Pseudotumor Cerebri Support Group
Pseudotumor cerebri (PTC) is a neurological disorder that is characterized by increased intracranial pressure, in the absence of a tumor or other diseases affecting the brain or its lining. Diagnosis requires brain scans and lumbar puncture. Characteristic symptoms are headache, transient visual obscurations or transient visual loss in one or both eyes usually lasting...
My 13 year old is so ANGRY. We pay over $3,000.00 a year for her dance classes. We pay monthly for her to have a working cell phone. She has cable TV in her room and she has her own laptop computer. Moreover, we take her to and from dance classes at least 8 times each week. At dinner time, for as long as I can remember, we typically make a separate meal just for her because she is such a picky eater....or we insure that the meals we eat are things that she likes even if those meals become mundane for the rest of us. She has friends over for sleepovers. And, if she wants money to go to the movies, go shopping, etc. with friends she gets it. Her needs are being met and then some.
In turn, we ask: that she throw any trash (snack rappers, soda cans, papers, etc.) away....which she doesn't. That she throws her dirty laundry in the hamper right outside her room (which she doesn't)....as opposed to leaving it on her floor or in the bathroom. That she put any of her dirty dishes in the sink (which she doesn't). That she get up on time and go to school each day (she does most of the time). That she put her best effort into getting good grades (SHE DOES!). That she be respectful to her parents...(She doesn't). AND THAT'S IT!
As many of you know...I ADORE my children. I have been a mom since I was 19. Unlike my young college friends at that age, who would go out and enjoy their 20's...I worked, had my own place and stayed home to take care of my child. My child was my everything. Since getting married and having more children....they are still everything to me. And now, that I am disabled with IH...they are even more important. They are more important to me now because they are my only legacy to this world. When I was younger and working I had ambitions of becoming a child advocate helping children in troubled homes...or becoming a politician, passing bills to help those who needed it...or becoming a psychologist or drug counselor and helping those who were down. But, now that I am sick and cannot do those things....my legacy is being the best mom I can and leaving behind magnificent children who know how much they were loved.
But, with my 13 year old things have gotten really bad. She tells friends and teachers at school and dance that she hates her parents and that we yell at her all the time. She says she is depressed and has a lot of pressure and stress in her life and that we don't appreciate her. She feels this way because we won't let her stay up on school nights past 11:00 p.m. (It used to be 10:00...which I thought was late...but, she threw such a disruptive fit we finally gave in.) Then, despite our rule she has been staying up either watching her TV, texting on her cell phone or playing on her laptop...until sometimes 2:00 a.m. When we confront her she is obstinate and starts yelling sometimes waking up her other siblings who also have school.
She gets tired and run down from so much dance. When she does, the next morning she tells us she's too sick to go to school. A few times we've let her stay home (She's already missed 6 days of school and it's only October), but tell her if she misses school she can't go to dance. She throws a fit and starts screaming and slamming doors. When she gets this way...after trying to keep our calm...eventually we start yelling too, because otherwise she won't listen.
This past week she missed two days of school. Last night, I told her that she was well enough to attend school today and told her she needed to go to bed. She refused to go to bed. This morning I needed to wake her up for school, and she told me she was too sick to go to school. I told her she was going. She threw yet another fit, waking up her siblings. Finally my husband came in and told her undoubtedly she was going to school.
This past weekend, she threw a fit at dinner. We tried to talk to her about the way she's been acting and she got up and walked away. We told her to come back. She refused. We called her back again, and again. Finally she came back. We told her to come in and sit down....she sat down on the foyer floor. We insisted she come to the table. She sat at the counter. (Now this was a power play.) This went on and on. Finally we got her to sit at the table. BUT...when we tried talking to her she started texting on her cell phone. When we told her to put her phone down....she refused. We asked again, and again, and again...still she refused. Now, I started raising my voice....she laughed and still refused. Finally I reached over to grab the phone and when I did she whipped the phone up and clocked me in my mouth. My bottom lip swelled enormously and started bleeding....a week later it is still bruised. She said it was an accident.
