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My sister and her husband were intense alcoholics. Both enjoyed those ethereal phone calls so many alcoholics make while they are too drunk to remember how randomly senseless their Johnny Walker Wisdom is. I stopped accepting the phone calls allot of years ago. Hearing problems make phones difficult for me with the folks who can make special accommodations in their speech for my benefit. A slurring drunk? Ouch. Our last conversations consisted of my laying the phone down and letting them ramble until even a drunk could notice I wasn't there any more. My rejecting those drunken rambles was the end of our communication. I continued to hold them in my heart and pray for them continually.
My brother-in-law died in his sleep about 4 months ago. The sister with whom I shared the grandfest tells me our sister is not handling it well, at all. Monday evening our niece found her semi-conscious on the toilet and rushed her to the hospital. Left to her own devices, she would have died already. The hospital staff has kept her alive and it looks likely that her daughters will advocate the half-life of mechanically assisted continuance. We know that can go on for a very long time... My sister and I do not believe she wants this, at all. She has told us often that she did not want to out-live her husband, nor end her days as a mechanical wonder. She has no living will, so by law the daughters have the last word.
And so, another morning finds me whiling away the cool hours of the day here instead of working my farm full of outdoor projects. Sigh.
My brother-in-law died in his sleep about 4 months ago. The sister with whom I shared the grandfest tells me our sister is not handling it well, at all. Monday evening our niece found her semi-conscious on the toilet and rushed her to the hospital. Left to her own devices, she would have died already. The hospital staff has kept her alive and it looks likely that her daughters will advocate the half-life of mechanically assisted continuance. We know that can go on for a very long time... My sister and I do not believe she wants this, at all. She has told us often that she did not want to out-live her husband, nor end her days as a mechanical wonder. She has no living will, so by law the daughters have the last word.
And so, another morning finds me whiling away the cool hours of the day here instead of working my farm full of outdoor projects. Sigh.
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Lately I've been feeling scared and full of anxiety. I recently found a lump under my nipple. I hurt my back too. I'm in the process of moving. I'm run down. Everything is hard
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Just wanted to give a thank you to Mid, Arfie, Malibumark, Greeneyes, Mlro, Girlincalif, and Suncloudjd! You all always have such helpful tips and advice, but I always forget to write on my posts when I see you post, lol. I would lose my head if it wasn't attached to my body, lol. Thank you all so much! I'm starting to use my AI app as a sounding board again. I used to use it as that before...
Some things are just plain hard...
Good morning arfie.
I wish you peace with their decisions, it's so hard to let go, even as a child of less than wonderful parentage. You know your sister's intent and may even feel her life was selfish in nature by making this choice. But you abide by her choice in a robotic attachment, because when the day comes you would want your wishes to be heard and abide'd by.
But for her children they look at her with different eyes, with hope. They hear of medical miracles of people coming back, because it's not reported the number of those that don't. So acceptance of this is not with in their vision. yet.
But if things are as you say and there is only a degradation of your sisters bodily response, with out the humanity of her, they will get to the place of acceptance and let her go.
I will tell you that the 4 month mark or there a bouts, is a strong point of the grief in losing a spouse. The widow fog is beginning to clear and the heart and brain begin to merge. Though she may know her husband passed, there was always the hope that it was a very bad dream. At about 4 months that reality fades and acceptance and true pain of the loss really starts. This is also the time when most people of support, family and friends have quit checking on her daily or fallen away, going back to their lives.
Children see her going through the motions of living, mistakenly thinking that she is already in acceptance, some even believe that their parent is healing from the loss. Many will not face their own grief until it looks like "mom" is okay. The "Fog", gives that appearance. So they now pull away to deal with their own grief, so as not to upset her again. When in reality her grief is now becoming a tsunami.
When actually the pain is really gaining strength, she is left with only the thoughts of how much her life will never be the same again. Her husband, built in support system, companion and party buddy ...a whole list of descriptions, is really gone on with out her.
I have only one sister ( in-law) that understood that the support needs to be increased, not decreased for the next several months. She is the widow of my brother. I watched ringside, her emotions change. But for her, she had much younger children, and for that only, she persevered. Your sister's children, being older are not her reasons now. She knows they will go on with their lives, sad maybe about her, but they have their own supportive people.
The point of all of this is please give them their room for some control, it takes awhile for the acceptance to kick in. They know that the process of moms engines are may or are already cycling down in there ability to function. Like and engine with some sugar in the tank, the longer you run it the more it caramelizes until it seizes. The machines that are keeping her going, will tell them that. In enough ways until they accept it, or she becomes one of those miracles that are reported.Though, that very seldom happens.
Then and only then will they be able to let her leave.
My heart to them and you, since it was my broth too that passed I kinda see both sides.
Jewells
By law, the decision is theirs, and I have no trouble with the spirit of that law. They are both sincere and compassionate women. I will support them, whichever way they take it. It is not likely I would ever share with them any of the details I have shared here. Grieving for a mother is, indeed, far, far different than grieving for a sister and I feel a certain responsibility toward them as their elder. They need support, not added conflict.
Still, I feel less than evil for having grief of my own and the need for honest processing. I am even feeling a little of that sense that it is unnatural for a younger sister to arrive here first, even if she is only a year and a half younger. The heart goes where it goes.
Here is a good place to open the vents.
J.
Prayers going out to you.
Let your heart go where it will. Be sure to let them know, if you can, that her wishing to "leave" them is not that she doesn't love them, but that her pain and grief are that overwhelming and/or bewildering. Grief expresses in its own way and time in each person.
Process away. We're here:-)
It's Sunday evening 11:15pm local time, and here in our hotel in Brazil my traveling buddy and I have stopped to say a prayer for you as you go through this period of waiting and watching. Even across the distance, we're with you.
Muji