In my case, the mental fog started to clear about a month or so after I was raped out of my virginity. The confusion was waning and I was beginning to see that what he did was wrong and that it was not a "misunderstanding." He had intentionally hurt me. I felt the need for emotional support, and I turned to a family member for comfort/ support. What a mistake that was! He interrogated me worse than any cross-examiner could. He said it was all my fault because "boys will be boys," that the guy did nothing wrong and that I should have known better. It was like being raped all over again. The fog that had been lifting came back down and I was plagued with self-doubt. My healing took a giant leap backward and I resolved to never speak of it again to anyone. After all, if my own family took sides with a stranger, a criminal, who in the world would possible be on my side?

Fastforward 3 months later. I started dating my now husband. Things were wonderful. HE was wonderful. He was loving, doting, almost worshipful in his admiration for me. (And that's exactly what I needed after having been so mistreated previously). And he was a wonderful, awesome man who I could truly see myself spending the rest of my life with. ...Until he started asking questions about my past, as most men do. It was far too early in our relationship for him to ask such personal questions (4th date). He wanted to know how far I'd gone. I didn't know how to respond. In my heart I still felt like a virgin, but I knew I couldn't tell him that because it would sound to him like I was playing games or something. He asked if I'd gone all the way and I said, "Not willingly." He was shocked, but supportive that first night. He said he was sorry and he hugged me, and I felt hope that he really would be an understanding partner. But...after a couple more dates he started his own interrogation: How? When? Why? Who was he? Was it on a date? Why was I with him? Why did I...? How could I...? And over the course of the next few months, things progressed from interrogation, to criticism (You shouldnt have), to judgment ("What you did was wrong.), to insults ("I would have more respect for you if you were a virgin..."). Things came to a boiling point 2 months before our wedding when I finally stopped being so nice and talking to him as though he were a rational human being. I saw that the more I tried to defend myself nicely with logic, the more angry he got. So I finally exploded, called him a retard & told him to go F himself. If I had known then that that's all it would take to get him off my back, I wouldve told him to F off months ago & saved myself a lot of heartache & re-traumatization.. Finally he shut up about it (which was all I ever wanted, and we were able to do the rest of our wedding planning in peace. All the negativity was magically gone, and all the love remained.

But after that I was left with a feeling of hopelessness. After having survived the trauma of rape, what I really needed was an understanding soul who would be my best friend, who I could share everything with. And I went through a deep depression when I realized that my husband could never be that person.

So for me, that whole experience of that lack of understanding, that judging, that criticizing was very traumatizing, in some ways worse than the actual physical rape itself, and it not only left me feeling alienated and alone, but also deeply depressed in the knowledge that I would never have a soul mate, that no one would ever understand me and support me. I lost faith in humanity altogether, and thats why I never reported it. The people who were supposed to love me the most were turning against me, basically calling me a whore because of what someone else did to me. There was no way in hell I thought that a stranger, a detective would treat me any better.

For 13 years I was left with the feeling that as much as my husband loves me, he is still disappointed in me somehow, that he thinks less of me somehow. And that belief has caused me to remain in a state of depression in our otherwise happy marriage. For 13 years I went through the motions of going to work, having a child, having a life, etc. But I never felt fully happy because I never felt fully appreciated and fully supported. I was triggered about a year ago by something and I finally started confronting not only the rape but also the ill treatment I received from my husband in the aftermath. I started confronting him and reminding him of all the harsh things hes said in the past. He didnt want to own up to it at first, claiming he didnt remember saying such things. That only caused more problems. But I have a good memory & when I started quoting some of our conversations word for word, there was no room left for denial. He admitted. He apologized. He even said, I dont know what the hell I was thinking. Thats all been very helpful, but I still find myself struggling at times with my anger. If people would be more educated about rape and what it does to a person, they would be a lot more sensitive in their treatment of victims. No one should have to be re-traumatized. No one should have to feel raped all over again when they find the courage to finally tell their story. No one should have to suffer because of someone elses misunderstanding. High schools used to offer work shop & home ec as practical skills that would help the student sin their everyday future life. I really think they should offer rape education and sensitivity training as well.

Has anyone else gone through this?

You've been through a lot, Porphyria. I'm glad you found the strength to stand up for yourself. You're a strong woman. You know what you need which is half the battle. Kudos to you **hugs**

I've never been married... may never be... and in part its because of the incident and subsequent reactions. I didn't tell anyone at first. I didn't even talk for 2 days. My attacker (my then boyfriend) didn't even notice. I still made excuses for him... he merely "lost control". I knew better.

