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I doubt this will trigger anyone else. This is my own personal trigger.
Hubby is sick. That is my trigger. Yup, Stressed, shaking, vision going in and out, want to do nothing but curl up and scream the world away.
I know things will be fine. This happens all the time. He has been ill more than not in the last four months. It is cellulitis again. We were talking about him taking a job next month that he would enjoy, just for fun. I worried last night that he was going to get ill over it, but I thought we had gotten past it. Then we talked about it again a few hours ago...
That was all it took. Thirty minutes later he was going after an ice pack to cool his skin. Half an hour after that, he started an antibiotic regime. An hour later, he is curled up in bed shaking with cold. The fever will start in a couple hours - he has taken vicoden and tylenol to preempt both the fever and the pain.
Tomorrow, hopefully, he will feel well enough to call the Dr for the refill for his antibiotic. We only keep a couple days worth on hand. If he is too ill, I will have to do the phone calls.
Tonight though, I am freaking out. My mind is racing to all the times I have sat with him when he was hospitalized for this. To the phone calls to bosses on why he and I were not at work. Of watching his fever spike to 108 waiting for the ER doctors to actually listen to me that I know what was wrong and what needs to happen. I have watched layer after layer of scar tissue build up on his legs.
In the last four months, he has had six flare ups. That means less than three weeks in the last four months he has been anything close to healthy... Really only the last couple of weeks.
Thank goodness my kid is hear. She is making him some rice and soup. I am shaking so bad there is no way I could cook.
I want to curl up and just not be....
Hubby is sick. That is my trigger. Yup, Stressed, shaking, vision going in and out, want to do nothing but curl up and scream the world away.
I know things will be fine. This happens all the time. He has been ill more than not in the last four months. It is cellulitis again. We were talking about him taking a job next month that he would enjoy, just for fun. I worried last night that he was going to get ill over it, but I thought we had gotten past it. Then we talked about it again a few hours ago...
That was all it took. Thirty minutes later he was going after an ice pack to cool his skin. Half an hour after that, he started an antibiotic regime. An hour later, he is curled up in bed shaking with cold. The fever will start in a couple hours - he has taken vicoden and tylenol to preempt both the fever and the pain.
Tomorrow, hopefully, he will feel well enough to call the Dr for the refill for his antibiotic. We only keep a couple days worth on hand. If he is too ill, I will have to do the phone calls.
Tonight though, I am freaking out. My mind is racing to all the times I have sat with him when he was hospitalized for this. To the phone calls to bosses on why he and I were not at work. Of watching his fever spike to 108 waiting for the ER doctors to actually listen to me that I know what was wrong and what needs to happen. I have watched layer after layer of scar tissue build up on his legs.
In the last four months, he has had six flare ups. That means less than three weeks in the last four months he has been anything close to healthy... Really only the last couple of weeks.
Thank goodness my kid is hear. She is making him some rice and soup. I am shaking so bad there is no way I could cook.
I want to curl up and just not be....
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I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
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Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
(((HUGS)))
...What does he do for a living when he's working again?
Because I was wondering if he could work from home.
The job we were talking about was just working as an actor at the local haunted corn maze. He did it the last two years and other than catching a cold, he did fine.
At this point I don't think he can work an office job. Just applying for a job sends him into a flare up of his cellulitis. That is one of the main reasons we are trying to move - get a fresh start somewhere he is not afraid of being let go...
He even brought me some Chinese BBQ pork we had in the fridge. Then everything when wrong.
Hubby and daughter love to watch zombie movies together. I have been pretending that I am ok with it, or my option is to sit alone in my bedroom while they laugh.
Hubby wanted to show me the episode of Z Nation that I had missed on purpose - I guess he did not hear me say I did not want to watch it, but if he did he should watch it with our daughter, not me. With me already balancing on the raggedy edge of sanity with him sick and everything else that is going wrong this week, It was more than I could cope with. three times I told him "no" and "turn it off" and "I can't watch this" and so when he just muted it until the gory part was over - I lost it.
Without a word I bolted from the room, to curl under the covers on my bed and scream. Hubby followed me in, saying he would just take a nap with me... I flat told then I would have to go out in the livingroom... the next thing I knew I heard my SUV turn over, heard him back into the motorhome, heard him drive off. This is the person I stayed up most of the night taking care of watching to see if we were going to have to bolt for the ER or not.
The noise brought my daughter up and out of her room. She stayed with me while I screamed and cried for about an hour.
Hubby came back. He had gone to the grocery store, with money we needed for the gas tank.
Now everyone is sitting in the living room, each on their own computer, listening with headphones, not speaking to anyone else. I am just hoping no one notices the tears that won't stop sliding down my face.
Hubby says he is sorry and just left to go take a nap. I could not even look at him.
I am having a bad day.
@ OP, I have similar triggers relating to hospital stuff. When someone falls down, I'll be really upset for many hours. Same for when my mom sleeps too much.
to quote a Brit friend of mine, "Oh fuck-a-duck." (WTH? There's an image no one needs.)
I HATE zombie movies. Loathe, fear, depise, can't abide, won't watch, don't won't, can't even bear listening to zombie movies. I mean, it's crank up the iPod, be in another room, sucking on comfort chocolate, and cuddled up in fleece watching a cartoon show like old Bugs Bunny on thelaptop.
So I totally sympathize. Totally. Completely. Utterly.
This stems from my seeing the original classic 1968 Night of the Living Dead (directed by George Romero) at the age of 10 in a midnight showing, and having 33 years of recurring zombie nightmares since. (Interesting note: A few of my dad's relatives are extras in the film as zombies---and it turns out that when the nightmares stopped being zombies, they started being my dad and sis. OMG.)
Anyway---So Hubby got me a book a few years ago. "Oh you'll love it, I read it, it's great."
WORLD WAR Z. Are you bleeping KIDDING ME? PTSD or not, he knew my zombie-phobia! ARGH! I couldn't even open the book, let alone read the darn thing. (I eventually did, had nightmares every night for weeks, thanks, Hubby....) All b/c I ddint' want *his* feelings to be hurt by *me* not reading a zombie book. *slaps self upside head*
Sorry to ramble, but yeah, me, zombies? No. No and no. ANd they're always in hospitals, and since 2011 I also have a medical phobia, so---
*shudder*
Fully with you, Yadim, gently hugging you and mentally taking you with me to watch "Bambi" and "Cinderella", okay? .... Soft support.
But that is mine...
Gentle support while you work through your own.
The only thing I do he does not is ride my horse. He plays MMOs. Other than that we are usually hand in hand with everything.
This is one of the few bits of my mind I can look at without fear - looking at the silliness of what triggers me and what does not.
Hugs to all - I have not the strength today for any self reflection