Rape Support Group
If you or someone you know has been the victim of rape, this is the place to find support and get advice. If you want, discuss your experience, share your feelings, and meet others going through a similar situation.
I am SO angry and very overwhelmed!!
After several attacks and a downward spiral, I started talking to my school counselor about everything. Since I was 18 years old, she called in a female detective and with my approval I talked with the detective. After several months I started to trust her and could actually talk to someone about everything that happened to me and she was the first one to actually care. Since I had decided I was not mentally ready to press charges, everything I told her was documented and kept safe on file until I was really ready. Well, around last september, my case got taken away from her and was given to another detective because we are now friends outside of her job and its a conflict of interest. I was very upset about a new detective on the case. This new guy detective informed me that he would be doing an investigation wither I wanted one or not, and he would interview everyone I know. I told him I didn't want that. He said the only reason I wouldn't want an investigation is if I were lying about everything. My parents have known about the abuse for several years and don't think its a big deal. They do not want me talking about it or reporting it. When I talked with the female detective, I kept it quite so my parents would never find out. And she always respected my wishes and concerns. Well, this new detective called in my parents and told them everything that was in my files. He told my parents he believes I am lying and will come arrest me if I ever give a name to my attacker. He told my parents not to tell me that he spoke with them (but my parents did tell me, only to rub it in my face that the detective didn't believe me). The detective also told my parents that he will now be watching me and investigating me. He said gotten into my facebook and has looked into all of my friends. Just a few days ago, I was informed that this new detective is closing my case and on my permanent record it will say that I had made everything up. He also informed me that I will be coming in to apologize to him in person for "wasting his time."
I AM SO MAD!! This is MY life!! Its not a game! I just want so bad to yell at him and ask him if he knows what its like to be raped!! Its nothing pleasurable. Its painful and dirty, its horrible and your attacker takes something from you that you never even knew you had. This has changed my whole life. I'm hanging on by a very thin rope and its so tough to keep on keeping on. When does an attack ever stop taking pieces of you!? :'(
After several attacks and a downward spiral, I started talking to my school counselor about everything. Since I was 18 years old, she called in a female detective and with my approval I talked with the detective. After several months I started to trust her and could actually talk to someone about everything that happened to me and she was the first one to actually care. Since I had decided I was not mentally ready to press charges, everything I told her was documented and kept safe on file until I was really ready. Well, around last september, my case got taken away from her and was given to another detective because we are now friends outside of her job and its a conflict of interest. I was very upset about a new detective on the case. This new guy detective informed me that he would be doing an investigation wither I wanted one or not, and he would interview everyone I know. I told him I didn't want that. He said the only reason I wouldn't want an investigation is if I were lying about everything. My parents have known about the abuse for several years and don't think its a big deal. They do not want me talking about it or reporting it. When I talked with the female detective, I kept it quite so my parents would never find out. And she always respected my wishes and concerns. Well, this new detective called in my parents and told them everything that was in my files. He told my parents he believes I am lying and will come arrest me if I ever give a name to my attacker. He told my parents not to tell me that he spoke with them (but my parents did tell me, only to rub it in my face that the detective didn't believe me). The detective also told my parents that he will now be watching me and investigating me. He said gotten into my facebook and has looked into all of my friends. Just a few days ago, I was informed that this new detective is closing my case and on my permanent record it will say that I had made everything up. He also informed me that I will be coming in to apologize to him in person for "wasting his time."
I AM SO MAD!! This is MY life!! Its not a game! I just want so bad to yell at him and ask him if he knows what its like to be raped!! Its nothing pleasurable. Its painful and dirty, its horrible and your attacker takes something from you that you never even knew you had. This has changed my whole life. I'm hanging on by a very thin rope and its so tough to keep on keeping on. When does an attack ever stop taking pieces of you!? :'(
This is so unfair. First of all, this detective has no right to be doing any of that. It is supposed to be up to YOU whether or not you want an investigation. You also do not owe this detective a single thing!
I think you should contact a crisis center and see if someone can help you get in touch with this detective's boss. Everyone works for someone and this is completely unacceptable. You are the one who has control over the investigation - like if you want to stop, they are supposed to stop, even if the detective thinks you are lying (which you are not.) I'm pretty sure this detective guy has done some illegal stuff... there is a difference between "lack of evidence" and "making things up" and while there may be unfortunately a lack of evidence in your case, you are not making things up.
And if you're not up to trying to get this detective in trouble, that's totally understandable. This stuff is beyond stressful. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.
