((((hugs)))) Arfie we cannot fix other people, only ourselves mate. I know what you mean about the gaping black hole mate and I think you are doing the best you can under the circumstances. Supportive vibes while you sort, mate. Best, Manda xx

Sounds like the family you mention may not be thinking...ptsd alone can cause difficulty reflecting or impulse control or....

I respect you decision to regard your family members respectfully.... I haven't cottoned to the term toxic people myself. Sometimes the situation is like having survived a wreck together. I also support your decision to keep yourself and own family a priority.

Your comment about homesickness evoked a wry smile here. And a sigh as well. Hugs Arfie xx

In a dysfunctional family all children suffer, some mostly the older take the place of the caretakers at way to young of an age when they should.
Some siblings imitate the abusers,some get PTSD.
Sounds like you were a caring sibling taking on way more than you should have to. Old guilt of something that was not in your control?

Not trying to analyze.

I am sure my sisters suffered trauma too. They just do not want to go there. They do not want to accept what they did and did not do because they may not understand how to look at themselves in the mirror afterwards.....

I would tell them to forgive themselves IF they gave me a sincere apology but they do not....they're continuing with the dysfunction.
Its showing big time in the next generation.

Between DNA, environment, and the cosmos, we're all mentally ill, just not all diagnosed properly, I think.... Gentle support as you find your path.

Sending my love and support to you as you sort through all of your family dynamics.

My relationships,or lack of,with my siblings is confusing to me.i'm the youngest of 9.I'm a failure to them i believe.I've struggled financially and am on ssi due to mental problems.some of the older ones have seemed to do better as far as their lives go.
I do not ask for help ever,its part of how ptsd has affected me.I CANT ask for help ever with anything.i fly solo.
they are damaged in their own way i suppose as we all grew up in the same house.It seems the younger of the 9 children are doing the worse,with 4 of the youngest 5 out on disability for one reason or another.
The sadness thing..really tragic and sad..is that I dont think any of the 9 really are close or talk much to each other.There is so much hurt and just none of us learned how to communicate properly.how to love and care properly.Its so unfortunate because a large family should be a source of comfort and strength
Point im trying to make and probably doing poorly,is that sometimes I think family dysfunction and trauma leaves the whole family a mess.everyone doing their best.and i believe everyones best IS enough.Its a miracle everyone has survived it.
I'm sure your best is quite good enough and probabaly surpasses it.youve tried to help your best.Thats alot more than some can do after trauma .saying on my fridge"Be gentle with yourself"......

arfie, I don't want this to come off as glib, but some students of mine gave me the film American Sniper last night, and I managed to watch it, PTSD and all. It is a controversial film politically, but I watched it from my PTSD combat point of view.

I discussed it with those students since then, and what stood out to me was that early in the film the protagonist's father tells him that there are 3 kinds of people. They are sheep, wolves, and sheep dogs.

The protagonist died at the end of the film trying to help a fellow soldier who had PTSD and who then killed him in a psychotic episode. The protagonist was obviously one of those sheep dogs, those who try to watch over others, even at their own peril.

I'm the oldest son in my family and took care of my mom and the family during combat in my home town overseas from my age of 9-15. My dad was at home off and on, and abandoned us entirely from when I was 12-14. It turned me into a major sheep dog.

I did my best, and yet when I grew up trouble in my family continued. My family got in trouble with the law and were deported by a South American government as persona non grata and flown to Miami, told never to return. My sister married an abuser who then cheated on her and divorced her, and I was her first phone call when it happened. I did what I could, but then she began neglecting her kids dating sketchy men she met online, like an anesthesiologist convicted of drug abuse. Obvious trouble, but I couldn't fix her decisions. Still can't.

If this is irrelevant to you, please forgive me. But your desire to help family members reminded me of this. It's tough to be a sheep dog in a troubled family. You're not alone.

I meant when they should NOT. No child should have to play the part of a caretaker other than sibling love.

Arf, I think the difference with you and your family is that you have decided not to be the victim of mental illness. You have taken steps to pull yourself out of black hole. Others see you doing this and want to ride your coat tails. The family members still see themselves as victims and expect someone else to "look after them", 'help them". They have not realized they need to do the work themselves, there is no easy way out of mental illness.

You may never get out of the black hole either as some mental illnesses are not curable or fixable. Having said that I do believe there is a better quality of life if they can get by seeing themselves as a victim.

No, not thinking.
Doing this:
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Repetition_compulsion
...it just kind of takes over...

Yesterday I stated, "I am not exactly sure what is causing this round of flashbacks."

During this morming's meditation, the puppets in my head elected me "Mayor of Duhsville." Perhaps it is not that far different from the horratious round of flashbacks which plagued me through parenting. Different by a psycho tool kit?

Perhaps it is the integration of my son, daughter-in-law and grandson into the homestead my husband and I designed for two retired geezers on a fixed income. . . They closed down their San Antonio apartment at the beginning of my beloved's medical crisis (November) and moved in here. They were helpful during the medical crisis and I think I am just now getting around to processing that their presence is . . . long term? Both parents are poorly equipped for a career which can support a family. For now, they are working part-time jobs and looking for career development opportunities.

Me, too, in a way. My ongoing career development is pointing to Urban Agriculture. Bio-remediation of abandoned industrial sites is one of my personal passions. Has been since I built my first crawdad ranch as a mute child. On April 16, I am leaving for Chicago to visit a piece of that logic in the old Union Stockyard on the south side. The DIL and grandson are going with me. Neither of them have ever been out of the state of Texas.

By the merest of co-incidence, the country side which my train will be passing through is the very same neighborhood which housed my unstable childhood. I nerdatiously began cutting classes and riding the train into Chicago in Junior High.

??????????well duh?????????insert flashbacks here???????

Still sorting. . .

If you are Mayor, then I'm on town council, Arfie.

I have my retired fixed-income mom living with me, and yes, that adjustment *sux*. The boundaries issues, the "who's taking care of whom" issues ... all stil ongoing as time and circumstances change. Yep, b/c we with PTSD just looooove change. *sigh*

Gentlest healing buzz to you.

i have been here is hard road hope it all works out hugs min

My full siblings, one the sociopathic narcissist, the other PTSD from VietNam. My half-siblings...variety of things. They had to live with my father much longer than I did. Alcoholism in their line, from their mother's side, drug addiction, many different diagnoses. What I've realized is when these ass holes, all of them, need help, they call me. I need help, no time. I've let them stay here, a couple, with no happy endings. Taking, no giving. I quit.