When I was 11 my mom and sister and I went to my moms uncles house and she went upstairs to the kitchen with her aunt and uncle and my little sister who was only 4 at the time went downstairs with our second cousins in their room they were all around my age and we sat on their bed with them and were watching a movie but suddenly two of our cousins got up and went to the other side of the room which was divided by a blanket which acted as a curtain, and I was left alone with my cousin who was taller and heavier than me, he suddenly said he wanted to try something and he pushed me over and held me down and pressed himself against me and I struggled immediately and started to scream not knowing what he was doing I was so afraid and then he started to grope me and touched me aggresively he started pressing himself against me inbetween my legs and I couldnt get him off I struggled so much and screamed and I could hear my other cousins talking to my sister (they were showing her a puzzle and I feel like they planned this...and I feel so betrayed and I never want my sister to know what happened) eventually he backed off a bit and was trying to take off his pants and boxers and thats when I kicked him in the gut really hard and when he fell back in pain I ran out, picked up my sister and ran upstairs with her in my arms and I was so shocked about what had just happened I literally couldnt talk and I just sat there with my mom who was in deep conversation with her aunt and uncle and my sister and no one noticed how shaken I was I didnt tell anyone until I had moved and was about 15 and I told my mom...she started asking me what I was wearing but I had been in my school uniform that covered absolutely everything...she told me not to tell anyone or my dad and she said she was ashamed of me...and I didnt tell my dad till last year and then I told my boyfriend who I started dating last year and I told him to never ask me to have sex because its not something I could ever be comfortable with and I told him why and a few weeks ago I told my guy friend what happened because he made a comment on my skirt (which is my school uniform) that made me have ptsd and I lost it that day I started crying and shaking so much and a few days ago I went to a pool party with my boyfriend and all the girls there were in their very revealing bathing suits (when i say revealing i mean i dont feel comfortable showing that much skin but i respect that they can and are comfortable in their own skin and honestly i envy that they are and I just want to be confident and not scared to be a girl and wear whatever I want without worrying i will be provocative) basically my boyfriend and two of the girls there were encouraging me to get in my swimsuit and join them in the water but there were more boys there and Im so insecure about showing skin out of fear of being looked at and getting unwanted attention that it took me a long time to put on my one piece swimsuit that covers my chest completely and my swim shorts that are too short for comfort but basically cover what I want covered. The whole time my boyfriend was so sweet and supportive I didnt feel scared and vunerable anymore the rest of the party. I just want to be myself and confident being a girl again comfortable with myself without being scared all the time, I dont have many female friends since I find it incredibly hard to relate to them since I feel something thay made me a girl was stripped away from me and I just want to get better I want to stop feeling tainted and dirty and broken but I dont know how to put this all past me and be normal again I want to be comfortable and be able go outside and not be so anxious and I want to be able to trust people again, thanks for listening and do you have any advice to give me?