There is something that I haven’t really been dealing with. It’s there, under the surface, affecting me, but I brushed it under the rug as insignificant event. It was not an insignificant at all; it had a huge impact on me. I’m just great at living in denial and minimizing this sort of thing, after all; to do so is “normal.” I have endured a lot of abuse in my life and I had to repress and deny in order to cope and survive. When this happened, those coping skills kicked right in. 

I’m not like other people; I never have been.  I have had rape fantasies as far back as I can remember; since childhood. My father was a rapist, and perpetually violated boundaries, of others, in general. He raped my mother, in front of me, countless times when I was young.

He abused me. He got off on making his victims struggle and he would do things to me that caused me to struggle, scream, and fight against him. My memories are not very clear, but I have pieced a lot together. I have PTSD and am triggered by various sensations that are tied to the abuse. I know I was helpless, pinned down; I remember trying to kick and hit and struggle against him. He never had vaginal sex with me, but he rubbed himself on me, stimulated me, jacked off on me and I have reason to believe he sodomized me as well. There is no telling what all I have repressed, but the details are not important; the effect of the abuse is what I struggle with.

I have terrible boundaries; I always have. I was molested by multiple people when I was a young child. I did not know how to say no to predators. They would tell me what to do, and I would do it. As I matured I became a promiscuous teenager, again, I didn’t no how to say no. A guy would come onto me and I’d just let him do whatever… I used to judge myself harshly, ask myself, why didn’t you stop that? But, psychologically, I really don’t have the ability to do that. I revert to a childlike state and feel helpless. It’s referred to as “learned helplessness.” Basically, I fought and struggled against my first abuser and it never did me any good. In fact, it was what he wanted. Struggling, fighting, saying no, never served me and I learned not to fight. I learned to give into it, and sexually, I even learned to “enjoy” it. And that’s what I did when I was raped. I went right into that headspace.

I’m turned on by force, so when I was raped by someone who had been my lover, I just didn’t respond like a normal person would. I sexualized it, I surrendered to it, I accepted it. And I even went on to encourage it. It’s been almost a year since it occurred, and I am just now allowing myself to feel some of the emotions that I have kept down.

I wasn’t physically harmed. It was intensely arousing for me, but it has taken it’s toll mentally and emotionally. I had stopped fanaticizing about rape, D/s, being beat… for about five years prior. I was trying really hard to change what triggers my arousal. I came to realize that I am turned on by force due to how my brain because wired in childhood and I had hoped to rewire my brain to associate arousal with love instead. But, it didn’t really work for me. I just repressed my sexual feelings and lost interest in my partner. That is why we split up.  He wanted a sexual/emotional connection. He wanted me to want him, but without the “right” stimulation, I just about lost interest in sex completely. I had to push myself to have sex once a week, but that wasn’t enough for him. He complained all the time. He didn’t feel loved. I was inadequate. I said, look, I have these sexual issues, it’s not you, I’m sorry. You should find someone else.

But this man is the father of my child, and he was quite dependent on me. We both knew that if he moved out, he would not have resources to visit with our child. So, I let him stick around, for our son’s sake.  So that we could co-parent. I let him stay in an RV on my property and we cooperated with each other in order to make that work. Really, it never did. We had constant conflict. I would ask him to leave and he would tell me that he was going to, but then he never did. He suffers from various mental illnesses and it is difficult for me to be around his intense and volatile emotions. He was emotionally abusive to me, but I can handle all that… So, he stuck around.

During this time, I was trying to exercise good boundaries, to assert myself and not let him seduce me. It was a constant battle. I wanted to move on, but couldn’t. He spied on me and would not allow me to be alone at the home, so I didn’t have the opportunity to develop a new relationship. I just went without sex and constantly turned him down, which was difficult to do. But, I didn’t want to get sucked in again. I knew if I had sex with him, then all the other boundaries I was trying to keep would be violated. I felt stuck in a situation I wasn’t happy with, but I wanted him to have a relationship with our son, so I tolerated it.

After being split up for six months, we were getting along as friends again. We had plans to go to a concert together and Grandma was watching our son. When we were partners, something I really enjoyed doing with him was giving and receiving back rubs. I hadn’t let him rub my shoulders in months, even though I was aching and he could help relieve the pain, but this day I let it happen. I told him that it would only be massage and could not lead to sex; he agreed. But that’s not how it went.

