Hi, I wasn't depressed but just felt anxious and kind of, I don't know, confused. I was so very thankful to be alive but felt a little fragile. I also felt like my confidence took a hit.

I think it's just trying to reconcile all the emotions during recovery. I remember going back to work and a coworker asked me, so do you now have a whole new outlook on life after such a serious health crisis. I said, not really. And that made me so sad at the time to say that because I thought, well why not? What's wrong with me? I started to understand though as time went on, that it wasn't sad; it's that life is far more complicated than that. People are more complicated than that. The answer was that I was grateful, scared, happy, unsure, agitated, frustrated all at the same time. And it was normal.

For me, seeing a counselor about a month or so after my PE really helped me sort things out and get some clarity, and it really helped me get a handle on my anxiety. It truly was the best thing I did for myself.

I would suggest reaching out to your do or a therapist and talk about what's going on with you. It's definitely not something you just need to tolerate. Take control.

Everyone handles depression and anxiety in different ways. I have always suffered from depression, but when I was faced with the life and death situation of having DVT/PE, I was scared of death. I also have some form of post traumatic stress from my DVT/PE and two accidents I had on the icy roads in Michigan in 2008/2011. There are times I get residual chest pains and freak out and almost hyperventilate. I just try and bury, or push these feelings away and that usually keeps the anxiety at bay. I don't take anything for my anxiety because I am already on pain meds - hooked on them, and I don't need any other pills that will make me dependent.

I think it is quite normal to feel some trauma after a major medical event. After all, you're not a machine. Sometimes as RMB has said in the past "there is peace in surrender!" You have to surrender your fears to the fact that you are now on blood thinners and most of the danger is in your past. If you continue to struggle maybe you can talk to a therapist, or take a low dose anxiety med. You made it through! You are a survivor. We are the lucky ones. You are here for a reason. Just try and keep that in mind. I hope you feel better!Hugs!

I was going to add that I also need to talk to someone about my mobility issues and other stuff I'm embarrassed to bring up my depression and anxiety with my Primary Care Doc. I don't wan anyone by a therapist or psychologist to be up in my mental business. Some of my posts on here are dramatic because I use these forums as a release when I should be seeing a therapist. I hope you feel better soon!

Thank you rmb and jeremy 1999. I appreciate your replies. I, too, feel like people expect me to have this new rosy outlook and be Little Miss Sunshine all the time, but I just can't. I saw a therapist, but she had no suggestions for me regarding my anxiety issue. My doc wants me to try someone else. My confidence is gone. I have had memory issues since starting the warfarin, gained some weight due to my initial mobility issues that now I cannot lose, but don't have a lot of stamina to exercise more than a little.

Many people have told me I am here for a reason, but I can't figure out what that reason is and I feel like a failure for not having some great epiphany about the purpose of my life and feel so guilty for not being more thankful that I'm alive.

I think I'll probably try what my PCP recommends, but I still think the docs don't get it. I don't think they have a good grasp on what a patient experiences after an experience such as ours.

Thank you again for your replies and suggestions. They are appreciated.

I went through similar feelings immediately after discharge. It's such a dazed and confused feeling to be treated like the fragile, priceless heirloom and then to be thrown back into life with such minimal guidance and support like everything is just fine. The fear of the future can be overwhelming. I remember just crying my eyes out thinking that my son (3 years old at the time of my PE) would have to grow up without me. I still think about it occasionally and get scared but I push it out of my mind.

I was fortunate to have been seeing a therapist for my anxiety disorder for years before I clotted. I was able to really pour out my feelings to him. He validated my feelings which allowed me to accept them and be ok with the ways I was feeling.

I wouldn't doubt for a second you have PTSD. It's traumatizing to go through something like this! Keep pursuing new therapists and/or psychiatrists because some antidepressants may be needed. But fight, always fight for help because your life is worth it!

