I see grand father and I can't keep silent. Mine had two daughters. My mother who was clearly dissociated most of my life; my aunt who as I saw it abruptly moved across the country with her daughter. Then there is my sister who I know grandpa used sexually from 7 to 16. He had all these women around and evidense suggests more than one problem. So I'm one of my sister's older brothers. I was supposed to be the grand daughter he was waiting for. I don't even know what happened to me, but look here I am on this site. I live daily with torment and unresolved issues. I'm 65.
You stood up for yourself. You are admired. I admire you. Please fight this thing through. You won't be alone. There is lots of great support on this site and you need to be the person you really are. I don't even know me. But I didn't even try to start fighting for myself until 4 years ago. I'm so happy you started your struggle now. Having time is so important. It is difficult but that are lots of caring people here with similar experience to support you along the way. There is much to be happy about and I'm sure you will find d it.

It wasn't easy and it seems to get harder. The more I try the more the torment burries me but I can try I can only try really but thanks so much

Definitions of "Normal" intrigue me enough that I collect them. Wanna add your definition to my collection? My personal favorite so far is, "Normal' is a setting on a washing machine." I picked up that classic right here in this forum.

Back on topic. . .

Self-blame seems to be a pretty standard symptom of PTSD. For sure, self blame and its band of jackals whelms me so often that I have a whole drawer of my therapy tool box just to deal with it.

Ya did the best you could with what you have to work with. Keep working, Black, in itsy, bitsy baby steps. Be patient with the process. Be gentle with yourself.

"Three C's" is one of the mantras I use to calm my self-blame jackals.
I didn't Cause it.
I can't Control it.
I can't Cure it.

It's not your fault, Black. You are not alone.

Thank you so much arfie it really mean so much to me and by my normal I meant the time where I pretended that none of it happened I faked a smile and a laugh it was easier to say I was okay rather than tell the truth of what I was feeling I kept away from people that could possibly hurt me it was easier to not care about anything or anyone but it still wasn't a way for me to be living I got more depressed and I wish I had died than have to face the distruction i hade made worst

That destruction wasn't of your making. It all started way before you were born. Now you have the chance to change the family, to end the cycle of abuse, to live your own, healthy life. I'm glad you're alive, and agreed with the stuff Lilly said about bringing things into the light where there can be healing and resolution. And it's so very very hard! But you are doing it.

I'm trying it's just difficult

That is good that the truth of your story has come out. It is going to be a tough ride for awhile. Your family is going through a time of shock right now. Try to be patient. Here are a few tips you might want to try:
1). Turn disappointment into an opportunity - Look for promise, purpose and light. For there is always Hope when the storms of life look hopeless.
2). Talk to your soul- Look and search for the real truth. Read Psalms 42:5-6, "Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, For I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." Search for God's truth every day, encourage and nourish your soul. This is a solid step to finding hope and peace.
3). Keep your Eyes on the Goal- Take one problem at a time. Do not allow your emotions to take control of the day, but faithfully persevere in trusting God. Perseverance will produce strong and godly character in your life.
4). Think and Meditate on the Positive- Philippians 4:8 " Finally brothers, whatever things are true, whatever things are honorable, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise think about these things."

I think it's good that you find god to help you but I can't see him helping me he's let me down far too many times

Please do not for a moment think that it's your fault. You did not ask to be molested. You have been carrying that burden for so long and it's time face that past so that you have be healed emotionally from that. Glad to know you are in therapy. Don't stop until you feel mentally and emotionally strong enough to cope.

As for your family, I'm sorry things get more complicated. Nobody likes ugly truth. Most of the time, people prefer to sweep things under the carpet and hope that it will go away. You have the courage to speak up and that's something you should be proud of. Be kind and go gentle to yourself. Take care and be well. Praying for you. God Bless!

Thanks so much

Well telling the truth is not your fault. The fault is that of your perp. If people can't handle that it's their fault. None of this is your fault. You are the victim.

I know

You are in no way responsible for making anything "worse"...not even close. Period.

Thanks