I had suppressed what happened for fourteen years. Over the last six weeks in a slow and bizarre manner everything is making me remember: from a movie, to election debates, to my husband accidently triggering a flashback. My husband never knew until two weeks ago, when I had to explain why I kicked the sunshine out of him in bed. It happened before I got married, I did not tell him because I did not want him to not want me. I was in the military and told it was training. I told no one until recently. Is this what we all go through? Should I have done this fourteen years ago? I felt the whole weight of the world lift from my shoulders when I started telling family and friends, yet I now have one billion little worlds pelting me. I am getting more bitter and angry every day. Now everything I am is NOT because I wanted it to be that way, but because of what happened. The more I talk about it the more I am pointed out why I am. My life is not my own. All I keep hearing is - you know thats probably because you were .. From not wanting anesthesia (loss of control), not being able to breath around diesel fumes (it happened in and around a HMMWV ? diesel), getting a black belt in martial arts, and getting a concealed hand gun. All of my life was subconsciously preordained by an A** Hole fourteen years ago. My physiologist helped with the flashback, but I can not seem to get away from the one billion awake flashes of what happened. I can hear him say good job soldier over fifty times a day, I have a cast iron stomach and through up at work when a coworker relieved me singing cadences. I was at the mall getting glasses for my daughter and wanted to confront two Marines in uniform to tell them I hate them, and I was in the Army. Im just rambling now. I took off from work for ten days to sort it out, that helped for ten days. I do not know where to go now. The crisis center I went to seemed to be more for recent events only. Is there anyone out there like me? I just want the what ifs to stop. I want to feel like I did not waste fourteen years, just to wakeup now in a bitter bad place. Im known for being the backbone, helper, and joker at work now its whats wrong with you?