I don't know. I was married for 13 years without raising my hand OR my voice to my spouse. Didn't guarantee a successful marriage beyond that point. On the other hand, it was important to me. When the end came as she chose to be with someone else, my spouse did a lot of yelling. I still didn't, even though in court my spouse was ejected by the judge and taken away forcibly by the bailiff. Yelling.

I know not all yelling is violence, necessarily, but there was so much of it all the time growing up I just don't want it in my adulthood. I'm willing to live alone to have that be the case. I know that may be withdrawing, but it's made for a peaceful life these 15 years since then. I don't believe everybody's got to sacrifice relationships. It's just that I relate to what you're saying. Enough yelling took place in my violent home for a couple of lifetimes for me.

I wish I had a solution to offer. All I can offer is solidarity instead.

I don't know if you have a therapist, but if so? Good place to start.

My dad yelled a lot. I was scared to death of him.

Now, I do yell, as does my hubby---in the "BLeeping bleep dropped that on my foot!" or "BLEEPING BAD DAY ARGH" way, but not in a "you suck and I'm gonna shout you into a tiny bundle of fear" way. So it's not verbal assault, if htat makes sense. Just noise, not nasty.


I can trigger too. I try to remind myself that it's not always what it was for me... But yeah.

Healing hopes....

Processing the trauma and time can help. I used to feel like I was needed in a life or death situation every time the phone rang. Now I don't react as strongly. Focusing on the 'now' or how the present isn't like the past and is better can help retrain the thought process.

I am 44 and I have worked through the majority of things that have happen to me in my life to the point that I don't get triggered anymore, however I have been very unsuccessful with yelling. I have been in therapy basically since I was 13 years old with only a couple summers off. I have learned a lot and processed a lot but still I am unable to process yelling. I grew up with it in my home and even went into foster homes where there was a lot of yelling.
I can remind myself all day long that I'm safe but my body still shuts down. I even practice the things that I have learn in therapy however as soon as any one even raises their voice without full blow yelling my body starts to react. I am like muji I would rather live alone than ever be yelled at cause it is peaceful. I have live alone many times in my life and I'll go right back there if I ever need to.
It's so bad for me that my wife and I have a sign wherever we go if it get to a point of people yelling we are out of there. I have a hard time even with happy yelling.
Sending you lots of hugs and gentle hugs as you figure out how to handle this on your journey

Dragonfly lady and Lillypotter how you guys just described how you feel about yelling is exactly how I feel. I'm sorry that all of you guys have problems with people yelling too, but it's nice to hear that I'm not the only one who is.

No, Kaila Jo, you are not alone. You are not even close to alone. Once you calm yourself enough to take note, you will see the rest of us huddled in the other corners of your hidey hole. Welcome to the forum.

I have spent so much time in my own hidey holes (plural intended) that I have had time to cover the walls with therapy tools to help me with that calming I ALWAYS need after I beat a retreat from whatever screamer (or whatever flight trigger) is plaguing my life at the time. I have carved out hidey holes across 3 continents. Ya can't catch The Arf before she wants to get caught!!!

You are definitely not alone, Kaila.