When I finally did tell someone (my mother) years later I ended up supporting her while she related the details of her own rape. I got no support at all. I journaled about it on a computer... but my stepfather got ahold of it...and started telling people. Let me tell you... EMBARRASSING! To this day I've never really gotten any face to face support. Thankfully I have some friends I talk to and have gotten close to online and over the phone that have helped me understand what he did and my reactions. Now if only I could get instant replay out of my head so I could move forward...

I'm actually kind of nervous to know what will happen if any significant other comes into my life and finds out... or if I should even ever give him the chance to turn my testimony into an interrogation.

This is a really good post idea Porphyria, and I'm glad you're deciding to confront these issues now. It's horrible when the poeple you love the most are the ones who put barriers up, cause it really does get to you, and get to your head. I get the feelings of helplessness a lot, and it's not a good one. Sometimes it's really hard to stand up for yourself. For me it's been my mother who, by her own admission, 'just doesnt get it'. But she's trying to. As recently as last night I've had:

"The police won't beleive what he did to you was rape....You'd consented to other sexual acts before, you were in bed with him, he was your partner." ( to which I was like: youmake it sound like we were getting it on and it just accidentallly happened. Not like I'd told him I didn't want to and he went ahead anyway for reasons of power and control).

"If every woman who'd ever had tohave sex when she didnt want to went to the police the courts would be full of rape, nothing would ever get done,it's a part of most women's lives let it go".

"I don't understand why you stayed with him. I thought you were a strong person". To which I replied, maybe that's why I stayed with him- because I thought I could deal with it by loving him and being selfless and strong. And to which I also replied doesnt the fact that I want to fight and that I know it was rape and expect better for myself show that I'm still strong.

"I don't understand how someone can manipulate you to such an extent. If someones mean to you, you leave them".

"I don't get how you could act like nothing had happened, you seemed so heartbroken over (previous bouyfriend name) yet when I saw you after this happened (I didnt tell her then) you seemed fine. I don't get this denial PTSD it sounds like just stuff youre quoting from a book or a counsellor. To me if youre upset youre upset".

"I think you need to just move on and forget about this, Just count it as a bad experience and move on. forget about punshing him".

"But if you went t court and he got five years in prison, wouldnt you feel bad?" I nearly exploded on that one, I was like, I'VE GOT LIFE.

"well, yes of course I'm annoyed and fraustrated that this has happened" annoyed and fraustrated???

*when I have a bad day* "well you're clearly not getting over this... I thought you were trying to heal and fight this... cleary Im not giving you the support we;re just going to have to tell your father and get him to sort this. All this counselling is just making things worse it's dragging things up."

*when I cry* "youre being the opposite end of strong now".

But she's trying to get past it- a lot of it is the issues and rape myths that have been bred into her. She grew up in a culture where marital rape was legal, for the first 2years of my life it was still. And it is hard to explain to anyone why you stayed and emotional abuse, but to me as my mother she shouldnt be asking those questions, she should justbe giving me love and support. It shouldnt be a battle to get her to support me in and of itself?

On the plus side, my best friend (lets call her H) has been fantastic. She was there for me throughout, never pushed me, has picked me up and thousand times, and has brought me round when I go off the wall. She's the person who when youre sad comes round, hugs you while you cry and just says: " i know. its horrible. im so sorry". She just says the simple words and gives the love and because shes been through everything with me, she can remind me of how far I've come, how proud she is. The only stuck point between us is that she blames herself for not realising he was dangerous, and for letting me get back with him (she was scared that if she really stuck her feet in and told me more firmly not to at the time that it would push me further away for her, and she knew I wqould need her when reality set it). I don't blame her though, at all, not even a little, it's my responsibility- she oculdnt have saved me, it wasnt be job to, and she's healed me enough by being there. I tell her this countless times, but I wish there was someway more to show her? Suggestions?

