Rape Support Group
If you or someone you know has been the victim of rape, this is the place to find support and get advice. If you want, discuss your experience, share your feelings, and meet others going through a similar situation.
I want to comment as a person who is specifically licensed in rape trauma counseling, and who also works with psychologists and law enforcement about dynamics of abuser's mindsets. This is not motivated (only) by personal strong feelings, but by extensive academic training into ways to manage and limit the encroachments of a perpetrator's grooming behaviors. I hope it will be acceptable enough to remain published here, and not "raptured."
Frankly, I agree with Mockingbird's reply on a recent thread. Let me be clear that I do not think the outcome of this controversial event on this forum should be that someone comes, tail between legs, and seeks some type of absolution--we call that "crocodile tears." On the contrary, I think mercy ought to be damned hard to come by right now. THIS is the WORST possible place for him to work out his redemption, and the fact that he's seeking something from US--even if it's hate or whatever--seems at best awfully pretentious, and at worst, exploitive. This is NOT a case of "we all make mistakes." Rape is a deliberate act, not a mistake, and it represents a conscious value system that justifies harming women for personal power. Any effort to minimize this as some "regrettable mistake" is going to do unintended long-term damage to this issue.
The years spent in jail do NOTHING to atone for the pain and agony this action has caused, and I am very worried that grace will be too cheaply and easily granted because many of us on DS want to sadly to find "resolution" and "closure." The WORST mistake we could make is to say, "Oh, what a resource! We could learn SO much from you!" BULL; the learning needs to go in the other direction ENTIRELY. I do not think a convicted rapist is capable of producing insight and support that will nurture your recovery, but your confrontation and direct clarify about your own trauma may well inform HIM.
It would be a grievous mistake for anyone here to say, "Wow, I've always wanted to ask the 'why' questions, and now I have that chance!" That would elevate a rapist's status into a keeper of knowledge, a "special" member of this community, a figure of elevated importance. I would be deeply, deeply saddened and discouraged to see anyone flock to his feet to hear his input in some misguided hope that HE has the keys to your progress, if only HE can answer the questions you have.
My own response, which is drawn from my clinical training as a psychotherapist, but also my personal concern and fierce protectiveness for the precious lives on this forum I have come to love, is:
"Seek your absolution and purification elsewhere. If you think your presence is some gift to us that we can benefit from because YOU have had a claimed change-of-heart, then you have another thing coming. Your public change-of-heart does NOTHING to promote healing in the ones you hurt, and we're not willing to grant you some special, entitled status just because you offer yourself as a sacrificial lamb.
"We're not the ones you need to apologize to, and we don't have your victims' permission to grant you any acceptance or atonement. That is theirs alone to give. We would be disrespecting our fellow survivors to bestow any type of penance, whether gracious or fiery, in their behalf.
The fact that your contrition is decorated in "Hate me, I deserve it" posturing is about as phony and useless as it gets; hating you does NOTHING to heal us, and the danger is that you may interpret it as some type of baptism by attrition, that pays your dues through online martyrdom.
"So even if you want our hate, we do not exist to supply YOU what YOU want from US--don't you get that yet? Isn't that the exact same selfish emotional vampirism you have already perpetrated? Just because you "made hate" to someone doesn't mean balance is restored by hating you back now.
"Your suicide threats are manipulative, and they are the best example I can give of why we can NOT turn you into our new distraction or project. I hope you choose otherwise, but your life is yours to save, not our responsibility. We're saving our own, thank you very much. The fact that you would invoke a suicide threat smacks of disingenuousness, and makes YOUR needs more important than ours, which is selfish. None of us here deserves to be weighed down by concern for this type of passive-aggressive manipulation, in which the threat of suicide mobilizes us around what YOU need to survive.
"Regardless of whatever weird kind of penance you want from our responses, what you will actually GET here is our disinterest and unimpressed indifference. Bye, now."
Posted on 03/14/08, 04:03 pm
Frankly, I agree with Mockingbird's reply on a recent thread. Let me be clear that I do not think the outcome of this controversial event on this forum should be that someone comes, tail between legs, and seeks some type of absolution--we call that "crocodile tears." On the contrary, I think mercy ought to be damned hard to come by right now. THIS is the WORST possible place for him to work out his redemption, and the fact that he's seeking something from US--even if it's hate or whatever--seems at best awfully pretentious, and at worst, exploitive. This is NOT a case of "we all make mistakes." Rape is a deliberate act, not a mistake, and it represents a conscious value system that justifies harming women for personal power. Any effort to minimize this as some "regrettable mistake" is going to do unintended long-term damage to this issue.
The years spent in jail do NOTHING to atone for the pain and agony this action has caused, and I am very worried that grace will be too cheaply and easily granted because many of us on DS want to sadly to find "resolution" and "closure." The WORST mistake we could make is to say, "Oh, what a resource! We could learn SO much from you!" BULL; the learning needs to go in the other direction ENTIRELY. I do not think a convicted rapist is capable of producing insight and support that will nurture your recovery, but your confrontation and direct clarify about your own trauma may well inform HIM.
It would be a grievous mistake for anyone here to say, "Wow, I've always wanted to ask the 'why' questions, and now I have that chance!" That would elevate a rapist's status into a keeper of knowledge, a "special" member of this community, a figure of elevated importance. I would be deeply, deeply saddened and discouraged to see anyone flock to his feet to hear his input in some misguided hope that HE has the keys to your progress, if only HE can answer the questions you have.
My own response, which is drawn from my clinical training as a psychotherapist, but also my personal concern and fierce protectiveness for the precious lives on this forum I have come to love, is:
"Seek your absolution and purification elsewhere. If you think your presence is some gift to us that we can benefit from because YOU have had a claimed change-of-heart, then you have another thing coming. Your public change-of-heart does NOTHING to promote healing in the ones you hurt, and we're not willing to grant you some special, entitled status just because you offer yourself as a sacrificial lamb.
"We're not the ones you need to apologize to, and we don't have your victims' permission to grant you any acceptance or atonement. That is theirs alone to give. We would be disrespecting our fellow survivors to bestow any type of penance, whether gracious or fiery, in their behalf.
The fact that your contrition is decorated in "Hate me, I deserve it" posturing is about as phony and useless as it gets; hating you does NOTHING to heal us, and the danger is that you may interpret it as some type of baptism by attrition, that pays your dues through online martyrdom.
"So even if you want our hate, we do not exist to supply YOU what YOU want from US--don't you get that yet? Isn't that the exact same selfish emotional vampirism you have already perpetrated? Just because you "made hate" to someone doesn't mean balance is restored by hating you back now.
"Your suicide threats are manipulative, and they are the best example I can give of why we can NOT turn you into our new distraction or project. I hope you choose otherwise, but your life is yours to save, not our responsibility. We're saving our own, thank you very much. The fact that you would invoke a suicide threat smacks of disingenuousness, and makes YOUR needs more important than ours, which is selfish. None of us here deserves to be weighed down by concern for this type of passive-aggressive manipulation, in which the threat of suicide mobilizes us around what YOU need to survive.
"Regardless of whatever weird kind of penance you want from our responses, what you will actually GET here is our disinterest and unimpressed indifference. Bye, now."
Posted on 03/14/08, 04:03 pm
In fact, I have quite extensive experience in treating male survivors too, but those aren't the people who are here on this DS community. If they were, I would certainly address them. My eyes are indeed open--and what I see here with those eyes, among THIS group of friends, are women. Men are strangely absent, but that's not not my fault or my bias. It's just true.
Now that he's gone, we can concentrate on the things that we *can* take control of for ourselves!