With all this, we have turned off her cell phone. Turned off her TV and taken her laptop away. Today, my husband had to go in for oral surgery and have his 4 wisdom teeth and one other tooth removed. He is swollen and in pain. Today I was back and forth to the pharmacy, doing laundry, making dinner, cleaning, nursing, etc. (Things that once were no big deal...but, now make me very tired and sick with pain.) She came home from school and instead of giving her dad a hug and kiss and asking how he was or what she could help me with...she ranted and raved about why her cell phone is turned off and demanded it be turned back on. Then she wanted to start arguing with her dad about why she can't have the use of her computer. HE JUST HAD SURGERY!!! HE COULD BARELY TALK!
If I say black...she says white. She says she hates both her father and I. She has told almost everyone in our community that she gets yelled at all the time and has incredible stress. She told them that she was locked in her bedroom all weekend. WE HAVE NEVER EVER LOCKED HER IN HER ROOM. However, she has recently chosen to spend most of her time in her room away from the family even though we invite her to spend time with us. AND THIS WEEKEND SHE HAD HER BEST FRIEND HERE AT OUR HOME FOR A SLEEPOVER!!!
I can only surmount that all this is happening because I am sick and she's angry about that. But, now, because of the things she is telling everyone...I don't feel comfortable going to the dance studio...going to her competitions or going to her school. People must think I'm some kind of ogre. Either way, I love that girl more than anything in this world and this behavior is breaking my heart into a million pieces. The stress of her rants makes me sicker. The yelling makes my shunt swell. I don't know what to do....
In turn, we ask: that she throw any trash (snack rappers, soda cans, papers, etc.) away....which she doesn't. That she throws her dirty laundry in the hamper right outside her room (which she doesn't)....as opposed to leaving it on her floor or in the bathroom. That she put any of her dirty dishes in the sink (which she doesn't). That she get up on time and go to school each day (she does most of the time). That she put her best effort into getting good grades (SHE DOES!). That she be respectful to her parents...(She doesn't). AND THAT'S IT!
As many of you know...I ADORE my children. I have been a mom since I was 19. Unlike my young college friends at that age, who would go out and enjoy their 20's...I worked, had my own place and stayed home to take care of my child. My child was my everything. Since getting married and having more children....they are still everything to me. And now, that I am disabled with IH...they are even more important. They are more important to me now because they are my only legacy to this world. When I was younger and working I had ambitions of becoming a child advocate helping children in troubled homes...or becoming a politician, passing bills to help those who needed it...or becoming a psychologist or drug counselor and helping those who were down. But, now that I am sick and cannot do those things....my legacy is being the best mom I can and leaving behind magnificent children who know how much they were loved.
But, with my 13 year old things have gotten really bad. She tells friends and teachers at school and dance that she hates her parents and that we yell at her all the time. She says she is depressed and has a lot of pressure and stress in her life and that we don't appreciate her. She feels this way because we won't let her stay up on school nights past 11:00 p.m. (It used to be 10:00...which I thought was late...but, she threw such a disruptive fit we finally gave in.) Then, despite our rule she has been staying up either watching her TV, texting on her cell phone or playing on her laptop...until sometimes 2:00 a.m. When we confront her she is obstinate and starts yelling sometimes waking up her other siblings who also have school.
She gets tired and run down from so much dance. When she does, the next morning she tells us she's too sick to go to school. A few times we've let her stay home (She's already missed 6 days of school and it's only October), but tell her if she misses school she can't go to dance. She throws a fit and starts screaming and slamming doors. When she gets this way...after trying to keep our calm...eventually we start yelling too, because otherwise she won't listen.
This past week she missed two days of school. Last night, I told her that she was well enough to attend school today and told her she needed to go to bed. She refused to go to bed. This morning I needed to wake her up for school, and she told me she was too sick to go to school. I told her she was going. She threw yet another fit, waking up her siblings. Finally my husband came in and told her undoubtedly she was going to school.