Thanks for sharing, MissGracie. I'm sorry that you never got the support you needed from your own mom, especially considering she went through the same thing herself. She of all people should realize how much support you needed then. And what's up with your stepdad violating your privacy by reading your journals, AND THEN SHARING THE CONTENTS WITH OTHERS??? WTF?? That was not his to share. You must have felt violated all over again. I'm glad that you have some on-line & phone friends who are being supportive. The on-line thing (DS) really helped me a great deal in the beginning as well. I hope that you will some day find a meaningful partner (if that's your wish). The best advice I could give you there is to tell you no, don't ever give anyone a chance to "turn your testimony into an interrogation." Men seem to be genetically predisposed for doing this, as if it's their birthright to know & judge every detail in your past. That is not to say you shouldn't tell him anything. You should. A healthy relationship is one in which both partners have mutual respect for each others histories and experiences, and especially their free will whether it be past present or future free will. I just meant that if you ever get a whiff that he is being judgemental in the least, you need to nip that in the bud before it escalates into something ugly (and it will) like it did with me & my husband. If you ever feel criticized you have to say right away that he has a choice: He can either continue to see you & drop the subject & keep his opinions to himself. Or he can keep up his interrogation & judgments and have you drop him for good. And stick to your guns about it. There's nothing worse than the assinine opinions of people who have been ignorant & misinformed all their lives & then try to convince YOU that YOU'RE the one who's got it all wrong. --As if they've ever been through this themselves!

Naj, thank you too. I appreciate you sharing the comments that you are struggling with now. It's just awful when our own family can't be there for us in our hour of need. It's like, why have a family then? Your mom has some really misguided notions of strength and character. You know, I think that's what has angered me most about my own situation all along, and one of the main reasons I never reported it in the first place. I hate the fact that people think you are somehow weak because you've been raped (or, in their minds, that you were weak enough to "allow yourself to get raped"). Or they think the fact that it took you a while to get your bearings & leave an abusive relationship means that you are weak too. They don't look at the amount of strength it takes to actually 1- survive a traumatic experience such as rape, and 2- find the strength to leave the bastard because you have the self-worth to know you deserve better. It's like, why do they fail to see all the good and all the strength in you and choose to twist your strengths into weaknesses to satisfy the sick way of thinking that's been bred into them by society and generations past. No one wants to look at you as an individual. They insist on holding you up to the chin of society to see if "your color flatters society's features." That just plain sucks, to put it mildly. Oh, and I'm sure your friend knows how much you appreciate all her support. I'm sure she knows that you don't blame her. It's like she said, if she had tried to talk you out of seeing him at the time, it most likely would have driven you away, and who would you have to turn to now if she weren't there. I'm sure she knows you appreciate her & don't blame her at all. I think she's just blaming herself, and that's normal for someone in her situation, you know, a best friend who really cares. Perhaps you can suggest to her that she go to therapy too to help clarify things for herself in her own mind. I don't know about the UK, but here in the states the rape crisis centers offer free therapy to not only the victims, but secondary victims as well, such as spouses, family, best friend, (especially if the best friend is experiencing feelings of guilt related to your assault). You might suggest that.

Honestly, the only thing I feel like I can add to this post is something that is completely different from other people. I mean... it's not someone blaming me and it's actually people trying to be understanding/sharing.

My boyfriend knew for a while what happened to me but once when I was upset he ended up saying that he was molested as a child. This wasn't that big of a deal to me but I'm writing it because not a week later, my father found out (my mom looked through my things and found out and then told my father without my permission which didn't help either.) When he found out, he wrote me an email and ended up telling me that he never told anyone until he found out about my rape but when he was a teenager he was raped by a family friend. Even now writing this makes me negatively. It was a lot of pressure and on top of that - finding out someone you love a lot was raped when you were raped not that long ago is I guess too close to home. It also added a lot of pressure to me because I felt like he wanted me to be there for him or for us to be there for each other and I really needed no responsibilities especially if it's dealing with someone else's rape when I haven't dealt with my own.

Obviously, though I mentioned it in passing, my mom looking through my things and finding out herself really messed me up. It didn't relate to the rape completely directly but I didn't trust her and I didn't trust my dad after that. When I went to get my wisdom teeth out, I didn't even want to give my mom my hoodie to hold because I didn't trust her with it and I was afraid of being too drugged up around her and thus too dependent on her because well I'm not sure but even now I don't trust my mother with things that are mine or to not go through my things either.

I forgot to write that on top of hearing that my dad was raped, knowing that the majority of people that I told about my rape either where molested themselves or someone close to them was - was also hard. Since it's just so sad that it's that prevalent.

Also, I know that this thread isn't exactly for these kinds of things and how people reacted to me was much better that it could have been but I think if we're writing to vent and writing to help secondary survivors that what I wrote is applicable to both of those things. I'm hoping - I don't want to jump into a thread with things that don't belong. But I saw the title of the thread basically after I posted too.

Blankpaper, it made you feel like you didn't have a right to your own pain.