After massaging my back, he began to massage my butt and clit, and I became untorturable with the situation. I said no, and I tried to stand up in order to get dressed and end the encounter, but he pushed me back down to the ground and started spanking my butt.

Spanking is a major fetish for me. I’ve been spanking myself since childhood and get really aroused by it. He knew this, but I seldom let him do it to me. I recall one time, but perhaps there was another. Most of the time, when he offered, I told him that I didn’t want to do anything BDSM related, that it is tied into the abuse, and I didn’t feel it was healthy for me mentally. So, it had been a long time since I had been spanked, and I really got off on it. I sexualized it, I surrendered to it and I enjoyed it, I did, but I didn’t feel so great about myself the next morning.

We spoke about how I felt violated. I explained how I really meant no when I said no, and how I felt really mixed up about everything. He apologized, and I guess I kind of accepted that. I really wasn’t in a situation where I could do anything else. I felt trapped in the living situation; he’s my son’s father. I’d asked him to move out countless times and he didn’t. It was a really busy time at work and I needed his help at home. What was I going to do? I don’t even think reporting it to the police crossed my mind as an option. I just don’t respond how I should to a violation like this. I didn’t really see it as a crime against me although, it was. It did bother me, in some big ways. I knew that another woman had accused him of rape previously. I knew that it was true. He I was the daughter of a rapist and I have a child with, a rapist… but I wasn’t wanting to deal with all that, so I minimized it and I turned it around into something else. I sexualized it and I encouraged him to explore kink with me. I asked for more.

I knew it was a stupid idea, but it was fun for a little while. The problem, however, is that I showed him that I wasn’t going to stand up to him and keep boundaries, that my will didn’t matter. And then I encouraged that and sexualized it. I encouraged really toxic behavior from someone who was already a bit unstable and it sure hasn’t been good for him. I’ve seen him take a turn from being someone I liked and had respect for to someone who I see as malicious and suspicious.  It’s a shame, but maybe I was just fooled all along. When to woman came to me years ago, claiming he raped her when she was black-out drunk, and I believed his side of the story.  Yet he lied to me about smoking cigarettes for our entire relationship, and I didn’t catch it, so maybe he was always this way and I just didn’t want to see it. I don’t know.

Of course, it all blew up on us. We couldn’t make a bad thing better by making the sex exciting.  Things got bad, and we split up for good. He’s moved out, we’ve been through custody court and things are better now.

But his harassment continues.

He doesn’t respect me at all. The consensual D/s relationship ended and we should act like adults who treat each other with respect, but I don’t get that.  He will text me and say inappropriate sexual comments. I reply saying it’s no longer appropriate and please only message about our son, but he continues; asking personal questions, making suggestions, commenting about things he reads online. He’s cyber-stalking me on accounts I have tied to block him from...

He keeps pushing me to spend time with him, for our son, because he wants, “both his parents,” and I get that, but since he has left my life, I have been able to actually process what occurred in our relationship, and he is no longer my friend. He is not someone I am going to hang out with, or confide in. He wants to play nice and send my good morning texts. Just keeps pushing me to be friendly. He expects me to go to his parent’s house for the holidays and says I am being a bad mother but not doing so. “Hurting our son.” . I say no, over and over and over again and he continues to push me.

His latest, that he pulled on Christmas, is that he wants more time with our son and I should let him visit at MY home! Like for real? You think you can just treat me the way you did for years, rape me, use me, betray me, violate every boundary I try to set consistently and then expect me to open my door to you?  Or I’m a bad mom, and I’m hurting our child and all the bad choices you makes are my fault?

It’s not my fault, it’s his actions that have created the circumstances in which we now live.

He keeps pushing, and I’m just really on edge and don’t need to be pushed anymore. I need to be respected. I have damn good reasons for not feeling comfortable leaving our child with him unsupervised for days. I have a damn good reason not to want him in my home. I’m trying to provide for our son and all his needs on my own and I have a hard enough time without his constant harassment and disrespect. He needs to move on and let it be, because if he keeps pushing me I’m going to start pushing back. I’m going to start telling people why I am not going to sit across the dinner table and smile at him on Christmas. I’ll start by telling is mom. And I think I owe a personal apology to the woman who he raped before we got together. I should have listened to her. Maybe she’ll come back and punch him in the face again. He sure as fuck deserves it.

But yeah, I should have punched him in the face, but I’m an incest survivor and I let it happen.