yesterday started out uneventful. He slept until 2ish and then he went out w/Justin to “look for jobs again.” So far, neither of them have been able to find jobs!! I have been severely depressed since Saturday. After Sheila “helped me realize Nate is being abusive,” I haven’t been the same. I didn’t do any homework, and I mainly stayed in bed after I finished work. But yesterday, Katie had me meet her at the gym. It was amazing. I told her I am filled w/so much rage, and I have no way to “get it out.” After the gym I had a minor panic attack while driving. I realized I wanted to perform some “self-abuse” and I just started to cry. I treated myself to Wendy’s, but I kept changing my mind as I was driving there. I hate when I feel like this. When I cannot make a decision, and I get so insecure. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. It was also weird to feel all that rage. I thought the Prozac would keep me mellow at all times. glad to see I can still feel and work on my own recovery while working w/Nate. I am finding a local Pilates instructor for some private lessons. Yoga isn’t enough. Yoga is great to help calm me, but I need to focus on getting in-touch w/this rage, addressing & acknowledging the rage, and better ways to manage my rage so nothing hinders my progress w/Nate. I also texted Nate yesterday…..I told him he is running out of time to get a job before I turn his phone off, since I will no longer pay for it. He immediately texted back saying “of course” he will be mad at me if this happens. He doesn’t see anything wrong with exploding on me. I reminded him he has had plenty of time to find a job. He is not able to blame me when the phone gets turned off. He also is not allowed to yell/scream/curse at me since he knows this change is coming………my biggest revelations have been wanting to “use”, and that I no longer feel better when I do. It seems pointless now. It just made me paranoid last night, insecure, and probably little more depressed……the other revelation came today when I was working and Nathaniel woke up. I became so nervous; it was like the “exposed nerve” feeling when I first started therapy. It has been forever since I have felt that. I was so vulnerable. So exposed. So young. So easily able to be hurt/made to cry/verbally berated/crushed/deflated. So easily able to be BROKEN. My heart actually hurt again, another feeling I haven’t experienced in a long time. When I took the 3rd half tab, I hated it. None of my problems went away, and none felt easier to manage. It just made me more aware that this Nathaniel problem really needs to be fixed; it is the last issue to be fixed; and I am finally able to focus on it. It didn’t give me that positive rush or energy, my heart just raced and it felt like it was going to come out of my chest. It just made all my exposed nerve anxiety worse. And now I have the anxiety pain in my right clavicle. Another feeling that hasn’t been around in a while. This is just like being in therapy again.
So I'm a new member, and I'm an alcoholic. A functioning alcoholic, but an alcoholic none the less. I decided I wanted to get help, and I'm now working on trying to get sober. I hope you can give me tips or something, I don't exactly know if I'll be able to stop just because I want to.
Functioning. Func-tion-ing.... it's a word I hear a lot of the time these days mostly in a negative way it always seems to be followed by the word alcoholic. I prefer the adjective .... [ performing or able to perform regular function ] seems to fit the best. What I think most people don't know is when it's comes to life Ive kind of just felt like I'm *just functioning anyway.... Way before...