Rape Support Group
If you or someone you know has been the victim of rape, this is the place to find support and get advice. If you want, discuss your experience, share your feelings, and meet others going through a similar situation.
I came here because I feel completely lost.
I was molested by an uncle when I was child. I finally said something when I was 4-5. I don't know how long it was happened but it seemed like forever. When I was about 7 my brothers fathers had a problem with touching. At age 8 my mother was on drugs and selling her body. Some of the men she brought around were no child friendly. When I said something she told me it was my fault. So I stopped telling her if her boyfriend was creeping me out or if her 'client' wanted to rub on my legs when she wasn't around. By 12-13 I slept with a knife under my pillow and carried a razor blade if I left the house. My mother wasn't willing to protect me but I was willing to do it myself.
All that happened, and it bothered me but I didn't think about it too much. Just the general distrustful of men, wanting to wait until marriage for sex, feeling robbed of my virginity, refusing to wear anything but baggy clothes. I slowly let go of much of that and just continued on with life.
But recently a friend was having problems with a sexual assualt that happened years ago and she needed to talk. So I let her talk and I ended up sharing things that happened to me. It was horrible. The more I talked the more things that I had boxed away in my mind started to come forward. Questions I never thought about were suddenly there and I didn't know what to do. Its been weeks and I can't let it go.
I've always been very sexual. Do everything, try anything. I write erotica and I have romance novels all over my house and filling my eReader. I thought that atleast 4 days out of every week should start with an orgasm- and if not with your partner than by yourself! I've always been this way and never questioned it.
But I was talking to my friend and it was like a memory over load. I remembered being little and telling my aunt because I was afraid my mom would hit me if I told her. I remembered holding up 5 fingers when she askd me how many times it happened. I couldn't count how many times it happened, but it happened alot and I just didn't want him to touch me anymore. I remembered the smell of his house. I remembered him never letting my brother sleep with me and my brother always got upset that we couldn't be together. I remembered laying on the floor and him moving over me and looking to the side and seeing my brother asleep and knowing I have to be quiet or I'll wake him.
That is when I realized I can smell things, I see things, I feel him on top of me. But I didn't hurt. He was on top of me but I don't remember any pain. How long was this happening to me that it didn't even hurt anymore? Or worse- did he make me like it somehow? I remember being 4-5 years old and masturbating. I never thought about the fact that I probably shouldn't know how to do that at 4 or 5 years old. I remembered being 5 years old and not wanting to underwear. Or wanting to wear clothing that was too revealing.
No wonder it seemed like all the freaks of nature kept crawling out of hiding places tryin to touch me and fondle me! Small, vulnerable, pretty. Mom is strung out on drugs and selling her body while he daughter wants to smile and dance and prance around her house in dresses without underwear. Talk about an easy mark for pedophiles.
Obviously it didn't take too many naughty touches for me to change my mind about wearing my underwear. I stopped wearing dresses and skirts too. Eventually I stopped even wearing shorts.
A weeks ago, remembering all of this- I just felt dirty and disgusting. I just wanted to vomit. I cried and got upset and then I thought it would all go away. I just didn't think about. Just go back to normal. Then I noticed I hadn't felt the urge to touch myself in weeks. Wierd. But the minute I try I am 4 years old and laying on that floor again. If I even think about sex- I'm 4 years old and laying on the floor.
I'm only getting worse instead of better. I don't undersand how I can be responding this way. Its been 20 years but I'm acting as though it was last month. I obviously don't want sex. I don't want my partner to even see me naked anymore. Letting him or my daughter even touch today made me feel sick to my stomach. I felt so tainted, and dirty and horrible that when I was in the shower I wished I could just peel the skin off and toss it in the trash. I just didn't want to be me. I didn't want my family to touch me because I felt like they were light and happy and sunshine, but I was infecting them or something.
I felt so bad for telling them not to touch me. He looked so hurt and confused and my 4 year old daughter couldn't understand why mommy was crying. I tried to hold his hand and apologize for freaking out and flinching away when he tried to touch me but when he started to lay there and rub my shoulder all I could do was tense up and to remind myself "you're not dirty" and fight the urge to throw up.
I'm just so lost. I don't know if I should try to force myself past these feelings, or if I should justlet them run their course.
