Just to be clear, when I post, I’m not looking to be fixed. It’s okay to tell me your thoughts but you don’t have to tell me I’m right or I’m wrong, I really just want to be heard.

I’m having a lot of doubt. That doesn’t change anything. Facts are facts. It’s hard to admit he’s abusive because I have been nothing near a punching bag but physically, sexually, emotionally and economically, he’s been controlling. He’s been cruel, critical and when he realized I’ve had enough he started being nicer at times. Sometimes his niceness lasts a week but other behaviors always return. I won’t even talk fiancés with him anymore because nothing I do is right, he works so hard and I want the impossible.....maybe he should let me have the career I wanted and let me have time to pour into it. Maybe he should let me go back to waitressing. It brings in more money than his Uber/Lyft driving but he doesn’t want me to work.

Still I have been looking at our entire relationship wanting to own my responsibility because I know I am not perfect. He exaggerates and makes me feel awful. For instance, creating sexual boundaries was cruel. That made me controlling. Drawing a line and telling him not to cross it unless he decides he will seek help for himself was controlling. It is in a way but it’s controlling my safety. If he doesn’t want to get help we have no business continuing this relationship. If he doesn’t think he needs help that’s okay. But I’m allowed to leave regardless. I’m my own person. Whether this is him, me or us, I am allowed to leave.

I know there are times he could claim digital abuse. I’ve texted Hello??? I have texted my feelings that he’s not responding bc I needed something from him - information he waited until the last minute to give me (or not give me) Having it usually affected my ability to get insurance, pay a bill before services were disconnected, get the electric turned back on, or find something of mine he’d moved without telling me. My laptop for instance he’d move. He would never ask me to keep it elsewhere and I asked him if he’d like me to keep it in a certain place while I wasn’t using it, asked him to give my belongings a home when I moved in with him. Wherever I put things wasn’t good enough so I couldn’t find them. I’m not terrible at organizing. My organizing just isn’t good enough for him so I have felt paralyzed to keep a tidy house. I’ve told him he can tell me where he wants things and I will keep them there. I’ve added a few things to our house as far as that goes and asked if he liked it. Some yes. Some no. My keys were a big thing for a long time. We each have a key to the cars so I don’t know why it even mattered but he hated that my keys had so many connections and he’d remove them. So if only ever have half of my keys. Maybe both halves were in my purse but it was still frustrating to find them. He’d never put them back together- and why use my key? We used to have two keys to the car. Why could he never find his and why did he even insist on driving everywhere? Why couldn’t I drive my car if we weren’t taking his truck. I had every reason to be frustrated. And when I didn’t have my keys in my purse because he’d left the one isolated key elsewhere and I couldn’t find it because it was in his office, somewhere buried under things on the table, or on top of the refrigerator - instead of on our key hanger by the door, I’d text after searching myself and ask if he knew where he left it. He wouldn’t answer. He never answered. I’d call. He wouldn’t answer. But I needed to get to work. Or an appointment. I called or texted his buddy who works with him and asked him to have John call me when he can. He’d call immediately. About a key. 

I don’t know if he did it on purpose or not. But he never listened when I asked him to always reconnect my keys. We don’t ever use the front door anymore because my house keys are irrelevant. We use the garage. I have one single key on my one chain because he can’t stand more than that. I primarily drive our new car. He has his own key and he uses it more often than not. I still can’t connect my other keys because it feels foreign now. It didn’t at first when we got the car but again he needed my key for some reason so much of the time and even when he didn’t “why do you have all those keys?”

I have lived my life. I know that it’s frustrating to dig through my purse for the keys so I keep a bundle. I always have. It was learned behavior because my parents both have bundles. We like keychains. But after what I’ve been through with other humans it made me feel safe. I always want to be able to find my keys quickly. 

Ive been so concerned with leaving, wondering if he’s going to say I’m abusive, that I attack him via text blaming him for not knowing where my belongings are. That hadn’t even happened in years. I know he keeps his spare key on top of the fridge so I get up there and use it if I can’t find my own. I have no need for a laptop if I’m not able to work. I rarely have appointments or places to be as a Mom. But I know feeling like I need his answer, being unable to find it myself and insisting he respond - even about the financial issues or the income verification questions, it was wrong to just not wait for a response. But he literally wouldn’t respond if I waited. So many tiles I did and he’d get home and say he didn’t see the text or call. And these things were things that couldn’t wait. Sometimes he doesn’t get home until 7. I told his partner I’d be calling him when my water broke. Luckily I didn’t need to but he was more then okay with that bc he knows Husband is unreachable. He can’t reach him. His mom can’t reach him. I can’t reach him. We all work together to figure out what we need from him.

Either way, this relationship is toxic at best. It’s no example for the kids and the distrust is so deeply burned on my heart that I will always question him if he doesn’t get help. He feels that’s unreasonable but he doesn’t talk to me. He’s defensive when I ask questions. He turns it around on me. He has to have gas to drive so he puts money in the tank but somehow it’s always nearly empty. Wanting to be able to view all accounts was because I didn’t understand where our money was going. He clearly spends some on weed though he said he wasn’t. He says he only spends $25 each time I ask. Weed is not legal where I live. We have kids. We need diapers. Our electric had been shut off before though notnin about a year. He finally gave me access to view. So I know when we don’t have anything st all. I can check to see what is in his account when he tells me I need to pay for something. For instance it was his idea to go to the store for some items we didn’t necessarily need. He wanted me to pay. I said I can’t. Bills are coming out. We can’t afford this if you don’t have it. He said he’d be making more money driving that night so I should just pay. I looked st his account and there was more than enough for it so I said “you have $X in your account, you can pay.” And he did.

he thinks I’m controlling because I don’t want him telling me where to put the puzzle piece I’m holding. I get excited watching others find where the piece goes and I stay quiet. I don’t want to be told where to put my piece. For me it’s part of why I love puzzling but he wants to telll me where to put it and says the fact that I’ll only let him help the way I want help is controlling. I think he just doesn’t like boundaries. I think he only wants to help by telling me how to do something. If our fittted sheet comes off, I won’t fix it because I never fix it well enough. He says I don’t sleep right. I’m the reason the sheet doesn’t stay on. It has nothing to do with the thick mattress and mattress topper. It’s the way I sleep. Can I even help the way I sleep? Those are his words. But fixing it is futile because I don’t fix it right. It just comes right off. It comes right off when he fixes it too but it’s my fault. I literally sleep without a sheet down until he fixes it because I don’t care and I don’t want to hear it. Maybe we are both toxic. He’s clearly abusive but I am stubborn and these days I only talk to him through text. But I am not cruel. I say things he doesn’t want to hear and I’m not stupid but I’m not cruel. He’s getting ready for work. This is real. Big change. Happening today. He’s later than I thought but this will still work out. I’m turning our lives upside down.