This past weekend, she threw a fit at dinner. We tried to talk to her about the way she's been acting and she got up and walked away. We told her to come back. She refused. We called her back again, and again. Finally she came back. We told her to come in and sit down....she sat down on the foyer floor. We insisted she come to the table. She sat at the counter. (Now this was a power play.) This went on and on. Finally we got her to sit at the table. BUT...when we tried talking to her she started texting on her cell phone. When we told her to put her phone down....she refused. We asked again, and again, and again...still she refused. Now, I started raising my voice....she laughed and still refused. Finally I reached over to grab the phone and when I did she whipped the phone up and clocked me in my mouth. My bottom lip swelled enormously and started bleeding....a week later it is still bruised. She said it was an accident.
With all this, we have turned off her cell phone. Turned off her TV and taken her laptop away. Today, my husband had to go in for oral surgery and have his 4 wisdom teeth and one other tooth removed. He is swollen and in pain. Today I was back and forth to the pharmacy, doing laundry, making dinner, cleaning, nursing, etc. (Things that once were no big deal...but, now make me very tired and sick with pain.) She came home from school and instead of giving her dad a hug and kiss and asking how he was or what she could help me with...she ranted and raved about why her cell phone is turned off and demanded it be turned back on. Then she wanted to start arguing with her dad about why she can't have the use of her computer. HE JUST HAD SURGERY!!! HE COULD BARELY TALK!
If I say black...she says white. She says she hates both her father and I. She has told almost everyone in our community that she gets yelled at all the time and has incredible stress. She told them that she was locked in her bedroom all weekend. WE HAVE NEVER EVER LOCKED HER IN HER ROOM. However, she has recently chosen to spend most of her time in her room away from the family even though we invite her to spend time with us. AND THIS WEEKEND SHE HAD HER BEST FRIEND HERE AT OUR HOME FOR A SLEEPOVER!!!
I can only surmount that all this is happening because I am sick and she's angry about that. But, now, because of the things she is telling everyone...I don't feel comfortable going to the dance studio...going to her competitions or going to her school. People must think I'm some kind of ogre. Either way, I love that girl more than anything in this world and this behavior is breaking my heart into a million pieces. The stress of her rants makes me sicker. The yelling makes my shunt swell. I don't know what to do....
Sometimes you wish you could just lock them up from 13-18 and get past this stage. Just stay strong and united the way it sounds like you and your husband are. You made the hard choice and took away the things that hurt. Now maybe she will understand the rewards for good behavior.
I know it hurts to hear her say she hates you but she really doesn't its just the age. My daughter is 30 now and believe it or not she doesn't even remember ever yelling that she hated me.
Stay strong I know its hard but you are doing the right things.
Big hugs
Deb
at 12 my mom and dad divorced, they blamed my not wanting to go to school on that and dragged me to therapy which i hated.
to this day my mom still thinks the divorce effected me more then it really did. It was just me and my high anxiety with school which just got worse with age ( and was always there, I've had this talk with my mom it wasn't anything she did it's always been there and all of a sudden she could remember stories of me begging to stay home and be homed school since i was a young child)
But your trying your best and people must think better of you then you think since they still let there kids come over to spend the night.
Hang in there sometimes i still can't believe i made it past 18 myself, and yea there are times i've said things to my parents i regret and they did things i didn't understand then but i do now. Stay strong
They may want to test her to see if her classes are to hard or to easy for her, also they will have her take a mental health test and try to figure out if it's something at school thats making her not want to go or if it's her really not feeling well in the mornings.
Not going to lie i would for real feel sick every sunday night monday morning to my tummy and even have to call from school to be taken home but if it's medical well then maybe you need to see if it's something that can be fixed by going to the doctor.
