I wouldn't say I dont ever feel normal because that's not true. I actually feel like my normal self a lot of the time, as long as I am alone or with my family and am busy. But it's that maybe 30% of the time that I am not okay is what is fucking me up. So as i have stated in earlier posts I was sexually assaulted almost two years ago by my boyfriend, although, he was a bad guy all around, like he had a reputation, and everyone was telling me to stay away from him, but I didn't listen because I guess I believed I didn't deserve to be treated with respect. So in a way you could say I deserved it for not listening. Then I ignored that it happened and didn't admit to it and get help until about 10 months ago. I wroked hard by myself and with my therapist to realize I do deserve to be treated right, and then get over the fact that it happened and I didn't fight him, I just let it happen. After some work I found a new guy, and I was confident I could date him, it went well, it ended after a month because it was more a summer thing, but it was a good healthy relationship. This then brought up my trust in guys, so when the next guy came around I was able to trust him more, and had the respect for myself to make sure he was a good guy before dating him. I introduced him to my parents, siblings, cousins and friends, they all saw what I saw, a guy near perfection, who seemed overly sweet, had good grades and was involved in the community. There were no warning signs. I thought the relationship was perfect, until I found out he cheated on me, twice. The first time was with a girl at the begining of the relationship, who went to his school but it was just the one time and the second was with a girl who I guess he was talking to before we even got together. He ended it with her when we got together then after a month he started talking to her and exchanging nudes on and off for about a month and a half. He ended it with her 3 weeks before I found out. When I found out he was in Switzerland and didn't have wifi for 5 days, so I couldn't talk to him till he got it, on my birthday. So during those 5 days I had time to think, and the filter I put over him came off and I saw how things weren't always that great, then I remebered a time I always felt uneasy about. We hadn't seen eachother for 2 weeks due to busy schedules an other things, so when we saw eachother we had sex like we had done before, it was consentual anf okay. But after my vagina started hurting a lot, i still don't really know why, but it was burning, throbbing and I wanted to scream everytime I moved. So I told him I didn't want to go again because I was in too much pain. He rubbed my back and comforted me for about 10 minutes then he decided he was done with that and began to beg to have sex again. I repeadtedly told him no and pushed him off when he'd climb on me. H egot frustrated after about 20 minutes and left to go to the bathroom and shower, bringing me with him. The shower was fine but as soon as I went to go take a nap on his bed he went back to insisting we have sex again. But he was more pushy this time. He would pull my pants down and try to go in me but I would keep saying no. He didn't care anymore how i felt, he told me it didn't hurt that bad and I was over reacting. I knew that by this point I was going to win this, so I said yes, half so it's like I took the power away from him that he was forcing me and half because I was tired, scared and honestly was done fighting just wanted it to be over. So it hurt a lot and I didn't say anything when it was over. But I later discoverd even though I said yes, it was a forced yes, therefore it is still rape. I did  confront him on this later, he did apologize, his excuse being he was horny, but like thats not an excuse. 

So the aftermath of all this now. It is big. For one I lost all trust in guys. Between the cheating, and the sexual assault then being raped by a guy who knew how much I am struggling with the sexual assault. I also have this overwhelming feeling that it will happen again. I mean how can I know? How can i prevent it? The first guy it was clear, don't date guys who are obviously dangerous and you'll be okay. But everyone thought he was good, they all didn't see it coming, so if everyone else is blind to it and so was I, how can i prevent it? How can I trust that it won't happen again because he promised he wouldn't ever do it to me so how can I know? I just I don't know. On top of that I am very sensitive to touch now. No new people can touch me or I will go into a panic attack. I also can't be alone with a guy, there has to be a girl in the room with me, or else I get a panic attack. I was also diagnosed with PTSD. Which is one of the hardest things I think I have had to deal with. When I get triggered I want to rip my skin off. I can feel his hands all over me, I hear the no's that dissapeared into the air then and the pain is there and i feel stuck. Funny enough that isn't the worst part, it is directly after. I see the scratches on my from my own nails and I  think about how hopless fighting the attacks are and I feel stuck and lost and just like I will never be okay agin, then I get suicidal. I have tried to kill myself about 3 times since the rape and i started cutting again. Then I think about how my ex is dating his new girl and is all happy and I am a mess and basically live in isolatation because he was horny. That isn't okay. Why I am being punished for his actions? The worst part is I met a new guy just friends right now. But I really like him. I know I need time before anytthing can happen but, what if i can't do it, what if he rapes me, what if he can't handle me post rape. And what if I lose this great guy becuase I am messed up because my ex decided to rape me. Anyway yeah that's me right now, confused and scared.