i'm so sorry that that happened to you.....i'm glad that you told your therapist and i think she can help you sort out these feelings.....it's normal to try to deny it or ignore it, because it's something scary and traumatic that happened and no one wants to relive that again.......do you not acknowledge it because you believe it was your fault??? sometimes instead of talking people find it easier to write about it.....i used to have nightmares and the way that i decreased them was to relax before bed and keep myself safe....i have my phone plugged in next to my bed and a whistle next to my bed, too...things will get worse before they get better, and i wish that it was the other way around, but it isn't.....you're not alone...we're here for you....i hope this helped...if you ever wanna talk, please feel free to message me

I know what you mean. To write it I'm fine but to actually say it.... not so much. It's almost like I have to pretend it happened to someone else in order to get those words out. HUGS!! I know it doesn't help but I'm hoping that by knowing you aren't alone you'll feel less alone.

Thank you both for responding. It does help to know that I'm not alone with these feelings. I feel like I'm totally crazy or something. But if other people feel the same then I guess I'm not a weirdo haha...

I have like two separate mindsets. One of them is convinced beyond persuasion that this whole thing is really just a consequence of a couple of my own stupid decisions. The other is like BEING RAPED WHILE YOU ARE COMPLETELY PASSED OUT AFTER YOU EVEN SAID NO BEFORE PASSING OUT IS RAPE. Like the rational voice in my head is like it's SO black and white, and trying to shake me to my senses. But some other stubborn voice in my head is just like yeah well nah ah... because letting this guy come home with you was YOUR mistake, not his. I did nothing to stop him from taking my clothes off. I just don't know. I'm so confused. I think I might have been drugged. At that time I was a pretty "practiced" drinker and could handle my liquor, but something just isn't right about that night. I just can't full wrap my head around it. I remember falling so much. Being so out of it. So not in control of myself. Such fragmented memory. I've never been drunk like that without getting the spins or getting sick, and that night I didn't. It was like it was just being really out of it and not feeling in control of myself. I don't know. Maybe I'm just trying to find a way to place blame instead of accepting my own actions.

Hi iworry. I just created an account to reply to you because I completely relate to what you're saying. I was raped nearly 4 years ago but it took me 2 years to actually realise what happened.

The day after it happened I was fine and I actually enjoyed myself for the rest of the holiday except I had a sinking feeling that I tried to dismiss. I had that feeling for 6 weeks before I realised it wasn't normal but genuinely couldn't figure out why, because I didn't recognise what happened was rape.

Anyway long story short, I went through a horrible time for the next 2 years, but the thing is that even when I did figure out what it was rape, I still would catch myself thinking, no that couldn't be it... and I felt like I was lying. I still get this kind of guilty feeling like I'm lying and playing a victim or something. But I dunno I would like to help if I can because I feel like you're me at an earlier, bad stage. I should say that I am happy and normal again, and feel I have 'come out the other side'.

Also I kind of find support groups like this a bit intimidating because I read people saying they were raped by their mom's boyfriend when they were 12 or something.... and feel like I'm being stupid and insulting to the people who were 'really' raped.

Summerholiday

Thank you.

Your response really means a lot. I completely relate to those feelings. I feel like some women are pulled off the street and raped at gunpoint, or children are victims and I'm just like, well I went to a party and got smashed and danced with a guy and let him come back to my friend's house. So I feel like I don't deserve to be a victim. I could have not went that night. I could have not drank and then been more in control of the situation. It kills me. I feel like I did it to myself. It's so confusing. I feel like I did a couple stupid things and then form there the night went horribly wrong at a point where it was out of my control. It's gut wrenching to think of it that way. And I'm not sure how to deal with that or if it's even productive?

Also, I'm really encouraged that you "came out the other side." Seriously. Because the few people I have told have told me that it will happen and I sincerely don't believe it. I feel like there is a piece of me that is dead inside. Like it's too late to fix that. It's just dead. Oh well.

I don't mean to sound dramatic or depressing. I'd love to hear more about your process of getting through it. Because it's so confusing to me.

iworry,
so sorry I'm only responding now, I had been checking my email thinking I would be notified if you responded.

I know you probably feel like you never will. I remember even when I was 'better', as in when I was feeling relatively normal, that the saying 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' just doesn't apply to rape. Because I felt like, even though I had come through it, that it really just weakened me. But then about a year on, I do feel like it has made me stronger. Actually I feel like I could handle just about anything.

You're wrong that you did it to yourself, you were out having fun like a normal person, and you should continue to do that. It was him that did it so just never forget it.

