Hi :) 

This is my first post on here, and the first time I've talked about this. I was raped over a year ago and I haven't gotten over it like I thought I could. I'm not ready to talk to anyone face to face yet, sort of hoping that this website will help me ease into talking to people about it.

I met a guy at uni who quickly became one of my best friends. In our second year, after a night out, I walked back to his house with him because it was nearer, and we both passed out in his bed, something we had done a hundred times before. I got woken up in the morning to him having sex with me. He had rolled me on to my stomach so he couldn't see that I was awake, and for a while I just stayed still in shock. I hate confrontation, and he can be scary when he's angry so I didn't want to try pushing him away, so I pretended to be asleep and just roll over so he'd have to stop. Instead he just rolled me onto my back, and all I could think about was to not let my face show that I was awake. I tried rolling again and he just grabbed my wrists and pinned them above my head and put all his body weight on me so I couldn't move again. He was kissing my neck and I could feel him smiling like he was so proud of himself for what he was doing. I tried to move my legs around so he couldn't get between them, but he just put more weight on me so I couldn't move at all, I could barely breathe. And then I just gave up, I just led there trying not to cry or let him know that I was awake. Then he finished and went back to sleep, and once I was sure he was asleep I got up and went home.

The problem was that this guy was my best friend, and I loved him to pieces. He's the sweetest guy you'll ever meet, he's the male best friend that every girl loves. And I had a reputation for going on one night stands and getting too drunk and trying stuff that I shouldn't. And all my friends were also his friends, so I didn't tell anyone, I knew that they would never believe me over him. And for some reason I really didn't want him to get into trouble. He wanted to work with children, so a rape accusation could have caused serious problems for his future. So I decided to stay quiet and just get over it, but it was just so hard. I avoided him, didn't reply to texts or snapchats from him, but he doesn't know that I know what happened, he thinks I was asleep the whole time. So he started to ask our friends why I was avoiding him, and they bombarded me questions asking what my problem was, why I was acting like such a bitch, etc. And every time we went on a night out, he was there, trying to talk to me. This went on for three months until we finished uni for the year.

Luckily, he decided to take a year out from uni this year to travel, so I have only had to see him a couple of times this year, which allowed me to calm down a lot. But I'm still not over it, and that scares me a lot. I started seeing a guy a few months back, and it was weird because I wasn't scared to sleep with him, but I couldn't fall asleep with him next to me. And if he tried to cuddle me when I was half asleep I would panic, and get these little flashbacks, and because this guy was friends with the guy who raped me I couldn't tell him why I was acting so weird. We broke up over it in the end, and that's fine. But I need to get over it, I can't live the rest of my life like this. I don't know what to do and I'm so scared. So in addition to trying to talk about it, I'm also looking for advice on how to start feeling normal again.