You're right. It also made me... well it triggered me for sure. I'm too empathetic to hear something like that and it was during a stressful time too. I guess I mainly wrote it because it's nice for someone to open up like that to you but at the same time it would have been better if he had been there for me first and then told me later. Instead he only told me to not take my anger out on the family and that he did the same thing after he was raped. (and dropped a bomb shell on me)

For me, the lack of support has been from my family and from some of my friends. get ready for a novel here.... hah

When I started talking about the past, that's when friends started to leave... it was like they were saying behind my back "she's been raped, we better not talk to her" like what I'd been through was so unbelievable. Some "friends" thought I was just trying to seek attention or was trying to make up for experimenting consensually in my teens at like 16 and 17 (which to this day I never regret anything I've done consensually, no matter how young or with who, I don't regret it.)

I thought friends were bad. At 17 I decided to tell my mom what had happened to me at 13 and 16. she said "it didn't happen, you must be lying. If you had really been raped you would have told us right away and we would have known." I was raped later that year, and knew I couldn't tell her anything. As soon as I turned 18, I left my parents house because from ages 13 to 17 my mom was hitting me, my parents kept taking me to psychiatrists to try to "fix me" with medications when really if someone had just listened to me and let me talk about everything I had survived, I wouldn't have needed any of those drugs and their side effects.

Then in 2008, I was raped twice (I was 20 then) and eventually I called my mom and I told her what had happened that year. I told her that I went to the police and this seemed to validate for her that what had happened was real, even though the police didn't do anything. She confessed that she just didn't know how to handle my past, and I told her how it really hurt me but I wanted her to try to change that.

Then last, year my ex raped me and the first thing my mom said? "Maybe it was a mistake." Yep, a 26 year old man just "doesn't know better" and "couldn't help himself." He was also physical abusive in other ways and my mom said "if this was true you would have moved back home ASAP" which is funny because when I called her the day after it happened, she didn't offer me a place to stay at their house. I didn't know I had somewhere to go. I've fought with her too about how its not a "mistake" and she responded incorrectly back then, and I do think my mother feels very bad about it. Still, every now and again she makes a joke about my ex and I just don't want to hear it... or she'll say "in the beginning he was so good for you!" I have a feeling soon I am going to have to talk to her again about this, arghhh

When I tried to move out and break up with my ex, she also tried to get me to stay with him, and made it seem like it was all about the money. She begged me to "make peace" with him so I could save money on rent. Of course, the ex used to say "I can't live with someone who hates me!" to try to get out of paying to break the lease, which he agreed to do when we signed it if we broke up. I felt it was unfair I had to live with someone who raped me. You know, i don't even remember how I found the strength to basically say "EFF ALL OF YOU" and leave and go against everyone's wishes. That time of my life is very blurry but I'm glad I managed to get out and now my ex doesn't know where I live.

I do feel bad for my mom. she must feel like she failed to protect me as a parent and I guess she is mad at herself for questioning me the way she did. It's hard though because for so long, since about 14, especially when my mom started hitting me and sending me to doctors, I was pulled from high school, etc, I feel like I never had the chance to be the teenager. I didn't have the chance to be innocent. I just wish she would work on it though, and not take it out on me anymore...

I'm 22 now, going to be moving back home temporarily and she has this idea that its going to like "redo" my teen life and she promises living at home won't be so bad. I don't know. My mom, just by herself, is sometimes a trigger just because of the way she blamed me. It's kind of strange since she came from an abusive household herself - her dad used to beat her mom and her brother used to beat her. She comes from an era though where you don't talk about these things like you can now. Like I realize as survivors when we put ourselves out there, we risk ridicule and questions but years ago - you REALLY could not talk about these things. When my mom asked me why I never told her at 13, I told her she was the one who taught me how to be the best secret keeper, and its true.

Also, my best friend doesn't believe that what my ex did last year was "really rape." this really hurts, and I've had lots of fights with my best friend about it too, but I try not to focus on that anymore because he was there for me in the hospital when I was raped in 2008 and he even told off one of my rapists.

of course there are the police... need I say more? they can be extremely traumatizing.

I just feel lucky now that I have an amazing boyfriend who is very sensitive about asking questions and he will listen and cry with me. It is amazing that he has been with me for the past almost year... we've been through so much with my healing, not just from rape but from fibromyalgia. Sometimes he doesn't always respond perfectly, and sometimes I do take my anger out on him, which I always apologize for since he has done NOTHING wrong. Still, I am paranoid. What if I move in with him like I did my ex and he turns out to be an abusive rapist too? I found a great counselor at the YWCA and I have a REALLY good feeling she will be able to help me with these fears. I felt a connection with her, which I've never felt with a counselor, EVER.

