I just wanted to tell you that I GET IT. I am the same way. I can't enjoy sex unless I am fantasizing about something violent.

this doesn't make us sluts or whores.

I have read theories that say women who've been sexually abused are more likely to have these fetishes.

I consider them fetishes and kinks and I try not to be too hard on myself for them.

But I want to be able to... you know, ENJOY, without thinking of such awful things.

sometimes my fantasies leave me feeling sad and ashamed afterward.

i feel the same...i dont know why....i often thought maybe there is something wrong with me....for this i have no answer i am working on it...however....WE R NOT SLUTS OR WHORES!!! maybe its just that since i was raped and thats how i lost my virginity i dont know any other way....i just know this i am no slut or whore...and yes to me when a guy is not attractive to me its better cuz no ties. keep ur head up!!! Stay strong!!!! blessed be!

I'm going to raise my hand to be counted on this one as well. For me, it's more a matter of feeling like that's how it's SUPPOSED to be - like rough is what I should get or enjoy or deserve or whatever, than the only way I can really enjoy it. I do notice that I'm more apt to have fun or sleep with a guy if I'm not too terribly interested in him or if I have that gut feeling that he's not a nice guy or it won't last.

I was a slut before it happened but I think that was because I was always looking for "Mr. Right" and thought I had found him everytime. Now though I do not even flirt with men so I do not understand the rough sex thing as I always used to imagine sex as being a gentle and loving thing. So if you are wondering why I joined this discussion it is because I think you are really brave to talk so openly about this topic and I suppose in a way I am jealous because I am not getting any!

I was a slut before it happened but I think that was because I was always looking for "Mr. Right" and thought I had found him everytime. Now though I do not even flirt with men so I do not understand the rough sex thing as I always used to imagine sex as being a gentle and loving thing. So if you are wondering why I joined this discussion it is because I think you are really brave to talk so openly about this topic and I suppose in a way I am jealous because I am not getting any!

I was a slut before it happened but I think that was because I was always looking for "Mr. Right" and thought I had found him everytime. Now though I do not even flirt with men so I do not understand the rough sex thing as I always used to imagine sex as being a gentle and loving thing. So if you are wondering why I joined this discussion it is because I think you are really brave to talk so openly about this topic and I suppose in a way I am jealous because I am not getting any!

Me too. But through the years I have found a happy medium, and a wonderful husband that even though he could never feel what I have felt, he understands my hurt, my flashbacks, and my sexual energy. There are times that he lets me be "rough" and times he tells me to chill, does this make us sluts or whores? I think not. Do I think that this is because of being raped when I was 13 years old, in a way yes, but I will never know what would have happened or how I would have felt had I not been.

i've been actively involved with bdsm for about 5 years. i have all sorts of kinks and fetishes. some of the roleplays i've been a part of and enjoyed might be triggering to some of the people on this site so i won't repeat them. i also enjoy rough sex very much.

i will definitely say since i was raped 3 years ago, that there have been times when i've felt guilty about this. to still fantasize this way despite the things i've been through. it doesn't change the fact that i can separate fantasy and reality. what happened to me was rape.

my view on this is that it doesn't necessarily mean that just because someone is into kink or fetish that they are a victim of abuse. but like "snowcanwait" said...women who have been assaulted/abuse DO tend to develop these types of sexual proclivities.

there is nothing wrong with having a strong sexual appetite (Before or after sexual assault) i swore that i was not going to let what that bastard did to me ruin sexual enjoyment for the rest of my life.

in addition i would have to say...sometimes it is easier to have sex with someone in a rough way...than it is in a 'sweet making love' way. sometimes that actually hurts more.

i'm not infallible. i do question myself from time to time...but then i realize that i want to have sex the way i want it...and i don't have to apologize for it

I don't know the answer, but here is a guess.

Trauma survivors often have what is called "emotional numbing". It is a defense mechanism that causes your emotions to just shut down. As a result, sometimes it is difficult to feel emotions like love and tenderness. The emotional numbing can be seemingly spontaneous or can be triggered by things that remind you of your trauma - like being intimate.

To overcome this emotional numbing, some people seek more extreme experiences in an effort to feel anything at all. It doesn't mean that you are a slut or a whore, it is a normal reaction to trauma and PTSD.

Two things come to mind. First, if you really do enjoy rough sex, there is nothing wrong with that. Just always be sure to communicate with your partner as to what the boundaries are so that you are not hurt either physically or emotionally. Second, the fact that you are asking this question makes me think that you maybe aren't really enjoying it and are engaging in rough sex as a compulsion rather than for your pleasure. My own struggles with this are discussed in "Resurrection After Rape." I used violent sex as a form of self-injury just as some people cut or take drugs or drink to excess. I had gotten to the point where I was not able to have sex with anyone I cared about. My boyfriend's gentle touch literally made me vomit. Yet I would seek out men on the internet willing to degrade and hurt me and there was no shortage of such men. My sense of self-worth was so low that any sexual contact that did not validate my feelings of worthlessness was physically and emotionally uncomfortable. One day, I realized that if I didn't stop, I would probably end up dead because of the extreme violence involved in what I was doing. So, I stopped and promised myself that I was not going to have sex again until I felt good enough about myself to know what it was I really wanted. In other words, I wanted to make the decision about what kind of sex was right for me rather than letting the trauma I had experienced make the decisions for me.

Please understand that I am NOT saying that your experience is the same as mine or that what you are doing is wrong. What I am saying is that using sex as a form of self-injury is not healthy and if that is part of what is going on, you need to examine what it is about what you are feeling (or not feeling, as chynablue so aptly discussed) that makes you want to hurt yourself. Please take care of yourself and if you want to talk more about this, feel free to send me a message.

i am very glad to have found this discussion, i'm having the sam problem with myself right now. i was taken advantage of a number of times by different people, it started when i was very young, and at the time i had no other sexual experiences that i had consented to-i was abused before i lost my consensual virginity, and after...
Over the last year and a half or so i've figured out i'm very submissive and am not satisfied in bed unless it's extremely rough, and i've had my partner even do things to me that were done forcefully, but when he did them i liked them.
I think it's a consent thing, If someone takes the control away from you it's not good, but if you willingly give up control of yourself to someone it's very different.