its been a year and a half since i was raped and i finally told people  about being raped.  

it actually happened (me telling people) on thursday.  Early thursday morning i went to my doctors  for a wellness check and i had an axiety attack, they wanted to give me medication and i said no, they wouldnt let me leave. because i was so upset... after a while i was good and left.

i got to the parent - teacher conference i had to attend, my co teacher was leading it.  i started tearing up, and couldnt hold it together. The conference was finally over and the mom asked "you okay?"

and then i said this stays here: they both agreed and i said "a year and a half ago I was raped." both of their mouths dropped open and I walked out of the room.  and came back in a couple of minutes later... 

they both hugged me and i told them that that wasnt the worst but that he had gotten me pregnant as well. but i had a miscarriage. 

we all talked for about a half hour and i felt better after but then friday morning the good feeling went away. 

friday i had panix attacks and hyterical crying. not sure why and saturday (today) was also bad.  my emotions are all over the place but i think its because i dont have the support i need. 

everyone i told that day said i could call them and i appricate that.  some of them have been raped or have dealt with being molested as a kid and getbmy emotions.

The ladies who  havent been through it have not gotten my emotions, one sent me the following message:

”Well you have to decide you want to change and put this behind you and move forward. It is something awful that happened but it is done and today is a new day. Give yourself 20 minutes a day to think about the past but only 20!minutes. The rest of your needs to be focused on the here and now and improving yourself. Positive affirmations, exercise, meal planning, a hobby etc. be strong. You might have to fake it at first, but soon you will feel stronger.”

And I replied ...

“There’s so much more to it than taking 30 minutes a day.  Right now it’s part of my life and I was fine dealing with it my way until the last month and then telling people, it has just made it a lot worse.  They said if I talked about it I would feel better and it doesn’t, it just brings back more memories I didn’t even know I had.”

shes now pissed and won’t say anything back. 

I get get that I need to move on but how can Move on if I for one didn’t deal it for the past year I pushed it down and ignored my feelings and told no one.  

And now all of a sudden everyone is happy I shared and they think I’m all of a sudden healed.  

Why do I feel so shitty then!?!?! 

I have some very intense memories and emotions going on right now and everyone seems to think that it’s strange but really? I haven’t told my mom and can’t, I can’t tell my family,  I haven’t told friends,  I told strangers.  Oh yeah and I never went to counseling.  I’m stuck with all these emotions and I feel like I’m going crazy. 

Anyone else feel this way after sharing about your abuse?