because it is such a hard thing to face that we feel in some way responsible
human nature to do that
if you take out the emotion it is logical that no one can make someone behave in that way so no matter what u did or didnt do he is still to blame for his actions

Self blame is a societal side-effect to what happened. It is leaked into our brains from what we read, what we hear, what we see when the "system" continually fails the victims of violent crime, and "rewards" perpetrators with vindication. We find blame in almost every facet of the rape recovery process.

If we didn't scream...we are guilty of "wanting it". If we did scream...why wasn't it louder? If we didn't fight...we "let" it happen. If we fought...why wasn't I stronger? If we were on a street alone...knew the person (or thought we did)...why didn't we "see"?

Way back when, I wrote a post about self-blame. It was prompted by a young woman here who had been beating herself up for having taken a drink of alcohol. If alcohol consumption caused rape, then the numbers of rapes would sky-rocket...alcohol isn't to blame.

Do you admit rape is a crime? Think before you answer. Don't just go, "Well, duh! Of course it is a crime!" And don't try to see where this is headed -- just answer for yourself, if you believe rape is a criminal act.

Now, I will assume you and I agree rape is most certainly a criminal act. So based on that fact...not opinion -- FACT, let's take it one step farther. What does it take to make up a crime? I know of two main ingredients to a crime -- a perpetrator (criminal), and a victim (one who suffers loss).

Now then, if we agree a crime is an illegal action perpetrated against an innocent...and, we MUST conclude that, because...crime is perpetrated against victims, and victims are not responsible for the crime -- no matter what. I mean, can you actually see a purse snatcher, caught red-handed...purse in possession winning the argument, "But Officer...it isn't MY fault, she had it out there in plain sight! Who wouldn't take it?" No. That person would be charged, and convicted without so much as a bead of sweat forming on a lawyers brow.

So, we have a crime -- rape. We have a criminal -- the rapist. And, in order to complete the scenario of a criminal act -- we have the victim.

Where in the scenario do you fit?

Oh, and when you break down you particular rape...list them. List the things you believe you are responsible for. Post them if you can...and I can guarantee you two things.

1) Not one thing you list will be an original idea, because we all have a similar list that we visit from time to time. And,

2) Not one thing that you list cannot be challenged and followed to some point of beginning...something from your past...an idea you were spoonfed at some point...simple misconception, but not one thing you believe links you to guilt is justified.

If you have read these posts, day after day you will see the, "I know that...BUT..." It is that rhythm of thought that keeps us bound, and I am guilty of it too, we all are. If we could justify rape, would we?

I said, IF WE COULD JUSTIFY RAPE - WOULD WE?

We do it everyday. We fail to recognize, or to legitimitaly accept, on our own behalf, that rape is not a thing we would participate in, and it is not a thing we read posts and determine how..."Oh yeah, she is sooo right! If she had only done it differently, she's be blame-free!" Not once have I thought that of anyone here, but...well, maybe one -- me.

This may not be helpful. I know it is the toughest thing I have ever tried to come to grips with...and I was 12 when I was gang-raped. So, you might say, "Oh...that one is so easy to see..no way can a 12 year-old be responsible for rape". But, I have journal upon journal where I challenge that statement to my own detriment.

If I could erase for us all, the single element of self-blame, we would see far fewer here on these boards. Not because rape would cease to occur, but because we would see a system change. We believe it first -- our own guilt. If WE see ourselves as guilty, how then can we expect a system to see us any differently? We need to fight for the love and approval and acceptance of US -- BY US.

Be gentle with yourself. Rape can't happen without a criminal. It simply cannot.

Oh, and...as much as we might try to convince ourselves that something we did caused him to do it -- we cannot, we simply do not have that kind of power over another human soul.

Bless you....bless us all.

I fully agree with everything Mockingbird has said.

I'm just going to put a slightly different perspective on it:

After some traumatic events, say for example a road accident, it's natural to play everything out again in your mind. "What exactly happened? Could I have done anything differently? Did I lose concentration at the wrong moment?"
That might be a healthy survival response in some cases, if we can use it as a learning experience and stop another accident happening in the future.

The only trouble with rape or other serious crimes however is that this logic falls down - as Mockingbird has said, we simply don't have the power to control another person's actions.
That doesn't stop the survival part of our brains from re-playing it all over, and trying to imagine we could take control if it ever happened again. I still do it myself, even though I know it's a futile exercise.

I just see self-blame as being the flip-side of this natural instinct to protect ourselves .................... after all if it were that easy to take control, then that must mean we weren't clever enough or strong enough last time round, or so the internal logic tries to tell us.

Simply telling myself that it's futile won't automatically stop that cycle of control/self-blame, but at least when I catch myself doing it I can understand what it's all about - that helps me put things back into perspective again.

The rapist knew what he was going to do and you didn't so how could you have avoided what you didn't know was going to happen. Then fear and numbness takes over once you are in the situation. What would have changed if you had done all those things that you wish you had done? No rape? Dead maybe? Your wishes do not concern to the rapist and most likely he would have had no interest in you if you had been willing because he enjoys rape not sex.
We learn our lesson and become less trustful so that we can avoid the same thing happening again.

I agree with what other poster here have said. For me I think the hardest bit about the rape is feeling helpless and if I can blame myself then that means I wasn't helpless, I had some control. BUT it is just a fantasy of control and yet it is hard to let go of because the alternative is that I was overpowered and violated by another person and in that moment there was nothing i could do about it, I wasn't in control. Not a very nice alternative but I guess that is what we are all here trying to get to grips with

"We learn our lesson..."

Learning how to detect untrustworthy people as quickly as possible is a very important survival skill in all areas of life - business as much as sex.

HOWEVER, blaming our trust of others for the rape, is just one more kind of useless and self-destructive self-blame. Trusting others is what makes us human and allows us to form bonds. If trust caused rape, then every man, woman, and child would be raped.

Unfortunately, being less trustful will not protect us from future rape any more than it caused rape in the first place. I was raped by a complete stranger who forced his way into my car. It had nothing to do with being more or less trustful. As a child I witnessed an attempted rape. The attempt was made in part because the would-be rapist was enraged by the victim's _refusal_ to trust.

The normal and healthy human reaction to trust is a sense of responsibility. If someone trusts us, most of us know to be more careful with the other person's boundaries and needs, rather than less.

When a rapist does use trust to gain the access they need to initiate the rape, they are usually well aware of our human need to trust and connect. They use that awareness to _intentionally_ convert trust into a tool to manipulate. Trust didn't cause the rape anymore than being drunk or having a condom in our purse or taking a shower or anything else we can come up with. The rape was caused by the rapist's _choice_ to use trust as a weapon rather than as a way to build a consensual relationship.

I don't know why we have such a need to blame ourselves. Often when we do something hurtful to ourselves over and over, somewhere inside we believe we are protecting ourselves from an even greater hurt. Perhaps we can stop if we are willing to name and work through that greater hurt?