I'm scared. He wants me to get councelling. He thinks it will 'fix' me. I am afraid what will happen when h realizes that I'm as 'fixed' as I will ever be. Or atleast I was. I wasn't perfect before now but my life didn't feel halted. I didn't think about all of this every day, when ever I closed my eyes. Before my problem is that my daughter is 4 and I am having a tough time letting her do things. I'm over protective for obvious reason but I relied on my partner to be the happy, well adjusted guy from middle class family who never had my life, to make me open up a bit. He thought I needed therapy then. I don't know how he can handle dealing with me now. I know he loves me.
I want to open up to him but I can't. He is my sun. He makes all the bad things go away. I'm just happy to be with him and let him chase the shadows away. But this time I can't let him do that for me because I feel like if he realizes what I'm going through he wont be there. He'll leave because he just can't deal with it all.
I know he loves me and wouldn't just walk out. I know I wasn't a 10 year old siren that was irresistable to men. I know it wasn't my fault. I know I don't pass some wierd dna to my daughter that is going to get her raped. If it happened to her I wouldn't blame her or stop being there like my mom did to me. I KNOW this stuff. But sometimes it is hard to believe it. I just feel like I'm stuck. I'm hoping that if I have a commmunity to talk to here I can learn how to fight some of these demons without relying on m partner to make me smile and brighten up my day.
I was molested by an uncle when I was child. I finally said something when I was 4-5. I don't know how long it was happened but it seemed like forever. When I was about 7 my brothers fathers had a problem with touching. At age 8 my mother was on drugs and selling her body. Some of the men she brought around were no child friendly. When I said something she told me it was my fault. So I stopped telling her if her boyfriend was creeping me out or if her 'client' wanted to rub on my legs when she wasn't around. By 12-13 I slept with a knife under my pillow and carried a razor blade if I left the house. My mother wasn't willing to protect me but I was willing to do it myself.
All that happened, and it bothered me but I didn't think about it too much. Just the general distrustful of men, wanting to wait until marriage for sex, feeling robbed of my virginity, refusing to wear anything but baggy clothes. I slowly let go of much of that and just continued on with life.
But recently a friend was having problems with a sexual assualt that happened years ago and she needed to talk. So I let her talk and I ended up sharing things that happened to me. It was horrible. The more I talked the more things that I had boxed away in my mind started to come forward. Questions I never thought about were suddenly there and I didn't know what to do. Its been weeks and I can't let it go.
I've always been very sexual. Do everything, try anything. I write erotica and I have romance novels all over my house and filling my eReader. I thought that atleast 4 days out of every week should start with an orgasm- and if not with your partner than by yourself! I've always been this way and never questioned it.
But I was talking to my friend and it was like a memory over load. I remembered being little and telling my aunt because I was afraid my mom would hit me if I told her. I remembered holding up 5 fingers when she askd me how many times it happened. I couldn't count how many times it happened, but it happened alot and I just didn't want him to touch me anymore. I remembered the smell of his house. I remembered him never letting my brother sleep with me and my brother always got upset that we couldn't be together. I remembered laying on the floor and him moving over me and looking to the side and seeing my brother asleep and knowing I have to be quiet or I'll wake him.
That is when I realized I can smell things, I see things, I feel him on top of me. But I didn't hurt. He was on top of me but I don't remember any pain. How long was this happening to me that it didn't even hurt anymore? Or worse- did he make me like it somehow? I remember being 4-5 years old and masturbating. I never thought about the fact that I probably shouldn't know how to do that at 4 or 5 years old. I remembered being 5 years old and not wanting to underwear. Or wanting to wear clothing that was too revealing.
No wonder it seemed like all the freaks of nature kept crawling out of hiding places tryin to touch me and fondle me! Small, vulnerable, pretty. Mom is strung out on drugs and selling her body while he daughter wants to smile and dance and prance around her house in dresses without underwear. Talk about an easy mark for pedophiles.
Obviously it didn't take too many naughty touches for me to change my mind about wearing my underwear. I stopped wearing dresses and skirts too. Eventually I stopped even wearing shorts.
A weeks ago, remembering all of this- I just felt dirty and disgusting. I just wanted to vomit. I cried and got upset and then I thought it would all go away. I just didn't think about. Just go back to normal. Then I noticed I hadn't felt the urge to touch myself in weeks. Wierd. But the minute I try I am 4 years old and laying on that floor again. If I even think about sex- I'm 4 years old and laying on the floor.
I'm only getting worse instead of better. I don't undersand how I can be responding this way. Its been 20 years but I'm acting as though it was last month. I obviously don't want sex. I don't want my partner to even see me naked anymore. Letting him or my daughter even touch today made me feel sick to my stomach. I felt so tainted, and dirty and horrible that when I was in the shower I wished I could just peel the skin off and toss it in the trash. I just didn't want to be me. I didn't want my family to touch me because I felt like they were light and happy and sunshine, but I was infecting them or something.
