WARNING: This gets graphic. 

"So it was forced?" "I didn't say yes, but I didn't say no." "Then it was non-consentual," the doctor said with so much confidence. It was as if she said, "the sky is blue," or, "2+2=4." I hadn't realised that I had been raped until that office visit to the women's health center at my college campus's health center. It's still hard for me, 6 months later, to call it rape. I knew in my gut when it happened it was not ok, but at the time I felt like I had to go through with it; as if I owed him something. Growing up I always pictured rape as the poor girl walking back to her car alone at night and from the shadows the predator attacks. We all are taught to stay in pairs, watch your drink, carry your pepper spray, and when all else fails wear your keys through the cracks of your fingers like you're wolverine. What we're taoght to be prepared for an assault, an attack from some pervy dude we wouldn't touch with a 10 foot pole. What about the ones we want, or at least think we want, to fuck? What about the one's we willingly go home with or bring back to our rooms, the one's we might've fantasized about, or even dated? It's like the minuet you tell someone you want some dick they think you have "no right" to "complain" and you can't be the victim because "you wanted it" or "you were asking for it." I juat feel like I need to share my story for the many victims that feel like I have. Those who feel like they weren't "really" raped, who didn't fight and scream, who just "let it happen." This is from a victim who still feels like she isn't a "legit" victim, even though I know it was rape I still get this feeling like I don't have the right to call myself a victim. Here is my story:

It was the end of Novmber, 2017, my first semester of my junior year of college was coming to an end. My roommate at the time introduced me to some dating apps and I was hooked. By this time I had a few hookups, so i was getting used to some respectable casual sex. I met this guy I thought was hot, thought being the key thing here ok, and we matched and started talking on one of these apps. We exchanged our snapchats and I got a new selfie from him just confirming I wasn't talking to a different person. I highly suggest doing this before you decide to meet a stranger from the internet lol. He wanted to come over to my place and I was like, "yea sure, we can watch a movie." I willingly let him into my home. My roommate and some of her soroity sisters were there. None of us really knew this guy, but I thought he was a decent enough human to welcome into my space. I thought he and I would probably end up hooking up, but that is assuming we were both feeling each other and consented. Well he gets to my place and I'm like oh hell no. This dude was a 9 in his pics, but like a 3 in real life. I was disappointed. I wasn't going to be rude and be like leave though, even though I cou;d have and probably should have. He stands upstairs with all of us and is just being rude playing on his phone, ignoring the conversation. Then we had to go to my room bc they were having a private soroity meeting in the living room. We're in my room now just talking and pick a movie to watch. When I talked to him, he seemed really nice. 

We have the movie playing and he starts complaing about his back and shoulders hurting. I offered to rub them for him. He accepts and asks if I minded he took his shirt off. I didn't mind, it's a lot easier to give a good massage if you don't have a shirt on. So he's laying on his stomach on my bed and I'm sitting on top of him rubbing his back and shoulders. He's enjoying it and telling me I'm doing a good job. He then asks if I minded rubbing his chest for him. Now at this point I was feeling a little weird, but I didn't think too much of it bc my ex liked it when I rubbed his chest, so I was like sure. He flips over so I am now sitting on top of him and we're face to face. I'm rubbing his chest then he grabs my head, pulls me down and starts kissing me. He then starts to feel me up. By this point I'm very uncomfortable and I pull my head away. Now let me just go ahead and mention this guy is like twice my size. He is very broad and tall. He was telling about how he lifted weights. He also has pretty big hands. He then grabs my neck really hard and tight and says, "so, you like being told what to do?" He said that as a statement, not a question. His one hand completely and firmly was clamped onto my neck. He did that so suddenly and forcefully. That changed the entire tone and mood. I went from uncomfortable to very scared. He then grabbed my hair and yanked it back. He stated, " you want me to break you in?" I was in shock. I shook my head no, I was at a loss for words. He then began to take my clothes off and admire me in my underwear. He told me to take my bra and underwear off. I did, I wish I didn't, but I was scared. He pushed my head down to his crotch and made me give him oral. I began to think to myself, "ok, just blow himuntil he finishes, then he won't have sex with you. Just go along with it and make it good so he'll finish, then he'll go away and you'll never have to see him again." I tried my best to make him finish like that, but of course that wasn't good enough for him and he made me stop. He kept trying to have sex without a condom, he was trying to convince me and I said no. I made him put one on. He pulled me on top of him. I tried to ease down so it wouldn't hurt as much, but he just pushed my hips down and thrusted hard and fast into me. It hurt so bad and I said stop. He then moved me into missionary so he wouldn't hurt me, even though he already caused a nightmare that would haunt me forever. He still kept hard and fast in missionary and it hurt so bad. He moved me to doggy, I was crying because it hurt. i told him to stop to slow down. I just wanted it to be over. He said you take over. I felt sick and tried going and I told him to just finish. When he finally did and pulled out he freaked out. He said, "oh my God, you're bleeding." I was so scared that he ripped me or caused some serious damage. I was on the pill and was not due for a period. The amount I was bleeding was like I was on my period. He layed there and talked to me as if he didn't just deface my morality or violate my body. He then left out of my bedroom window because he didn't want to leave infront of all the girls in my living room and have them "slut-shame" him. Yea, he said that. I blocked him on everything after that.

I made an appointment later that week at women's health to get everything checked out. I told them my reason for coming in was an "unpleasent sexual experience." They did a physical exam and std/sti testing and brought in a counselor to talk with me. I've had later testing since him and I'm clean. He didn't rip me either, the doctor said the forced entry and lack of lubrication caused the bleeding. I didn't report him or press charges because I felt, and still do feel like I wouldn't win the case. They told me that what happened was rape and most cases are similar to thid, but many go unreported because people are either ashamed or don't feel like they're a victim because it was their fault. The doctor and counselor told me I did the right thing. Sometimes going along with it can save your life. We don't know what he could've done if I fought back. I wish I did. I wish I screamed or left the room or something different. I feel like I let this happen. I feel like I let myself down. I feel like it's my fault. I know it's not, but it's hard for me to believe sometimes because there are so many what if's. I don't even think he knows or thinks he did anything wrong. A few months later he made another account and messaged me. I didn't respond, but didn't block him just so I'd have pictures and way for the cops to pull him up in case I decide to press charges. 

I feel like I need to share my story to let people know they're not alone. It's not your fault. It doesn't matter if you're laying naked in front of someone, they have no right to you or your body without your consent. Don't be afraid to speak up or fight, but don't beat yourself up if you didn't. We do things we can't explain when scared, in schock, or have fight or flight response. When I told them I didn't say yes or no, they said, "well it shouldn't be hard for him to tell you're not enjoying it." Communication is very important, but also pay attention to silent signs and body language. You can usually tell when someone is uncomfortble or scared. 

If you've taken the time to read this, thank you. You're not alone. Be safe, cautious, and respectful. I'm here for you.