Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
In addition to the post of a bad day, I wanted to add a worst night post.
My nephews r staying over for the weekend. Obviously, this time of year is miserable for me. They are sleeping over in n my room, snoring peacefully. Then my brother, all high, comes into my room and gets upset that I am not there, while i am in the bathroom. He gets upset and just when I head back to my room, he picks them up one by one walking half asleep. I told him to leave my room, tears in my eyes because I was furious.
He wanted to start cursing at me and called me a bitch. I was sooo furiated, I threw the remote control across the room and just prepared myself to leave. I left with such an anger that left my heart beating uncontrollably. I went outside, in the rain and I did not recognize myself.
I walked around the neighborhood, walking with anger that left me feeling drunk. I didn't know how to talk. You wouldn't have liked me if you saw me. I was a miserable drunk, angrily and distastefully pouring out all the questions and truths of my heart. It was like Lamentions 3- Misery and suffering. I was lamenting about my life. I literally felt like a drunk. I feel that nobody should ever be with me, this is not the Kathy they know or used to see.
It was like if God was just staring down from His throne and He saw His child in this condition, this form of being. All exposed and vulnerable. I felt naked before Him. Ahhhhhhh! :-0
My nephews r staying over for the weekend. Obviously, this time of year is miserable for me. They are sleeping over in n my room, snoring peacefully. Then my brother, all high, comes into my room and gets upset that I am not there, while i am in the bathroom. He gets upset and just when I head back to my room, he picks them up one by one walking half asleep. I told him to leave my room, tears in my eyes because I was furious.
He wanted to start cursing at me and called me a bitch. I was sooo furiated, I threw the remote control across the room and just prepared myself to leave. I left with such an anger that left my heart beating uncontrollably. I went outside, in the rain and I did not recognize myself.
I walked around the neighborhood, walking with anger that left me feeling drunk. I didn't know how to talk. You wouldn't have liked me if you saw me. I was a miserable drunk, angrily and distastefully pouring out all the questions and truths of my heart. It was like Lamentions 3- Misery and suffering. I was lamenting about my life. I literally felt like a drunk. I feel that nobody should ever be with me, this is not the Kathy they know or used to see.
It was like if God was just staring down from His throne and He saw His child in this condition, this form of being. All exposed and vulnerable. I felt naked before Him. Ahhhhhhh! :-0
FindingKatB, as much as you suffer I'm still amazed at your spirit. In the end of your post about your bad night, you describe yourself and how badly you felt before God. It got my attention that you thought about God at all. I haven't always been that enlightened when out of control, myself. If it's not an idea of God as someone who wants to punish you, could the fact that you ended up talking about God here be turned to something that comforts you?
Because I want to say that it could very well be that God accepts you as you are with all of this. In my own background, one of God's forms is Jesus, who had everyone turn their back on him when he was shamed and traumatized at the end of his life.
I don't know that this is going to help with your family members, but at least there's a good chance that God gets you, and apparently even in your worst moments you still get God.
Hang in there, Kat.