I felt so bad for telling them not to touch me. He looked so hurt and confused and my 4 year old daughter couldn't understand why mommy was crying. I tried to hold his hand and apologize for freaking out and flinching away when he tried to touch me but when he started to lay there and rub my shoulder all I could do was tense up and to remind myself "you're not dirty" and fight the urge to throw up.
I'm just so lost. I don't know if I should try to force myself past these feelings, or if I should justlet them run their course.
I'm scared. He wants me to get councelling. He thinks it will 'fix' me. I am afraid what will happen when h realizes that I'm as 'fixed' as I will ever be. Or atleast I was. I wasn't perfect before now but my life didn't feel halted. I didn't think about all of this every day, when ever I closed my eyes. Before my problem is that my daughter is 4 and I am having a tough time letting her do things. I'm over protective for obvious reason but I relied on my partner to be the happy, well adjusted guy from middle class family who never had my life, to make me open up a bit. He thought I needed therapy then. I don't know how he can handle dealing with me now. I know he loves me.
I want to open up to him but I can't. He is my sun. He makes all the bad things go away. I'm just happy to be with him and let him chase the shadows away. But this time I can't let him do that for me because I feel like if he realizes what I'm going through he wont be there. He'll leave because he just can't deal with it all.
I know he loves me and wouldn't just walk out. I know I wasn't a 10 year old siren that was irresistable to men. I know it wasn't my fault. I know I don't pass some wierd dna to my daughter that is going to get her raped. If it happened to her I wouldn't blame her or stop being there like my mom did to me. I KNOW this stuff. But sometimes it is hard to believe it. I just feel like I'm stuck. I'm hoping that if I have a commmunity to talk to here I can learn how to fight some of these demons without relying on m partner to make me smile and brighten up my day.
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My 6mo twin DD's are EBF and just started rice cereal on the first. Everything has been going fine except this morning one of them had a diaper rash (lots of redness around her anus). I read this as one of the signs of an allergy. BUT I did just buy a different brand diaper yesterday (which they have used randomly before w/no issues). Do you think its the cereal or the diaper? Im ready to start...
Yesterday felt so alone and hurt. I came here and realized I'm not alone. That it could be so much worse. I went outside for once and I realized the world hadn't ended. The birds were still chirping. The sun was shining and the wind was blowing.
I realized the world was going on. I might as well pick myself up and go on with it.
Like you, I have had the feeling of being dirty, it still comes and goes. But I hope you realize that it does get better. I wont say that you will be "fixed", but by talking to people the feeling doesn't feel like it will crush you. To me, when I talk to people, it becomes a little easier to think of myself as a person, a living, breathing, "loved" individual. I will never forget, forgive, or get better like my family tells me to but I hopefully will be able to be proud of the person I am.
I can almost not stress enough how much support from someone that loves you is needed and once given, a blessing. It sounds like to me that your partner does care about you and your 4-year old self. I cannot promise that he will not be angry at the people that hurt you, but I can promise that he wont walk away from how you feel. When he said to talk to someone, that means that he cares about you as a person. Never doubt that you are anything less than a gift.
Again, talk to someone, anyone. It will certainly be hard and there will be nightmares and tears, but dont let yourself be imprisoned anymore. Talk to someone, it really does help. By doing that, you are giving 4-year old caramel a voice and helping both you and her to grow. :)
I had a long talk with my partner and expressed all those fears and feelings. I said things out loud that I wasn't allowed to say or think 20 years ago. I think he was happy for a chance to put on his shining armor, lol.
He asked me if I would blame lexi and call her dirty if something happened to her (of course not!). Then why am I blaming myself? Saying that I some how infected our daughter was like saying she was flawed and bad, is that how I viewed Lexi (never!!).
He was awesome. He understands my hesitation about therapy but liked the idea of me joining the support group and taking the self defense class next weekend. I wasnt expecting the amount of anger he displayed about my mom's role. He knew we had a rocky relationship then but he didn't know specifics. Now he knows some specifics and can't understand how I talk to her, or let her be around lexi.
That's going to get awkward when my mom wants to have over might visits with lexi. He is not going to let it happen. He isn't ready to accept that she was on drugs and off balance. She has worked hard to get clean and change her life. The person who did those things to me is dead.