It is hard and terrible, but honestly the only thing to keep myself going is the thought of pursuing my dream. I really want to be a writer and thinking about becoming a writer, and being successful makes me feel better. Just imagining that day this all becomes manageable, it won't ever go away which in a way is a good thing because every experience contributes to who you are, so maybe something good will come out of it. But think about how one day this experience won't be what defines you, and you'll be better and you will be more mature, successful and put together then him. Think about the day you run this world and you make him feel like shit for ever hurting you. That is how I do it, I don't know if that helps or not.

Thank you wallflower, that definitely does help.. you are soo accurate in everything you are saying.. they times I did want to go I didn’t want to let that one person end my life. I know I am stronger and more successful than that person ever will be even now. You are so right and I do feel when I get through this I will be much wiser and resilient than ever, I will be able to help others and be more compassionate and understanding

Why won't he be convicted if you don't mind me asking?

What was the hardest for me was feeling dirty for a very long time. When it happened I sat in the bath tub for 3 1/2 hours! Also it was difficult to be told it was probably my fault by my own "mother."

You just have to take each day minute by minute. Continue going to counseling. You'll never completely get over it (it'll be 28 yrs for me this November) but you do manage to cope with life. Big hugs!

I do feel dirty all the time it is very hard, thanks for your reply gregsbaby. It happened just last year as an adult, I’m 25 and a mum of two and never thought when I become a mum this would happen. It was by a family friend. When I saw he won’t be convicted. Unfortunately it’s just I know, the police officer even said so. I had to do it though. It’s complex. He is someone who used to come to my home when I was a child and as soon as I was in a rough spot in my life he msgd and reached out to me and pretended to be my friend, my family told me to invite him over and he straight away took advantage of me. For weeks I was in shock and felt trapped with him.. he was acting as if I was ‘his’ and said not to tell anyone what happened and he immediately said he was sorry and he did it cause he loved me and respected me so much. He manipulated me for weeks and we even caught up for lunch, he kept trying to come onto me but I felt sick and repulsed. I was a mess and stopped eating and was sick and felt like I could only talk to him, as he was the only one who knew. When I told my family they were angry at him but then said he was sorry and likes me and it was no big deal what he did. Wasn’t until I spoke to professionals I even realised what happened was rape. I was so confused and upset for weeks over it and then after two months was suicidal. My family also blamed me and said it was my fault. As a mother, I’ve nevr been more humiliated and betrayed and hurt. I also have hpv now from him. This has ruined my life and he will walk free, he is living his life knowing he can do whatever he wants. He knew I was vulnerable and purposely raped me and knew he would get away with it, that’s why he did it. It’s been over four months and my family took his side now and turned there backs on me.. it makes me sick. People like him and the rape culture and victim blaming is so wrong and life ruining. I’m continuing counseling and psychologist and doing anything I can to move on. I’m still fighting suicidal thoughts but I’m managing to survive for my kids and their dad, if I didn’t have them I think I would have ended it. I feel such a burden and want to get better, that’s why I had to report it and make sure he knows I know it was wrong, it’s not ok, I’m letting my family know it’s not ok and he hopefully will think twice and NEVER do this to anyone ever again.