned everything upside down. I had to distance myself from every single person I knew before it happened because all of my friends were friends with "him"... I just couldn't bare to face any of it so I started everything again. I just find it strange that I had a completely different life before. It's been the longest and hardest journey but I do feel proud to be able to say that I have come this far. A year ago I couldn't even leave the house and every day would be the biggest battle and somedays I would doubt if I would even make it through the day. The depression and anxiety was so exhausting and the flashbacks were horrible. Luckily all of that has died down quite a bit now and I actually do feel so proud of myself but I just didn't expect to still be effected by it this far down the line... but I think I'm coming to realise that this isn't going to go away but I can learn overtime how to deal with it and hopefully turn these feelings into something positive. Thank you so much - it's nice to know there's someone who understands all this. If you ever need someone to talk to I'm always here for a chat :) We can get through this - I promise!
I totally understand how you are feeling as this is something that I am struggling with now... talking about it all is so hard even though I know I need to do it. I don't really talk to my family about any of it since the first time anything happened to me it was a family member who did it. My friends are more than happy to listen but I am always fearful that on some level they will judge me even though I know how illogical it is. I ask my therapist how long until all of this stuff doesn't matter as much to me and she says that it's different for every person I just hope that it gets better sooner rather than later. You are 100% right I feel the same way like my life has been changed. It's crazy to think how somebody else's decision has changed MY life. It changed my life so much so that as soon as I was old enough I moved out of the state I couldn't stay there anymore.
It sounds like you have made great progress since it first happened that is awesome! You really are strong! Don't forget how strong you are to have gone through so much and pushed passed it every day.
I will send you a private message later with my story you can read it if you like but if you don't want to you don't have to. I hope you have a great thanksgiving.
Yeah it is so hard to talk about it now.. just never "the right time". I really feel your pain - I understand that it's such a sense of betrayal when it's someone who you're meant to be able to trust. I have stopped counselling now (can't really afford it these days) but I found it helped so much. Your therapist is right that time really differs for every person. If you don't mind me asking how long has it been since? I was looking through my diary this morning and I was reading some of my entries from when it all first happened. My mindset back then was quite scary and I was really hurting. It is difficult to read but one thing it did remind me was how far I've come. I think sometimes we can get so frustrated with ourselves and angry at the fact that we're not feeling 100% back to our happiest versions of ourselves but this is a huge ordeal that no one should ever have to go through and looking back it showed me how far I have come. I am sure the same can be said for you. Yes, the journey may not be over yet but this journey we've had to endure whether we wanted to or not is huge and we have had to be so strong to even spend a day in our shoes so I think we should both be so proud that not only are we getting better each and every day but that we have been through the worst and come out the other side. Sometimes It does feel so unfair that someone else's choices have completely changed our lives but I know that it has given me a whole new perspective now... Ah I wish I could have moved away. I've had to stay in the same city - "he" moved away so luckily there's no chance of me seeing him but I hate seeing the same places where everything happened everyday.. but again it does all get easier with time. Same to you! We're both strong and we can do this! Please do drop me a message - would love to hear your story and hopefully help in some way and maybe share some more too :) (p.s. no thanksgiving here in england boooo but hope you had an awesome time)