I have a long history of just ignoring traumatic events. As a child, I was sexually abused by my moms boyfriend. My mom also physical and emotionally abused me and my brothers as well as majorly neglected us. Leaving us alone for days on end. My entire child/teenhood was spent pretending everything was okay. When i moved out, i started to deal with the reprecussions of how i was raised. This is something i talk about with my friends and my therapist. this is something i can point to and say that was not my fault. But one event that happned four years ago, i can't do the same. I've been in denial.

One evening, i took different prescription pain killers as i had hurt my back at work, and i mixed ones i should not have. I became very sleepy and losing my balance. My roommate convinced me to go sit outside with her, her boyfriend and his friend. I was falling asleep on the deck. She suggested I try smoking marijuana to help with my back. So i smoked abit. Then i laid down on my deck. My roommate woke me up some time later and helped me into bed. I fell asleep. When i became consious, my roommates boyfriends friend was on top of me, in me. I remembered trying to tell him to stop. I don't know if sound actually came out. Then i drifted out of consciousness. My friend woke me up in the morning and said she saw him leaving my room. I told her what happened and she told me when she put me to bed, he said he would sleep in my bed with me but she told him no and that he could sleep on the couch or leave. And he went to the couch. 

He went around telling people i slept with him. I had several different people coming up to me, propositioning me becasue of it. I didn't know what to say or do, so i said nothing. I never told anyone. In the last year, with more awareness of sexual assault being out there, i started to think about it. and see it in that light instead of a mistake i made. I also felt that i put myself in that situation, so it couldn't really be rape. But then i started to think about stories i've read where girls are unconsious due to drinking, and in my mind, that's clear as day a case of rape. Anyways, i told a guy i had been dating last week. i didn't use the word rape because of what that implicates. And is response was that he was glad i didn't say i was raped because it wasn't that, i put myself in that situation. needless to say, i dumped him then and there. It not an ideal response. I lived in guilt for years. And i opened up to the first person besides my former roommates, about it and i get shut down. it doesn't inspire much confidence in how others will respond if i tell them..

I'm a huge fanof raising awareness for mental health, and i wish i could for this cause as well, but i am not strong enough to even tell my therapist about it. I no longer talk to my former roommate, so i feel like i could just ignore it, and no one would even need to know. It frustrates me so much that i think this way.I am a huge advocate for feminism. To reclaiming our power, but i feel like a hypocrite.