I start saying I'm not a native speaker so please forgive me for any mistake writing.

I’ve been sexually assaulted twice in the past, the very first time when I was 17 and the second I was 21 but I never talked about it and alway thouhgt it wasn’t a big deal. It actually was.

It was a BIG deal but I couldn’t understand that the feeling of loneliness, emptyness and sadness was a result of understimating my trauma, I was saying to myself that I was being too dramatic and that probably was all my fault what happened, I never seeked for help and never spoke with anyone about my feelings.

Eventually one of my best friends felt in love with the guy who assaulted me, even thought she knew what he did to me, and they are still together.

In October everything changed: I've been sexually assaulted in a hostel.  At the very beginning all my friends were kinda of supportive, were giving me advices and pushing me to report the event, so I finally took courage and reported everything to the police. 

Reporting the fact to the police, I ended up telling them about the other two times, it was devastating, it was like waking up and understanding that everything happened for real, it wasn’t only in my mind, I wasn’t exagerating… I was forced to deal with my feelings and it wasn’t pleasant.

As a consequence I spent the first times avoiding my parents and staying outside as long as I could, after a while I couldn’t have a social life anymore.

I couldn’t go out like a normal person, only thinking about entering in a bar or restaurant was giving me nausea, at the same time I really didn’t want to stay home so I was asking to my friends to go out but we were always ending up smoking cigarettes inside of the car.

After one month I lost two friends, who were telling me that I push people away and I build walls around me.

After two months I lost one more friend, she’s not replying to my messages and calling me only when she needs my help.

At the moment I can say that I still have only one friend left but I feel like I’m slowly losing her too.

I feel broken and lonely, I passed all my weekends at home alone since January and I’m getting sick everyday more. The worst is thinking that even if I reported the fact my assaultant is STILL working in that hostel and the other one is now moving with his girlfriend (my friend) and having a very good time.

Anyone experiencing something similar? Any advice?

Thank you for reading <3