I’m going to take you back. No not to the beginning, but to the nights that will haunt me forever.

 Night 1: October 13, 2014. My 19^th birthday, the night my whole life changed. Now this isn’t easy to write and I’m going to get in to major details. My birthday, I had to work that night at steak n shake (that’s where I worked my first job) and my boyfriend at the time was planning on picking me up which he did. On the same day I had started my period, so I wasn’t feeling to great. So, we got to my mom’s house (the first place it all happened) I go to the bathroom and change in to sweat pants and a tee shirt and we were laying watching something on tv, this is one thing from that night I can’t recall. I had made it very clear that night before we got home that I didn’t want to do anything sexual. So, there we are alone in the basement (that’s were my room was it was spilt in half and I shared the other half with my brother) laying on my bed as we usually did when he starts to touch me. I had said no and to stop as I said no he turned me on my stomach by the side of my bed where my wall is and I feel my pants being lowered. I keep saying to stop but at that moment I feel myself freezing as I feel what is being done. I was being raped… but not just raped anally raped... I’m lying flat on my stomach with him on top of me holding me down. I lay there lifeless for a few minutes and I start to cry, I finally get the strength to get up. He’s sitting on my bed and I’m in the hallway to my closet area, I tell him to leave... He tries to apologize. But I stand there not making any eye contact and tell him to leave and he does. I didn’t want it to happen so for the rest of the night I lay holding my pillow.

Night 2: October 18, 2014. I know what your thinking why give him a second chance. Looking back, I ask myself why all the time. At that time, I still loved him and thought he would change, boy was I wrong. On this night we are at his house. I’m in sweat pants again because I am in the end stages of my period. Again, I made it very clear that I didn’t want to do anything. So, we are laying in the bed he’s on his side I’m laying on my back when I feel him turning me to my side. So, I thought we were going to cuddle like we normally did. I felt his arm reach around my side and he pulls me closer, at this time I finally felt safe around him and thought he was really going to change. Then I feel him pulling my pants down again I pull his arm away with my hand and I feel him grab my arm and put his weight on me again. I again lay there lifeless like by body had froze in place as I get raped the same way I did that other night… I lay there frozen for the few minutes tears going down my face. When I finally break free again. That night he took me home that was the quietist car ride I’ve ever had…

Typing this isn’t easy… Fighting to urge to cut again for the second night in a row as I type this isn’t easy. All these flashback and memories I have aren’t easy to live with. Feeling like in ready to give up the fight is the worst feeling in the world. I feel like I have nothing to live for and that it would be better if I was gone and away from all this pain. This isn’t a story there are no happy endings…. I’m so tired of feeling hopeless. This is for the people who didn’t believe me. Who thought it was something I did…. the first time wasn’t but maybe the second time it was.