The thing I think is confusing, is that really it shouldn't be that big a deal in a way - the actual incident. For me it was very quick, and it wasn't that 'out of the ordinary' situation, like being at gunpoint. So it still confuses me that such a seemingly small thing can have SUCH a long stretching effect. But the fact is that it did, and it obviously did for you too. All of that confusion makes it hard to 'legitimise' it and makes it hard to deal with.

So for me, I'm not exactly sure how I got over it, it was a gradual thing, but there were definite 'bursts' of improvement.
The main thing that did it for me in the end was learning to relax. I'm not sure if you're there yet. But do you feel like you're just constantly in panic mode, like you're just trying to keep your head above water? That's how I felt and i felt like I had to keep trying trying trying to get better- I'm not sure what I was afraid would happen, like I would go crazy or something. You should try mindfulness meditation I found that really helpful. I can explain my whole trajectory of my experience after if you would find that helpful.

You will get through it. You're trying to obviously because you're on here and you should be commended for that so well done. It will take time but you will be normal again and probably even better than before, because you will appreciate every second that you don't feel like the way you do now.

Btw I was reading what you wrote there again and I had to keep checking whether it was your comment or mine! Really I just completely relate. You're not alone. xx

I completely relate to this. After I was raped I very successfully blocked it out and went into complete denial that anything had actually happened. Anyone who talked to me even the next day probably weren't able to tell anything was wrong. I just couldn't acknowledge the reality of it and I went on like that for 5 1/2 years until about 6 months ago when I ran into the man who raped me at the store. It was horrible, he acted as though it never happened and even tried to have a conversation with me and thats when it all hit me at once and I remembered it so clearly for the first time since it happened. Over the past few months I've had flashbacks and nightmares every night and cant go a day without thinking about it, it feels like it just happened all over again.
I totally related to you saying you laughed when you told your therapist too, I thought it was just me but when I get very uncomfortable I smile and when I tried talking with my counselor about it the other day she was like why are you smiling? and I realized its because not only did it make me so uncomfortable to talk about but because I was trying really hard to emotionally detach from what I was telling her, almost as if it had happened to someone else, because if I fully acknolwedge it I will completely fall apart in her office and I don't want that to happen. I still can't bring myself to say the word "raped" outloud, I just kept hinting at it until my counselor understood what I was trying to say.

Thanks for your responses again guys.

It sounds silly, but there's something about really KNOWING that other people legitimately understand and have gone through the same thing and feel the same way that helps more than anything else. My boyfriend and mother are being so kind and helpful to me but I still don't feel like they will ever really understand so it still makes me feel isolated. It makes me feel slightly less isolated when you guys respond and make me feel like I'm not crazy!

I feel the same hearing you actually because I never really met anyone who seemed to have gone through something so similar. Can I ask, did you realise straight away that it was the incident that made you feel that way?

For me I didn't realise. I was feeling crazy for so long afterwards but I didn't have any idea why! It was only about 2 years after that I figured it out in therapy and then started healing.

@summerholiday

You know... I can't really explain for sure. I had really negative "red flag"issues/feelings/behaviors for quite a few months directly after the incident. But I really, seriously refused to view it truthfully until over a year had passed. I had actually been listening to a podcast about the depth and meaning of sex, and it was like it just hit me in the face... Like being forced to define sex made me realize that that wasn't sex. And then it all blew up in my face immediately after. I basically just fell apart once I was honest with myself about being raped.

Sometimes it takes a while to sink in. Once my rape had sunken in I was physically in pain and actually went to the doctors because I was seriously ill in my stomach. I remember feeling like there was pain in my stomach and I was crying out leave me alone as if someone was there attacking me. I froze and basically disconnected when it happened so I have bits and pieces of memory only. Even 21 yrs later it's still in pieces. It's completely normal to feel numb and have loss of sleep. What you're feeling is completely normal and I understand. It's going to be OK. My psychotherapist had me write all my thoughts and feeling's down and then imagine a peaceful place whenever I was feeling anxiety or depression from the event. I learned alot about meditation and to be in the here and now.

Wow, just....wow. I can't thank you enough for posting this. I was raped about 10 years ago and have been in such denial about it that I'm just now coming to terms with it. I numbed myself to the situation because, I too, had said no several times but decided to sleep at his house because we had been drinking. He was a "friend", I thought nothing of staying over. He knew I didn't want to, he knew I was on my period and not comfortable doing sexual things at that time. I told him no. And then I passed out. When I woke up, it was from pain. Extreme pain, he had finished with my front and was trying for the back.

I also told myself that it wasn't "really" rape because he hadn't attacked me, he hadn't held a gun to my head or a knife to my throat. He just took what he wanted while I was asleep. And even though I reported it, It took me years to realize that it's STILL rape. I can totally relate to your experience and want to thank you again for posting it!

Bet you didn't realize you'd be helping others by talking about it, did ya? :)