Of course I don't mind if you message me.

The times Steve messes up are usually when he is blaming himself, but it kinda comes out sounding like he is blaming me.

"Why were you down there? I can't protect you if you are down there? What if it happens again?"

These are the same thoughts in my head, which is why I often cling to him, panic when he leaves the house, and take WAY too many precautions to protect myself. I mean I carry a personal alarm, a knife, and mace, on top of my cell phone!

Steve is the same way though. If i don't text him at least once an hour he freaks. He calls my cell and if I dont hear it because I am in class, he keeps calling AS HE WALKS TO MY SCHOOL TO CHECK ON ME.

I really think he needs counseling to for secondary victimization, but he says he doesn't need help.

I kept most of my life hidden from family and friends, but the times that I did tell, well not many were supportive. My family knew about the molestation when I was in a foster home at 2, because a neighbor kid told the police and the removed me from the home.

I didnt tell anyone about the molestation/rape by my stepbrother (from 3-8yrs old) until after I moved out of the house. My family didnt believe me.

I never told anyone about the random gang rapes from my bffs older sisters friends (10-13yrs) until I was in my 20s. My exhusband is one of the few people who knows the details about that time in my life.

When I was raped by my boyfriend at 15 I lied to my bff, after rumors started, and told her I slept with him. Six months later I admitted I was raped. She called me a liar to me face and never spoke to me after that. I started dating a seemingly nice guy, told him, and he was very supportive. He had me tell a teacher, and the word spread like wild fire. After I told the police, I told my mom when I got home. She was so angry. Not that it happened, but that I told! She said something along the lines of How could you do this to our family!? He was very popular and everyone loved him. Once word got out, I lost every friend Id ever had. Everyone hated me! I dropped out of school to home school myself.

I slipped into a deep depression, started cutting, and so on. It drive my boyfriend crazy and he turn abusive. He beat me almost daily. A year and a half later I left him for a man I later married.

My exhusband was very supportive at first, but I later realized he took advantage of my insecurities and talked me into letting his friends and brother sleep with me.

During this time, I was molested by one co-worker, left that job, and was raped by another co-worker at a different job. I eventually just started letting any guy who made advances at me, have their way. I didnt fight them. I just laid there and cried while they did whatever they wanted. I ended up being with another man while I was married, and he got me pregnant. It ended my marriage. My daughters father got me pregnant, beat the hell out of me, and kicked me out.

I had a very supportive year long relationship after him, and thought we split, we are still good friends. Around my daughters first birthday I started dating my fiance. He is supportive, though lately I havent been feeling like I can talk to him. He knows I have been raped, but doesnt know how many time, or the details. We have been together a year, and for some reason I cant seem to MAKE myself tell him. I used to talk about it all so easy. Im even writing a very graphically detailed book about it all. Why is it different with this guy?

Anyway, for the most part, the guys Ive recently dated were supportive. A few family and friends are supportive about the little they know, most just dont want to hear about it. I think its hard for them to believe, or understand. If they havent been in that situation, it seems harder for them to be supportive.

Anyway, just thought I would share.

And welcome to my world.
Try being male who was sexually assaulted by a social worker at 17.
Not much outside support for affects of trauma and PTSD with 3 strikes against you; 1)male 2)raped 3)by a damned professional provider of mental health support services.

Learn from this, it's survival of the fittest and society feeds off the weakest members.
Survival or coping with life must come from within. Always question motives of individuals offering sympathy and support, and........... take advantage of second amendment rights.
Tom S. in Tn.

Wow, Mommy2kalila, that is totally messed up. It's so sad to think about the way abuse, especially in childhood, just paves the way for future abuses because the victim, in a way, has come to "expect" that type of treatment. But you seem to be a very strong person & sound like you have come a long way. I think the reason why you can't seem to tell your current man the details is perhaps because you truly care about him, and about what he would think. You love him, therefore, what he thinks of you matters. Maybe the alienation you've experienced in the past after telling your story has made you wary to share it again with someone who really matters to you. Maybe you're afraid to experience the same disappointment of having another important person in your life turn his back on you instead of supporting you after you tell your story. (That was certainly the case with me). In my opinion, it's fine not to tell him. As long as you're getting healing & support from either therapy, friends, or journaling, you don't have to feel pressured into telling him the details.

Tom, believe it or not, I understand your predicament. My rapist was a social worker too. That's one of the reasons I never reported it. I was sure he'd have connections in the courts, pd, etc., and that I would be made out to be the "whore" who threw herself at him (as most women are generally made out to be), even though I had been a virgin. It totally sucks that someone's profession can sometimes be a 'get out of jail free' card. While I sympathise with your situation, I'm not sure the 2nd ammendment is the answer. I feel better when I carry pepper spray around. Sometimes, depending on where I am (underground parking lots, etc) I even hold it in my hand ready to go with my finger on the button, just in case. I can't imagine the outcome would be good if my finger were on a gun trigger instead of a pepper spray button. But I do understand your point: Be on the defensive and be ready to protect yourself.

I hate to feel sorry including for someone else, but this is an exception.
:(
wish I could give you a big hug;
Tom S.

Awww, ok, Tom :) But just curious, which part made you feel sorry?

Why do you ask?
Tom

I could be wrong, but your response seemed sympathetic. I was just wondering what part of my response brought it on. If you were even referring to me or another respondent. Just curious. No other reason.

Porphyria;
I'll clarify by saying I can sympathize with what you recently wrote. I have not had time to review all the other pages of commentary from you and everyone else very closely, but your recent reply makes me feel like you and I on a close level despite any differences we have, and I can truly feel sad emotions despite not wanting to.

Best regards; Tom S. in Tn.

Porphyria;
I'm tangential in this post and must appologize, but sometimes I really feel oppression and hatred toward me. It only causes me to want to hate worse.
I re-read your reply to me yet again, and it was not offensive.

I still say a handgun class or 2 on the firing range might be worth the investment for you. But, perhaps you know how to take care of yourself better than I could.
Sorry for saying it, but I still wish I could give you a big hug.
Tom S. in Tn.

Tom, when you say you feel oppression and hatred toward you, do you mean from me or in general? I hope not me. If I ever said anything to make you feel that way, then I truly apologize. I certainly don't hate you (or anyone else on this board), and I would never wish to oppress anyone, especially another survivor.

You probably feel we are on a close level because we both share the same experience of having been raped by a social worker and probably both feel there's not a damn thing we can do about it.

You don't have to apologize for wanting to give me a hug. Hugs are a good thing. :)