Rape Support Group
If you or someone you know has been the victim of rape, this is the place to find support and get advice. If you want, discuss your experience, share your feelings, and meet others going through a similar situation.
I am really struggling with this. I was raped again just recently. Every time I yelled no, cried and begged. I still cant talk about all the details and this time has really hit me hard and I dont know what to do. When he last attacked me, I said yes. I've always said no, it has been my one thing he couldnt take from me. I dont know why I said yes. I think I was finally tired of the violence and just wanted the physical pain to stop. He kept yelling at me, telling me to say yes and that it was ok for him to do what he wanted. I hate to write that because there is no excuses for me agreeing to it. I feel so guilty and I feel awful now because I dont think I should be upset since I had ok-ed it. I feel like now, and every time in the past, all the attacks are justified. Am I wrong? Because I feel like its now just as much my fault as it is his and I feel like I shouldnt be upset about the attacks anymore, or shouldnt be making a big deal out of it.
You did not consent in the past attacks and you did not consent in this one.
What you are feeling right now is likely related to a phenomenon called "cognitive dissonance". Basically it means we need to see ourselves as consistent human beings. If we feel forced or obligated to do something against our desire and beliefs, we will try to shift our beliefs in the direction of what we were forced to do, even if there is no real reason for the shift.
For example, in one study several years ago students were asked to write an essay in favor of something they disagreed with. Some students were paid money and some were not.
When the students' opinions were tested later, the ones who wrote essays without pay had changed their opinion more than the ones who could say that they were doing it just for the money.
Making you say "yes" is a little like making you write an essay sayng "why I like to be raped". Since you got nothing but pain in return, you may be trying to convince yourself that you actually agree with this essay even though you don't.
In reality, this was just his way of trying to hide from his guilt. He imagines to himself that if he hears yes he isn't to blame. Remember those movies where the bully takes the scrawny kids are and punches the kid with his own arm? That is what this guy is trying to do to you.
DON'T LET HIM SHIFT THE BLAME.
You are not at fault.
Sometimes people who have been raped continue contact with the rapist. Sometimes they just hope the next time will be different. Sometimes they are trying to figure out what they did wrong the last time. Sometimes they just can't believe that it really happened or they say, "except for this one thing....". Sometimes, they know everyone in their social circle would feel like they had to take sides. Sometimes they fear when people do take sides, they will be left alone with everyone hating them.
Whatever your reasons, please give the issue some thought and try to get some distance from this person. It will be very hard to heal from this until you do, especially since he has hurt you multiple times and is using psychological as well as physical attacks.
I know it isn't always easy to get distance, especially if you have common friends or have to go to school administration or the police, but you need to heal and you need to be as safe as possible. NO ONE has a right to treat you this way, no matter how nice they are at other times. You DO NOT have to tolerate this. This is NOT the way things are meant to be.
This guy clearly has a pattern of abusive behavior and his insistence on your saying yes, reflects an escalation of violence and disregard for your person, not your willingness to go along.
I know there are many women here who have had abusive acquaintances or intimate partners. Hopefully some of them will speak up and share their experiences and wisdom. I was raped by a total stranger, or I'd gladly share my own experiences.
*Virtual hugs*
SB
Hugs,
B