In the long run, I am just very cautious about who I open up to and I do not tell anyone everything. I do tend to get periodically angry at my mom for "no reason" and by that I mean she calls and I just am thinking about the past and can't talk to her. I think she can tell when I am feeling this way too.

Porphyria, thanks for sharing your story. I really appreciate your contributions to this support group, just as a side note. I have to agree with you, I think being re traumatized is almost as bad as the actual rape and then being alienated is just terrible... There is nothing else like this that has happened to me where people just stop talking to me because I opened up. Here is a crime most people consider to be up there with murder, and yet it seems like society's response is to question us to death and make us feel guilty and ashamed.

I've lost a lot of faith in humanity too, especially when I read a lot of these survivor stories. Its not just once isolated case where someone was victim blamed- it happens nearly EVERY time with someone! It's so sad! why is society doing this to us?

sorry if this was too long... i tend to ramble because of the fibro fog.

Blankpaper, while your situation may be different than the original intention of this post, I think it still applies. For one thing, like Atarglu said, it made you feel you're not entitled to your own pain. But also, they don't realize that they are actually further burdening you instead of offering support & understanding. As a rape victim you are already under a tremendous amount of stress in trying to cope with your pain. When a loved one "drops a bombshell on you" by stating that they've been through that too, they probably think they are being understanding, but what's really going on is that they are shifting the focus from YOUR pain in the here & now to THEIR pain from long ago. And you feel pressured to put them first. It's not like talking to someone anonymous on DS where you can offer whatever advice that comes from your heart & experience & leave it at that. This is family or close friend and you feel somehow responsible to help them through when you need help yourself. So yeah, it minimizes your pain somehow & makes you feel less worthy of receiving support. It may not be as bad as hearing that it's all your fault or that you're a whore for allowing it to happen, but it sucks just the same. :/

Melancholycat, thanks for contributing. I really appreciate you sharing your story. No, you were not rambling. It was all very "on track." One of the interesting things I noticed in your account is the whole cycle of abuse thing. Your mother came from an abusive home, so she turns around & abuses you. It's no wonder you never told her after you were raped the first time. You saw her as an abuser too, and not as a friend or someone you could turn to. Rather, she was someone you had to turn away FROM in order to avoid further abuse. I've noticed that people who have grown up in abusive homes follow one of 2 paths: 1- Either they grow up to be abusers too, or 2- They continue that pattern of social behavior that's been instilled in them from childhood by finding mates who are just as abusive as their parents. It doesn't occur to them (not at first anyway) that they can stand up for themselves and fight back or just walk away, because that's something that would never have been tolerated at home. I'm glad that your mother is starting to see the error of her ways now. You can build on that. But I don't envy you that you'll be moving back in with her. You seem to be a much stronger person now, and I'm really glad you found the strength to tell everyone to eff off when you did. And ya, she's definitely a trigger for you just by being there because of all that she has said & done in the past. I really feel for you when you say, "I feel like I never had the chance to be a teenager." I feel that way too, but not for the same reasons as you exactly. The kind of abuse I suffered at the hands of my mother was not physical, but an over-bearing, over-controlling type of abuse in which I was never allowed to go anywhere or do anything that normal kids my age did every day. For example, going to the mall with friends & having pizza with them was a special treat I enjoyed on my Sweet 16. At no other time was I ever allowed to socialize with friends after school hours or on weekends. I feel like I missed out on a lot of normal teenage things because of my mother's illness of being a control freak. Every rite of passage was denied to me. And ya, that's something that can't be "made up for" later. So it's no wonder that I eventually found myself in a situation in which yet another person somehow managed to wrestle power & control away from me.

It's deeply disappointing when your own friends start treating you like a leper or something when you tell them you've been raped. Being shunned must make you feel dirty or unacceptable somehow--at first anyway, until your anger kicks in. It's very painful. But what's worse than being shunned is not being believed. Sometimes they think you're making things up to get attention. Or sometimes they think you've just had an otherwise consensual sexual experience that you later regretted & are making up a rape story to feel better about yourself. To be honest, that was the main reason I never really told anyone what happened at first, and why I never reported it. I realized, even then, that this view was a possibility, that I would be seen as a foolish or promiscuous girl (even though I had been a virgin) who had sex, then regretted it & is now making accusations to make herself feel better. Atrocious! It's atrocious for anyone to do that, fIrst of all, BUT even more atrocious for another to THINK that that's the case when they have absolutely NO REASON TO BELIVE THAT TO BE SO! It's one thing for a stranger who doesn't know you to think of that as a possibility, but I think your friends owe you better than that. I would suggest you distance yourself from anyone who doubts you or shuns you in any way. Those are not friends. They're just toxic.