I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you right now because you are right, this is not just a game. This is your life. None of what's happened to you is your fault. Just because this stupid detective decided he was going to make it his mission to say you're lying doesn't mean you're lying. The police are so very corrupt. Do not give this man any apology - you've done nothing wrong and you have not wasted anyone's time. I seriously hope there is a special place in hell for this guy.
He can't arrest you for giving a name. He can't do like any of those things he's said - he's threatening you, this has got to be illegal.
I am so sorry.
Truth is, if he really thought you were making it up, he wouldn't even waste time on it. You didn't waste his time. He did.
He'd let it sink to the bottom of the pile of folders on his desk and eventually it would disappear into the black hole of cold cases, never to be seen again.
If you are feeling particularly balsy, call his bluff and tell him that he clearly is just pressuring you because you wouldn't be worth his time even to pursue as a false case if he didn't actually believe there was something to prosecute here.
And if he does believe your case after all and still thinks it should be prosecuted if true, then he should have had enough respect to try to convince you adult to adult over the merits of investigation/prosecution. If he can't convince you, he should walk away gracefully and not try underhanded tricks like accusing you of having cried wolf.
I'd talk to a victims advocate or the local crisis center about this. Talk to people and see what ideas they have about putting a little pressure on _him_. Find out what sort of in service training he's had and what the process is for reporting him to internal affairs. See who in your town or state you can get behind you: lawyers, victims advocates, counsellors, women's groups, the media.
I'd love to see you pull together the people to back you so you can walk into that "apology" meeting and ask _him_ to apologize.
This most definitely is YOUR life. It is not a game. You know you weren't lying so don't assume that his version of the truth is what everyone else will believe. The stronger you stand in your own truth, the more flimsy his doubts will look.
Yelling at him might not be such a good idea, but marshalling as many third parties as you can to put pressure on him if he doesn't shape up would communicate much the same point and may in the long run create change that would not only help you but others.
I agree with Elisheva...that this guy is trying to get you to "bite" and lash out at him and try to "proove" your account is true. If you do not, that changes zero about your truth. I know you are hurt and angry. I would be too. But, my first slice of business would be to get that guy censored, thrown off your case....thrown out of Law Enforcement....obviously he knows nothing about rape trauma. He needs to be reported. He needs a complaint in his "jacket"...he needs to apologize to you and your family, and he needs to give your information to a verified special vicitms detective. He has no right to bully you -- none!
Sorry...I am just really angry for you about this...ugh!!
Everyone else has given some good advice. I hope that things work out but if not, you have support on here. I know that all of us feel extremely frustrated right along with you. I know I do. It is so absolutely appalling and infuriating the way you are being treated and dismissed and invalidated and even violated.
I wish you the best in your future healing.
I have been talking with the detective who had my case first, the one who is now a friend of mine, and she is trying to get their boss on top of things so their boss knows whats going on. It is just so frustrating. My parents could have possibly over exaggerated on a few things that this new detective had said, but I know that a lot of what they came back and told me is true. A lot of what my parents said that the detective said, is what I have only told the first detective and what was put on file, I've never mentioned that certain information to anyone else. I have a best friend who's mother works at the same police station. The new detective told her that I made everything up and had told her that he believes my best friend Kate and I are too good of friends and are holding each other back in life. He also told her that he believes I am a negative effect on Kate. Just a few nights ago Kate and I talked about everything going on. She is very worn out from the whole thing. When I'm upset, she's upset. I had confided in Kate about a week ago that I have been feeling suicidal lately and all of my feelings. She didn't say much then. But just a few nights ago she told me that she thinks I will never be happy in my life and because of that, she wont ever be happy either because she will always be wondering if I'll kill myself one day. It was more of a fight.. she went on to tell me that I am the reason why she is ever sad or angry in her life and that everything else in her life are positive and happy things. Kate has been my best friend since 2nd grade. she has always been there for me through everything. Now we decided its best for her that we don't see much of each other anymore. I feel like I'm losing everything because of this. I feel like the truth doesn't matter anymore. This whole investigation and what happened to me has ruined several relationships I had with people. I don't think I'm as mad about him saying I'm lying as much as I am him going around giving out a lot of information to people in my life. I know justice will never be served in my case, and I have accepted that. I just wish I had people in my life to fall back on, and I don't anymore.
For one the "your lying" bull**** is harassment, and i know in US they have a law i thnk called miranda rights t stop harassment for a susoect so surely yhtat applies to av ictim too?
And another thing, going round telling people you are lying about somethin like this is slander!
I would right a letter, and make fone calls to the head of police in your area and contact a lawyer, get the insensitive, badly trained, ignorant man banged to rights.