im excited about this child. she is constant company. she annoys me sometimes. and i love her all the time. i dont think my stbx wants her. i dont think he really wanted another child. i didnt want another child until after i had a miscarriage. i wonder if he does what he shd with our kids but doesnt really love? them? idk. maybe thats a stretch. i wonder how he can love them when he cant love me. guess thats selfish. its grey. not blk and white. i dont know what is gonna happen when she arrives. can he b a single parent to a newborn? he prob wont have to. his mother and sister will prob step in. idk. well he's not an idiot. hes a great dad with the other kids so im sure he can learn to be a great dad to this new baby 2.

i just don't know if i can be a team with him with her. with the other kids i can do it from a distance. with a baby u cant do it from a distance. im afraid it will be painful for me to be so close to him. close and yet not 2gether.