I had brain fog for the first six months when I started Warfarin, but it seems to be less noticeably now. I used to have to stop and think about every step I was doing when cooking and things like that. The fatigue and mental/brain fog will get better as your body adjusts to your therapeutic dose of Warfarin. Hang in there, it gets better as time goes by.

After my PE I was so scared and confused. In the first month I used to cry a lot because I could not believe that my body had let me down in that harsh, unexpected way. Before the PE I was really fit, running a lot, eating healthy, etc., and I could not accept that I had to bear so much pain and had to depend on pills to "be safe".

It eventually got a lot better, especially when I was feeling well enough to receive visits (my pain was so sever that I was put on some kind of morphine for over one month), be able to resume some hobbies and go out a little bit.

Going back to work helped too. I could start getting my mind off from all the health issues and focus on other things. I also got the same question that rmb was asked. And I also felt the same.

I think it's normal to experience such an emotional rollercoaster after a PE. Perhaps you should see a therapist for some time, I am sure he/she can help you out.

Good luck!

I agree on going back to work. It was a nice diversion, even though I was exhausted. I was glad I decided to go back fairly soon after getting out the hospital.

I know not everyone will agree with this, but I'm kind of a pragmatic person and so I generally think this whole business about things happen for a reason or we survived for a reason is sham, and I don't know why people feel compelled to tell us we're here for a reason. How the hell do they know?

Things happen because things happen to EVERYONE. With the PE, it's very simple to me: some people survive and some people die and for some of us, it was just truly a matter of us getting to the ER fast enough or having an astute doctor or just that we got lucky. That's it. There's no meaning to that unless we assign meaning. I choose not to assign meaning because I just don't believe there's a meaning. It's the same reason I can't explain why bad things happen to anyone. So I'd not put that kind pressure on yourself to find meaning if you can't. And I'd certainly not pressure yourself to feeling you somehow have to find this higher purpose. I mean, why can't we just say, this happened to us, we lived, and now we go on. Period. I certainly appreciate how quickly life can change since the clot, how none of us knows when we'll die, no matter how healthy or athletic or whatever else we think prevents us from illness, tragedy, etc. My PE was seven years ago, and I'm still thankful every day for my life, literally. I mean, everyday, I just take a second to be mindful of that even if for a second. Doesn't mean I'm happy all the time, that I'm still not ornery or irritated with things.Doesn't mean I'm perfect. It just means that during the course of my normal day, no matter what's going on, I'm thankful I'm still here.

I do really feel that there is peace in surrender rather than fighting your emotions or this stress over what you think you should feel or should be doing.

Please find another therapist. I think your doctor is correct in recommending that. It's not unusual to have to change therapists to find the right fit. Also there are therapists who specialize in PTSD or dealing with a serious health issues. Therapy is kind of a process and it feels often like it's going nowhere but then things start falling into place. It's not a magic potion; it requires work on our part too. So just be open to that. I mean, what do you have to lose, right?

Good advice, as always rmb. In my work, I work with members of the religious, so there is a lot of the "God saved you for a reason" said to me very often, which really does not help my frame of mind. One religious sister said that all of the right things happened on the day I almost died, that people were in the right place at the right time to save me, which is true. Then she said, "God sent them", to which I felt compelled to ask "well who sent sent the clots?" She couldn't answer, because, like you, I don't think there is an answer. And, while I do think there are lessons to be learned from this, I don't think that I was spared because I have some higher purpose. I just can't stand when people say that because it does make me feel guilty. But that's on me. I have to work on my mindset and not take on other people's expectations of me. I do know exactly what I want to work on. I just need a therapist who is willing to guide me and understand the crazy, shifting emotions that I am experiencing. I have decided I will not oppose medication, if that is what I need. Also adding to my depression, I believe that I have entered menopause. I had an emergency uterine artery embolization done at the same time my IVF was implanted. It's not uncommon for early menopause after that and I think it is happening. And, obviously, I cannot take any type of hormonal treatment for symptoms. That worry is kind of adding to my depression.

