15 months ago I was raped. As I wrote that sentence, I know at my core that it's the truth, but to actually write or speak that sentence, I feel like I have to disconnect as though I'm speaking of a fictional event. I don't understand that. This disconnect makes me feel like I can definitely convince myself that it really isn't a real thing that happened. As I wrote it, the little voice in my head was like "but not really." I'm really unsettled by this. Because, two weeks ago, for the first time, I faced the truth of what happened. And I'm just really confused. I don't know how to deal with it. When I acknowledge it truthfully all I can do is shake violently, have panic attacks, cry, or be completely frozen with fear and terror. It feels that it is only when I am disconnected from it emotionally that I can even talk about it. This worries me because I don't know how to talk about it, tell people, or deal with it. I'm afraid that nobody will believe me, because when I try to talk about it I'm so disconnected with it. I can't even take it seriously to actually speak it. When I told my therapist, I actually laughed after I said the sentence. It felt cold and frightening and unsettling.

I want to get better, and I feel like I can't when I either refuse to acknowledge that it happened for real or just freeze and panic. How the hell am I supposed to do anything about it? Or function normally? I'm really freaked out by how disconnected I've become with people. I don't experience empathy anymore. I just can't. I was NEVER like that before. Ever. I feel like I'm ruined. I can't sleep. I have nightmares about it happening over and over and over again. I wake up with horrible panic attacks. So many things set me off. I feel like life got a lot harder when I acknowledged the truth of my situation.

I just don't know what to do. I feel stuck and isolated. I've told my boyfriend and my roommates, aside from my therapist. But I still feel SO alone.