Rape Support Group
If you or someone you know has been the victim of rape, this is the place to find support and get advice. If you want, discuss your experience, share your feelings, and meet others going through a similar situation.
I was raped when I was on a date almost a year ago. In some sort of effort to take my mind off the emotional pain, I started dating again 2 months later. I have no idea why. I wonder if I just needed a friend. I was very clear with the guy I started dating steadily that I had been raped and was not interested in having sex. However, three months into our relationship, he threatened to end things with me because I would not have sex with him. I was attached to him and did not want our relationship to end, so I said I would work on it with him if he was careful and stopped if I needed him to. This scenario happened several times in the three months of our relationship that followed: we would begin to have sex, I would become extremely uncomfortable and scared and ask him to stop. He would tell me to just relax and that he would be done soon. By this time, I was in tears asking him to stop. I couldn't physically push him off me. I think there may have been one time when he did stop. The other times, he continued until he was done. I ended the relationship with him and never thought until recently that what he did to me felt so similar to when I was raped 10 months ago. Is it considered rape if you're dating the person? And I gave him some consent when I said that I would work on it. So is this just a case of me being dumb?
It was a case of him putting his own needs first and not considering you at all.
As rape victims, the odds are stacked up against us and we have to be strong.
We are up against:
-trauma symptoms that require us to want lots of support in a world where support is hard to come by
-people who blame the victim and characterize us as weak, dumb, irresponsible, or (worse) people who think we are either lying about being raped or exagerating our experiences
-increased vulnerability to people like your ex-boyfriend who continued having sex with you after you cried and told him to stop. What he did fits the legal definition of rape (but would be hard to prove in court).
After I was raped my need for love and compassion made me a target for people like your ex-boyfriend. I told a boyfriend that I passed out while being raped and he tried to take advantage by pinning me down for as long as he could. When I cried and told him to let me up, he said "Weren't you supposed to go unconscious?" I was able to escape from the situation but isolated myself for a long time after that experience.
I would put my ex and your ex in the same category of people who revictimize/take advantage of rape survivors. It seems to me like there are alot of them out there and they are the lowest form of life.
You need people who you feel safe with and who can earn your trust (and there are also a good number of good people in the world).
Never give your trust to someone who did not earn it.
And you warned him IN ADVANCE that you may have to withdraw consent....
What he did is NOT what you agreed to
He should never have given you an ultimatum like that. When you told him what happened to you and he realized how vulnerable you were he should've been a friend to you. Or told you he wasn't prepared to handle something that complicated.
Even in the very best light that man was callous, selfish and took advantage of you when you were at a vulnerable time. Running from the past had lead many of us into trouble. All you can do itsa remember everyone makes mistakes and put it behind you. Don't pick up his guilt and his shame and carry it with you. Let him take on his blame. He should've realized you weren't ready for more than friendship.
Working on surviving your past is very hard and you'll want people in your corner. I hope you find better people to surround yourself with.
You made an innocent mistake by agreeing to his ultimatum at a vulnerable time. That's something you can learn from. The life lessons are part of what makes us stronger. You are innocent.
He is guilty of taking advantage of a rape survivor. He will never be able to admit to what happened and be proud of it.
But there may come a day when you can proudly say you've been through some horrible experiences and come out ahead.