Hi, my name is Shaun, and I am struggling very much right now.
If you don't want to read my intro, scroll down the the line I made.


I am 22 years old, and tried lortabs/opiates when I was 18-19. I have been struggling from this major mistake for 3 years now. It ruined my life. I lost everything I owned, and all my friends trust.
I work up in the hospital Dec 23rd 09, to realize I overdosed, and was arrested. I am now in drug court, and feel like I am making progress.
I have been taking steps lately, and it felt like everything was working well. I am working, I have my own money, and am in a relationship. I recently quit smoking cigarettes, which took me three years to do. I've known my girlfriend my whole life but we were always just friends if that.

She makes me want to better myself. I sometimes wonder why she is with me, my self esteem is a little low.
She is in school, has great grades and is one year from graduating.
-I never show my weakness when I'm with her.-

Even though I am very insecure, I do not want to turn her away. It kind of feels like in a way I am lying to her.


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Anyways, let me get to the point... I first started drugs when I was 18 because I was very upset my high school gf left me, my friend totaled my car, and I dropped out of school. I never touched anything before 18.

For the last 3 years these demons in my head have been haunting me. I put myself on suboxune even though I probably didn't need to.

I was mostly worried about messing up in drug court, and knowing suboxune makes me happy, i said what the hell!

5 months of being on it... Only 5 months... being subscribed 2 , 8mg doses a day. (even though I only took 4mg- to 8mg a day.

I am in a rough situation. I am going on 4 days without it and I am getting worse and worse. The last 3 days have slowly gotten worse.
I keep breaking down mentally, and am Extremely fatigue and depressed.

If I do not show up to work on thursday, I will be fired. So I do not want to go to inpatient. I tried to buy subs off the street, and my old friend set me up for a scam. (because we rarely talk and he has no job + needs to support his addiction) I lost a majority of my check, that I could have used to fix my car. Instead I am broke and, missed work this whole week.

I just want to give up with life. I have some pretty bad dreams and visions of just saying fuck it, and overdosing.; This freaks me out, because I am terrified of death, and can't comprehend why this is still going on.

Why did I get off suboxune? I just recently got insurance, and had to pay out of pocket before hand. I put over 800$ in and I owe another 120$, but they wont see me until a week after I pay them. So i was forced to stop. I just got my hands on 4 suboxunes, and my mother.... who I finally told, is freaking furious. No one wants to hear this shit, and I don't blame her.

She never went through this so she doesn't know what to do.
I don't know if I can do this anymore, my will is growing very very very weak. But I am so freaking scared of going through this again if I take my sub. My mother said she would help me out with the payment until I get the money, but I am so freaking terrified to go through this again.

I have flu like symptoms, fatigue(can barely walk) and am breaking down 4-5 times a day with the thoughts I have.

When I am on sub, I am very outgoing, and a funny guy. That was my personality my first 18 years of my life. I feel like that person will never be back without suboxune. I hate myself for doing this.

Now, it is all drama, anxiety, depression and no sleep or eating.

I feel like if I take my suboxune now, and try to taper down through a doctor "like my councilor says, I will still withdrawal later in time(probably worse), and put alot of guilt on my self for making it 4 days through and giving up.

In a way I want to finish this out, but in a way I just want to take the F'ing pill and be able to eat, sleep, see my gf, go to work, and smile.

The mental part is the hardest for me, and the sleep.

I want to give up, there is not a minute that I am up that I am not debating on what to do.

Every forum I read has a different withdrawal time. Some people are fine after 10 days, some 7, some 2-3 months to feel mentally better.

If I do not figure something out soon, I know I will lose my girl friend, quit my job, and ruin my life, even more than I have.

Should I take it, and be happy, and try to build my self esteem and mental state?

Or should I go through the hell and risk everything I stated above. Because some people might be stronger than me. I personally am having 5+ anxiety attacks a day and am freaking out that I am going to do something I will regret, or can't change.

I am sorry this is so long, and pathetic... but I have been looking at my phone for 4 days now... and I just can't ask for help, or tell anyone what I am going through. I am soo embarrassed.

IT tales me a good 15 minutes to move around the house. I feel like I mentally have to focus on my will because I am on the verge of collapsing. I have not eaten in 3 days, and feel like I am close to throwing up. I went to the Doctor and they gave me clonidine and something for sickness, I feel little or no difference.

I can't seem to stop replaying all the people I am letting down, and have conned in the past 3 years. I feel like my ocd is only focusing on my negative thoughts. I can't fking stop it. I'm a mess.

I once was happy. for 18 years. Now I make excuses, and work for 8;50 a hour and struggle.

I am a very passion-et person, and would go out of my way for anyone, whether I know them or not. I also feel like this passion, is my biggest flaw.

Thank you for your time.