Thanks for always having positive and practical advice. Your words have been very helpful to me.

I know I'm late to the party, but I want to echo everyone else's advice, especially that about seeing a therapist.

I battled severe depression a number of years ago after the end of relationship. I was on and off meds, and saw a number of different therapists. Finding the right therapist can be like dating. You won't click with everyone, but it is SO, SO worth it to find someone who can really help you work through this. I think it would really help you move forward and past this. I think the most successful treatment is usually a combination of meds and talk therapy, but it is important that you do only what you feel comfortable with.

You might also consider journaling. I'm a list-maker and sometimes it helps me to just write stuff down. I feel like I can get it out of my head and stop worrying about it. I have it written down if I need to go back to it later. For you, maybe just getting your emotions out on paper and maybe make a point of listing 1-2 things that you're thankful for.

Also, I know with depression, it often feels like you're encased in clay, just moving slowly and unable to get anything done. It'll be easier for you to not do anything, but really do try to get something tiny done every day, even if you just look up the number for a new therapist on day one, call on day two, look up directions to the office on day three, etc.

It really is a fallacy that this kind of event will effect everyone the same way and that we'll all come out feeling revitalized and ready to find our "purpose" in life. Sometimes, these things just happen and you're stuck with trying to sort it all out and get through it. You can do this, for sure, but no guarantees that there will be any epiphanies on the way. I can only imagine how frustrating it is to hear, over and over, "well, you survived for a reason." Like anyone really knows?

Hang in there! If you can, make a point to be open with people about your emotional struggles. You might be surprised at who comes out of the woodwork offering support... there are more people out there going through what you're going through than you might think.

Hang in there! Keep us posted on how you are doing.

lppgh, I started going through perimenopause after my PE. Actually it was a couple of years after that, but since I'd been off the pill after my PEs, I had so much more PMS and hormone fluctuations and it seemed to heighten everything. Things get really confusing when there's all kind of stuff going on at once and I think it amps up the emotions and anxiety.

I think people say things like god caused this or that because it's a way to explain the unexplainable, to assign meaning to scary and horrible things. It's a comfort to them really. But it strange to me, because I'm thinking, how is it comforting that you believe in a god who doles out death and illness? But that's a whole other discussion I probably shouldn't get into here. Bottom line, for me, I'm comfortable in there being no explanation and just learning about myself through the process.

Don't take too hard what others saying. I think they mean well. But I totally get wanting to say, oh, shut it; you have no idea what you're talking about. I had an experience shortly after my PE where it just irritated me so much. I have a friend who's husband, a nice of guy, is really into this whole near death experience business. He actually called me to talk about it because I'd emailed his wife about what had happened to me, that I was very lucky to survive, etc. Anyway, he says, so you almost died? I said I collapsed on the sidewalk and actually thought I was dying, but fortunately woke back up and was able to get to the house. He said so when you collapsed were you out cold and I said yeah, and he said, did you see a white light and were you floating about yourself and I said no, I was just out and then I wasn't out. And he sounded so disappointed when he said to me," oh, that's not a near death experience." I said I didn't say I had a near death experience. I said I thought I died, and when I was rushed by ambulance to the ER, I was critically ill and would have likely died had I not had thrombosis treatment. And then he's debating me what it is to almost die and that's when I said, stop, because you have no idea what you're talking about. I was just so irritated with him. It's this weird stuff people feel compelled to say to you because they're either searching for meaning themselves or they're uncomfortable or they're just kind of careless. I know this guy is just searching for spirituality and belief in something. My thinking was and still is, hey, do that on your own time, pal.

You sound very solid in who you are and what you want, and I tell you, that's half the battle. Good on you for that! And I totally am on board that timing is everything. I felt that was the same with me, that had anything even gone slightly different the day I'd not be here. But we are here and that is GOOD. They whys and hows and what's next... doesn't matter.

You hang in there!