The "positive" is easy. The whole world will stand and applaude. Mothers will be proud. Fair-weather friends will flock to all your parties. You will receive enough trophies to fill your favorite landfill.

The "negative" is a whole different bag. Even a "positive" created in a "negative" circumstance is not welcome at any of the "positive" parties.

ah, the wisdom of simplistic dualities... Either-or. On-off Good-bad. Positive-negative. Light-dark. We have shadowed the very stars with them. We are free at last and have the laws to prove it. Ain't we clever!

If there is a way to do effective therapy with simplistic dualities, I have not found it yet. Even the new and improved medications do not seem to give the advertised simplicities. Where is my on-off switch?

Yes, Netien, it is horribly frustrating. I am right there with you, wishing for the simplicity. I wish I wasn't old and ugly, too. Can I put in a bid for rich, too. The poor end of the simplicity bites.

Since my prayers of simplistic duality have still not been answered, I am resigning myself to another day of working my therapy program and accepting the "c" of my Complex PTSD.

Sure hope I see you there. I may never find a way out, but there are simple joys within. Such as meeting Netien.

Why not find another therapist with a better track record? Out of 2 years with my therapist, she only had to cancel once due to illness. I, on the other hand, cancelled a couple of times due to illness.

Yes, you need stability in therapy; we all do or why else go? And you showing that you are recognizing THAT is a positive step in self-empowerment. You've identified your core need, so why not process that need towards a more satisfying result?

A good-fit therapist is a treasure!

It is not so much I need stability in therapy but therapy to get stabilized... The first phase of therapy in complex ptsd. I am suicidal or self-destructive almost all the time.. I have to get through that before I can even think of real therapy.. I am still in an almost constant crisis. Often on the edge of suicide. They know that... and promised stabilization. But without therapy.. that is not going to happen. How much can one take?

I do not have the possibility to do some therapy-shopping but if I could it would set me back again for maybe months..

I KNOW waht you mean...i've tried to help myself with no therapy and although i made some progress is not easy at all.....and i have regress again lately or mabe reached a point that i can no longer go alone..

I made it to be able to withstand (i wouldn't call it cope)...stay put in there.It feels really really bad...but if you can see it as withstanding physical pain..it hurts but nothing is gonna happen...just have to stay put.

Yes... withstanding is the word. How brave you are you still hold on.

I actually know what physical pain is. I live with it on daily base but also with severe physical pain you do whatever you can to keep it bearable..

Thank you for reiterating your core need. Would you be comfortable in asking your present therapist for a referral to one who is not so busy?

Some other questions: Are you on meds for depression? I was depressed, suicidal, and wished for death on a daily basis until I got on Citalopram. I have OCD/chronic PTSD and was diagnosed at age 62. My psychiatrist also put me on a low dose of Gabapentin, which has been used successfully since 2000 for PTSD sufferers. Gabapentin lowers the arousal level. My brain feels the best it has ever been, thanks to those meds. Hope that gives you hope.

Also, are you taking pain meds for physical ailments, which could be triggering depression as a side effect? If so, perhaps your PCP can adjust that so give you a changed mood.

You are progressing because you are recognizing your needs and going about the process towards wellness. THAT's a big step in moving out of the pain and into wellness.

Clinical depression is biological, so I'm not making light of the feelings you are going through. If you feel it helpful, I have an easy -to-learn chart in recognizing and pulling out of depression that I use for myself--like a grid in my head--which gives me a system of recognition without having to fall so in the dark spiral. If you want, I'll work with you on that if you write me back. Might help while you are waiting for therapy to open up.

I've done pretty well this year, but I'm only 2 years down the road from where you are. It was in 2010-2011. I had to be hospitalized. I just couldn't do it any more.

Turned out in my case it wasn't all mental stuff. I had developed chronic kidney disease, which led to diabetes. I'd been under close doctors' care, but not tested for those things until I literally passed out at work. By then I was a mental mess, too, of course.

This has happened to me, as I've written here, about once a decade in my PTSD recovery. I was first hospitalized at age 13 for fainting due to massive panic attacks. I'm a survivor of sexual & family abuse and combat, like a bunch of us here.

When I've been at your point, I just had to be hospitalized. Not for a long time. For me it was just for days. I hated it; it was no vacation. But it was like pushing the reset button instead of being suicidal. Options were that few.

I don't have the answer for you, but I wanted you to know others of us here have been at the end of our rope, too, and we're still here. Like I said, I'm having a good year again now, and I know the difference between a good one and a bad one, and I know I might have a bad one and be in the hospital again some day. Whatever it takes.

You're not alone with what you call this "negative" stuff. It is what it is.

Is there any chance of being able to supliment the therapy you do have with something in addition? Like being part of an outpatient program or some in person groups. Or see a counselor that is more consistant?

It really sounds like youre in a tough spot, Im really sorry to hear that. When it starts to feel that intense, finding relief can be truly frustrating, to say the least.

In the past when Ive felt pushed so close to the edge, sometimes inpatient was the best option I had to start to get stable. Do you think maybe that could be what you need? You're safety is the most important thing.

I really, really hope you can start to feel some relief soon. You deserve to feel much better than this, to make it through this and to heal.

Please keep us posted on how you're doing.

This therapist was the only choice I had but I am on a waiting list for a more specialized therapist in Complex PTSD. It can take awhile though. Months... Likely not before this autumn or even beyond..

I am supposed to get stabilization therapy... because I am too unstable to be part of therapy for ptsd... or group therapy.. It is all in the future but far far away.

I am not on any kind of medicine. My depression is seen as normal in the given situation and even functional. I am supposed to feel this bad... it is something I can't understand. It is beyond cruel.

I am Dutch so it might be all a bit different here.

I am allowed to call them anytime. It will lead to hospitalization and the isolation room as we know it here. Solitary confinement.. Separated from this world and any kind of activity... I am not going to do that.. isolation is one of my trauma's.. I am already very isolated where I am now... It will only make it worse. It will drive me into complete insanity.

I am not on any other medication either.. and despite living in physical pain and limitations, because of illness in the past, I am actually quite healthy.

I am at the end of my strength already for months and months... Unstable and entirely desperate several times a week. It is growing worse and worse..

I have a very very good friend somewhere on the internet who is there for me when I need him. And unfortunately... that is almost all of the time. He got me through all these months of waiting... but I am getting to a point I am too tired. Too desperate and losing all hope one day it will stop...

Yes Whatsnew2day... I am progressing... I AM recognizing my needs and venting it here.. It is good to see it from that point of view... even a relief. Because speaking up, admitting, talking... is the hardest thing to do... I tend to hide. Already for so many years. But for sure learning on that matter.

And yes... that easy -to-learn chart in recognizing and pulling out of depression... to get me through this waiting time again.. I take the offer. I pm you my email address.

I thank you all for your support. And wish you all the very best too..