I mean it won't fix it all but as a girl that was suborn as all hell going though those years i wish i had help with my anxiety at those ages and also i would have loved to figure out some of my medical stuff going on in my body at those ages. i had panic attacks starting at 12 which made going to school a lot worse and i don't think i told anyone about those till i was about 14 when i had one i had to go to the ER for.
I then was married and had three more children . My daughter was happiness personified until she turned 13 . Then she did everything your daughter has done and more . She started cutting herself and wearing black and doing all sorts of things . Later , we found out she was bipolar and this is the age when it starts to become apparent sometimes . However , one thing I can tell you is please don't overreact like I did . I took her to Psych , counseling and would have her admitted when she cut herself . You have to be very careful because the system can cause you to doubt everything you are doing . We carefully ....VERY carefully weighed everything before she would start meds and we agonized over every decision . If I had it all to do over , in my case , I would not have done any of that . I would have remained consistent and united with my husband and just picked my battles until adolescence was over . She is now 19 and living on her own ( with her boyfriend) she got her GED and works full time . She stopped all her meds when she turned 18 . I do think she is bipolar but the way the behavioral health community is set up right now it is almost better sometimes to try to treat it with diet , exercise and herbs than to deal with all of that . Every doc wanted to give her something different . It was a nightmare . If you ever want to talk I am available for you . It is so hard and the reason for my auburn hair turning gray in the last ten years !
On top of all that she has VERY thick hair. At her age she is under a lot of pressure to look good ALL OF THE TIME. Last year she was exhausted from dance so she would go to school with her hair in a ponytail...but, she was teased by all of the girls who were made up. But, for my daughter it can take up to an hour and a half to do her hair....I know because I've done it. (She has enough hair for 3 people!) So, she only washes her hair twice a week because it's so much stress and effort to look good and fit in. Of course, the other kids know she dances but have no idea how hard she works. She's so involved in dance she's not able to be involved in school activities. She's not at the football games. She misses school dances. She's not on the cheerleading squad or on student council. And....because she's not more involved, she feels more left out when all her friends have sleepovers on the weekend and she's not included.
Sooooooo.....of course, my husband and I have pleaded with her that she cut back on some of her dance classes because it's what's best for her in the long run. Use that time for intra-school activities. Even her pediatrician has told her it's too much. But, even the mention of cutting back causes her to "wig" out! She won't hear of it. So...as you mentioned....we are going to take her to counseling. Hopefully it will help. All I know is this is a VERY painful process.
MM3
Is there a way when she is acting up that you or your husband can discreatly video it?...I did this with my youngest and when he watched it back he was shocked at how awful he sounded and behaved. I asked him what would he think if he saw a kid act like that to their mom or dad? He said he thought that it would look like a Brat to others and it wasn't very nice, and has since calmed down with some of it...he's only 9 so I expect some tantrums still. You have done the right thing in taking away her extra's until she can get herself undercontrol and when she does get her things back put time blocks on them that after 10 pm or whatever you decide...no text's can come in or out on weekdays until her normal school wake up time the next morning. We did this with our 17yr old he hates it but if we don't he won't sleep he'll be up alnight texting and he's very active in Baseball & weight training and needs rest.
Also with the video how would it make her feel if you showed it to her friends and said Look at how she acts! She would probably feel the same way you do about her bad mouthing you to others but you have proof. I know I have a warped approach to parenting but Yelling doesn't work for me even though I will, and my boys are almost as big as me so spanking is out, So I have to get in their heads somehow.
ok no child is allowed to go play when they are grounded for 2 days for hitting there 4 year old brother. that doeant mean hes NEVER allowed to go out but he sure has my family thinking we are abusive and horrible people who would do that.
we yell when he tells us he hates us and he desnt care what our rules are b/c hes the boss and hes gonna do what he wants to do when he wants to do it.