On a side note, I really like what you said about how even to this day you don't regret anything that you've done consensually, "no matter how young or with who, I don't regret it." I couldn't agree more. Why should you regret anything you've done consensually? Because society disapproves? F them! I myself held back for a long time & never had any kind of sex until I was 23 when I had consensual oral sex. And even though I knew even then that I wasn't doing this for reasons of love or a meaningful relationship exactly, I still don't regret doing the things I did willingly then. And I shouldn't have to. This is one of the problems that I had with my husband back then. He kept trying to convince me that what I'd done was horribly wrong. All this moral judgment. He was basically calling me a whore without using the word. It's funny how he's older than I am, but I was the mature one when I calmly tried to point out to him that people, especially adults, have every right to do what they want with their bodies, when they want, and with whomever they want, as long as they are consenting adults. He had the illogical fear that this meant I was going to cheat on him the first chance I got. I calmly pointed out to him that I've never had any history of ever cheating on anyone. Why would I do those things with someone else when I already have a boyfriend/husband to do them with? I think what I find the most infuriating is when people use your own sexual past, that is, the things you've done consensually (whether it be intercourse or or oral sex, or even just light petting, or whatever) and use that as a justification that some bastard raped you later. It's like they're saying, "Well, you wanted to have sex before, so why should I believe you didn't want sex with him THAT time." I like to tell these people, "Well, if you loan me your car today, does that give me the right to take it any time I like without even asking for your permission, just because you let me borrow it once?" I mean seriously, people seem to value their material possessions more than another human's body & will sometimes. How sick is that?

But I'm so glad that you have a supportive boyfriend now. You deserve all the love and support he has to offer. There's nothing worse than your own bf calling you a whore for the things that you've done consensually in the past, and/or for getting raped. I'm glad your guy seems to be above that. He sounds like a keeper! :)

greetin,
i had ask the question am i worth support whe my spouse dont support me after i was rape. i am in my 40's. i have lupus and fibromyalgia.i have had a lot of bad things happen to me in my life. but i try to be of the half full mindset,not the half empty.
i lived on a quiet block.i and other neighbors felt comfortable and would come out at different times at nite..no problem i thought. i dont sleep well or my symptoms r there 4a battle,so i watched dvds,movies,setup the tiki lights,etc on the carport.
this particular nite, my body needed and allow me to take a nap. i got up cuz the trash needy to be taken out.. i was taking the trash out. why? i'm half empty... my spouse found me outside ,coward-down.she said i scream when she touched me,but i cudnt talk,i remember bein so scared. i remember she and a neighbor talkin2me. he was chanting something in my ear and rubbing something with this funny smell on my face. they were asking what happen?is anyone in the house or came into the house?i remembered what was said to me"u better keep ur f--- a-- back there,if u com out front and i see your face i'm going to blow your f-- head off n thats the last thing your see and the other person said yea",so i stay in the back. i remember starting to tell her what happen. they ask do i want them to call the police. i said no,i wanted it to all go away. it must have been in pieces cuz later she said she couldnt understand everything and eventually got mad cuz she said i didnt run to her or tell her what happen exactly.and that i didnt want her to call the police.
i did say yes and the police was call. they werenot gentle.they came in the house as if i ws the wrong one.i ws so embarress.i had my lil dress i wear around the house.im on the stretcher being taken to the hospital..one of the cop(he knock ova my jesus statue and broke it) came outside with the ems,he followed.
when i got to the hospital the nurse were gentle. i thought i'm safe, protected. i spoke with soe wonderful counselors while waiting on the forensic nurse. but in came 2detectives. they were not warm or comfortying. one stood hoovering over me.
i call back to my house for my spouse to bring my meds up cuz my body was in a true flareup. she said it would be later. what i didnt know is the males detectives were asking her questions,etc. after she arrived up at the hospital with my mother. after the examination,she ws allwoed in,got dress.she asked as we waited for my mother to bring the car around.'so what happen"as i begin to speak "she says we'll talk about it later" i say ok,then she said"so why didnt you want to take the hiv test"i said cuz i will take it with my doctor,then she said"did u get rape-you didnt get rape".the detective said you said something about a boyfriend in dc,etc.then she said so why dont want to talk about it" i was so frozen. i couldnt believe. my mother who was with while at the house when the police were around confirm no police spoke with me n there was no conversation about a boyfriend,let alone dc.
from that day,there has been a rollercaster ride. inthe 1st week i wsa never ask"so how r u?i ws ask what happen n such a way,with a tone that pierce thru me. i go to talk about it with her-"i dont want to talk about" so i stop ,then its "you wont talk to me about what happen". we went thru this so much in 1day that she laughed. i found nothing funny.i have been constantly accuse of being,wanting to be,planning even in the moment of wanting men,women,healthy,unhealthy,well off,broke,any n everybody. it is all about the sex. i been told this is no longer a home. going to sell the house and buy and apartment. name caling,she tries to setup situations to force me to go in the backyard.if i dont go a guilt trip is attempted. when they had the guns on me ,i was so scared. i didnt say anything except ok im getting up cuz they had push me thru the gate n i tripped ova the ladder,i didnt want to fall, i didnt want them to shoot. she began to say what she would do or say,.its bee a few week ago,i try not to be weak,but there is no support here.if it appears im gettin stronger ,she says or does something where as "im doing or having done,said or having said something to her.it has been all about what she thinks,feel or views as valid about the rape. the rape happen to me. i didnt want this to happen to me.again.i was rape at the age of 111/2,the summer after graduating from elementary. i work hard at being a positve person. she has told people i have the patience of JOB(in the bible). over the pass some years(close to10),i hav been accuse of being with and that everybody wants me. i was diagnose in 2004. i take morphine for pain. no relationship is perfect,howeva a loyality,a friendship. she ask "is all this for attention." i have wonderful childen and just had my grandbaby born in june.she waited til we bombed,i stay on the front,she said help me with the rocks,she knows the rocksn my herb garden bring s me enjoyment,i was nervous and scared .she said the dogs r loose,im here,she law enforcement.so teamwork i thought wsa coming about.i thought there was the ability for peace,security-taking back what the rapist took from me.no! once my guards were down,she accuse me of sleeping with the laborer who worked for us,she said"u f--him,just say u f-- him. she brought me outside close to the area where it happen. i lost it. this angry came ova me .i began to cuss,etc. did she like my pain? i dont really have anything,im like the wife,the spouse calls all the shoots,her house,car,truck,etc. i have been told whats mine is yours but i have come to learn and know thats not true.my doctor recommended sometime ago be of caution with certain activites cuz my body stay with pain,etc. i dont understand the lack of support understanding or willingness to listen. i feel repeatedly traumatized,im numb!i feel lik giving up,like is it worth?my mother says "in time i am to speak about,in my comfort will i remember all details and if i never speak in complete details,it is my choice .and it is my right cuz it happen to me,.
i do understand though the thought of having a soul mate(or what i thought to be a soul mate)bring the reality at this time that no there is no soul mate for me to help me even try to understand any of what i may not understand, to help me thru this hell .
sorry if long and hopefully i didnt ramble too much. i go to my 1st therapy session on tues. thanks for allowing me to share.

Thanks for telling your story Notofthisworld. Yes, there's nothing worse than being verbally & emotionally abused by loved ones after you have already suffered such great trauma. I think your spouse is probably shocked & confused & just doesn't know what to think. But of course that doesn't allow her to take her frustrations out on you by insulting you. Speaking from my own experience, that type of verbal abuse will only set you back in your recovery. You can't progress to a better place with that type of psychological assault. She needs to find a healthy way to process her own feelings about this. Here in the states the crisis centers offer free/ low-cost counseling for not only the rape victims but for spouses as well. They even offer couples therapy for them. I don't want to tell you what to do, but maybe it might be a good idea for you to suggest counseling for your spouse too. And if she refuses, then it might be in your best interest to distance yourself from her for a while. In my experience, the only time I got any positive results was when I shocked the stupidity right out of my spouse by standing up for myself.

And I'm sorry for the bad treatment you received from the police. They can be completely insensitive at times. They need to have better training on how to deal with victims if they are going to be in this line of work. I'm glad you went to therapy. I hope it helps you out a great deal in your healing process.

Wow, all of you have felt so much pain, both during the assault and after. I kinda thought I was alone in the whole revictimization thing.

Boy, this is gonna take a bit to explain, so please bear with me.

I was twelve the first time I was raped. I was a little freaking kid who thought I knew everything. But these things I KNEW were things like no one will ever hurt me, and, if someone does hurt my they wont get away with it...

BULL. My boyfriend's twin brother and their older brother attacked me September 11 1996. God I freaked. I stopped talking, stopped eating, even changed my name. My dad and Renee knew something was wrong with me but they didn't know what.