i usually end up crying b/c my son hates me. but most of the time i dont let him see it. i dont want him to know how bad hes really hurting me. well this wekend i had it, i was sick with the flu and tired of the fighting and my head hurt from the yelling and i started balling an asked him what i ever did to hurt him or make him hate me so much. he didnt have an asnswer, for once he stood there and stared at me like OMG maybe i should quit, my mom is crying,
it didnt help much the next day he kicked his brother and copletly ignored me when i told him to take a shower. when asked why b/c i dotn care. so evedently he still doesnt care that i was crying.
i wish i could help you. unfortunatly kids will be kids. they grow up hating there parents. i remember being that age, i hated my mom for no reason what so ever, she was a great mom who did everything she could possibly do for me, we wernt poor ( we wernt rich) but i had what i wanted but of course for a young girl nothing is ever enough.
when im fighing with my son i just try to remember all the fights i had with my mom and remember that i grew out of it. me and my mom now have a fairly good relationship and i regret most of my childhood.
she will find her way. unfortunatly whe may have to be 18 and liveing on her own to realize how much she still lovers her mommy but i promise you , coming from a once horrible daughter, she will love you again.
ky
JMMommy: Coaching cheerleading? With IH? You are a good mom indeed!
IHatePTC: WOW! You certainly have had your share of mothering and it sounds like your children haven't made it easy for you. The way you describe your 17 year old sounds much like how I envision my 13 year old at that age. She is very strong willed and I imagine once she has her drivers license we are all but screwed. It's good to see that you have the strength and sense of humor to get through it. Patience is definitely required for this job!
KBooth: Thanks. I guess you've honed in on the most painful part of this. I thought I was a good mom. I thought we were close. I would do ANYTHING for my daughter...but, to hear that she hates me? To see her act out with such aggression? It breaks my heart. I went to the store today and the entire time I was there I couldn't focus on shopping. All I could think about was her. I kept losing my way. When she finally came home from dance, I grabbed her and began sobbing. I told her how much it pains me that we are fighting so much. I told her I loved her and I didn't want to lose her. She said she hates it too and loves me as well. She said she was sorry. She also told me that she changed her solo dance this year. She said she can't tell me what the song is, what it's about or what her costume looks like. It's a lyrical dance so it will require a great deal of emotion from her. I have a feeling that she is dedicating the dance to me...but, shhhh....I'm not supposed to know this. Her teacher understands that it's best of she put her feelings out on the dance floor. So this will help.
I know that my illness has been difficult for all of my children. Where I was once a vibrant and active mom, always on the go...I'm now down for the count most days. It is silly of me to believe that my disease has ONLY stolen something from me....obviously it affects our children as well. IH has affected all of my children differently and I'm not sure they know how to discuss their fears. I have scheduled a doctors appointment for us to see a counselor to work these feelings out. I guess this is just one more way that IH can rob us. I'm so glad to have each of you here to support me along this rough road. I only hope that something I say helps you as well.
Thank you.
MM3
Im so glad to hear that! your daughter does love you i knew it! i remember being that age, its an awful age to be, you hate yourself and the world and you dont know why. i think you will need a very large box of tissue for that dance of hers. :) she will show her true feelings to you thru something like dance, even thought she doesnt know how to tell you.
I wish i had girls, then maybe i could figure them out a bit better, i was a girl, girls i get, boys.... boys i dont get. i try talking to them, i try doing the things i wanted as a child, i try giving them everything they want and need, i try taking it all away when there bad, i cry and tell them how much they hurt me, i feel ive tried it all with my oldest and hes only 10. last week he told me hed rather go to foster care than live with us. he changed his mind some after i explained to him that foster kids bounce around from home to home with the clothes on their backs and no toys and change schools every year and have no friends and the parents might be horrible people. but he still tells me he wants to run away. i didnt start this untill i was 14 or 15, do boys start this stuff earlier than girls? or is my son just gonna be a rebel?
any ways, im glad to hear you made a bit of progress with your daugter, i know underneath the angry teenage daughter there is a little girl who still loves and needs her mommy, and you are a good one to have.
ky
I think counseling is a good idea. i am lloking into one right now to.