So I tell my BFF and without my permission she goes and tells a teacher, who informs the school, my parents, and the police. YEAH. so it's a whole open can of worms and I just wish I could die. My dad was so good about it. I know it had to be eating him up inside. But he was so calm and he asked me what I wanted to do and promised he wouldn't let them hurt me again. He helped me in my choice not to prosecute (He wanted me to but helped me reason out my own reasons for not wanting to do it and never once pressured me).
But my Step-mother constantly got on my case. She accused me of lying to get my father's attention. She said I was a slut and I deserved it. She said some really nasty things. And a HUGE part of me believed her. My dad divorced her and moved us across the country.
Yes if you are cheering my father on at this point - Please do so - he deserves it.

Anywho, I thought that was the end of it. Even my father didn't realize I needed trauma counseling. So I went on with stuff and just tried repressing everything. eventually I told some friends at school, but they made it sound like I was just trying to get attention or something. So I kept my mouth shut when i was raped again at sixteen. I didn't tell anyone until i found out I was pregnant with my son.

Anyways, my dad, again, was very supportive. He was even there during the delivery (I panicked and sent the nurses to get him - lol) and we decided we would try to find the guy who had done it together. No such luck. I was angry but i eventually learned to let it go.

Then when I was 18 it happened again... in the counseling center... and when I went to get a protection order the guys girlfriend STOOD UP FOR HIM! I was so angry. I thought there must be something wrong with ME.

God I was screwed up. I ended up marrying a guy after he raped me when I was 19 because I was pregnant (WAY AGAINST MY FATHER AND SISTER'S WISHES) and he beat me almost to death before I left him.
The church told me to stay with him, that if I changed myself he wouldn't hit me. BULLS***. It was all about power and control. And what he did while we were married... in the church's eyes that was NOT rape because i agreed to give him my body when i married him.

I actually did meet someone less than a year after splitting up with my ex-husband. My current hubby (Of six years as of August 8) and he was so wonderful. My son loved him even before I did and that was a big part of why we got together... that and his attitude was much like my fathers. Rape was a crime and I was not to blame. It was not my fault. I can't count the number of times he has held me through my nightmares and been there. Even he says stupid things sometimes, not realizing that it will hurt me. it must be said that those times are very few and far between and he can tell by the expression on my face that he has said something wrong and goes about correcting it immediately.

So five and a half years passed... I became a victim's advocate with my husband's urging, and went back to college after discussing my dreams with him. He helps me by watching the kids and cooking meals and being there with any information he has about what I am studying, and generally just supports me.

But this January someone started stalking me. And in February I was raped. And then the person took me from my college in broad daylight. My husband and my best friend (A) went about tracking down the person responsible and forcing the police to go find me. They did find me and I was brought to the hospital. god everything was so hard. I came home and my husband was very supportive, and my dad, my sister, and A.... but others I had long considered my best friends said everything from, "get over it," to asking if I was cheating on my husband and trying to cover it up. People said i was crazy or lying, and no mention of the police finding me chained up inside the guy's house.

Ever since I have been struggling with whether to prosecute the crime. I recently made up my mind to do it, but while I was still struggling with it people made comments that if I didnt do it i must be lying, or that it would be my fault if he rapes someone else if I didn't press charges, and hundreds of other comments, or people asking what I had done to put myself in that situation, like it was my fault he had fixated on me. It was rediculous.

So I have felt very hurt and alone. even those who do support me in all of this don't know what to say to me half the time. I am afraid it will happen again, and even my husband thinks I am being paranoid. But what else can I think after so many times being made the victim again and again. So yeah, that's my story

Thanks for sharing your story ladybuglover. I am totally cheering your dad on. His wonderfully supportive response is, sadly, so uncommon. I'm really glad you had him in your corner from day one. And I'm sorry you had to endure that witch's hateful words (your stepmom). And again, I applaud your dad for having the courage to leave her. I have heard of mothers who take sides with their new husbands against their kids when the kids claim that he's abusive and/or has molested them. I never understood that. How severe is their need to not be alone that they would rather be with a pedophile who is hurting their own children than to be on their own for a while? I'm so glad to hear that there are still strong and decent people in the world like your dad.

I'm also really glad that your hubby is so supportive. He sounds great, and I love that he is encouraging you to follow your dreams. I can't help but be curious though when you say sometimes he says stupid things too. (Do you mind if I message you)? I guess even people with the best of intentions have a way of misfiring their frustrations. But he still definintely sounds like a keeper. I would just tell you to distance yourself from those toxic "friends" who think you're making things up to get attention.