I have little experience to measure by, but my active imagination cannot imagine hating anyone enough to make that an easy decision or experience. Gentle support while you ride out the anniversary, Angela. Trauma anniversaries can be tough.

For what it's worth:
However unlikely the possibility of amends, the hope existed for as long as my father was alive. When he died, 1800 miles from my awareness or responsibility, it felt like the death of hope.

AngelaJo, it is OK to tell your therapist that you are not ready/able to write it out yet. Therapists do understand when more prep work is needed. I have had sessions where it appeared I was ready for the next big step, but in reality I wasn't. Calming and comforting hugs on this journey we are on together.

I am sorry for what you are going through. Take one breath at a tome and do what you can and give yourself more time for what you cant do right now.

THanks for the replies it helps to know im not alone and can always come here for support. I did end up writing it out i just finished and i am just shaking and shook up now but i know i needed to do it its just so freaking hard! Its hard to believe its been almost 6 years and not just a few days ago :(

I am glad you were able to finish writing it out. I feel sure your therapist will help you through this traumatic time.

I'm so sorry that you're hurting

End of life decisions can be really hard and painful..... The only similarity I have is that I did my dad's palliative care at home

Near the end he was getting morphine hourly and I could see that it was helping him to pass and that's hard to wrap your head around when it's your loved one

I struggled with it for quite some time afterwards and what I believe now it that he's at peace and I don't think he's really that far away just in a different realm ….

I've come to terms with the fact that we do the best we can in some really, really hard circumstances

I agree to do things at your own pace sweetie.... Gentle hug....xo

I know, I did exposure therapy, too. I had to fly back to the combat zone overseas where my car was bombed. Oh, wow!! My old college room mate went with me for support.

It worked, though, AngelaJo. Believe it or not.

Anniversaries are super hard with PTSD. Your having to make that decision to pull the plug would have been hard in the best of times. But to made that decision for your spousal abuser. My spouse abused me, too, and I hope I never have to be the decision maker for that.

Much support to you!

Thank you all. I am dealing with a lot health wise right now, i talked to my therapist on the DBT line last night she had the phone, and she told me that i need to stop feeling guilty for not being able to do stuff and if its too much therapy, DBT group, AA for that day then DONT DO IT. Guilt is a useless feeling unless you purposely hurt someone. I have psuedotumor my Dr thinks and we are treating it as such trying to do meds before a spinal tap because i have scoliosis and why put me thru that if we can treat it without doing that plus im in such chronic pain i cant function. My head never stops pounding and such pressure :( My therapist called in sick today so even though i was going to cancel i didnt have to go. They asked me to come in later this week i said no i will skip this week. I just cant right now. I am not going to dbt graduate group tomorrow if im this bad either :( How can you hate someone but miss them at the same time? My heads so confused over my late husband right now.

Hi Angela, I know how you feel. My with past away about the same time and to watch someone you care about take their last breaths is a feeling that never goes away. I too felt guilty, why her, not me? Didn't I ask the doctors the right questions? Was there other treatments we could try? Didn't help, my wife died and I still had our children to look after. I was now a single parent, something I promised myself I would never be, so in my eyes I was a failure. What changed was I learnt that blaming myself wasn't the answer I was turning myself in to a victim and her death was unfair, but I couldn't do anything about it so why take the blame. I started to listen to those around me who told be that I did anything possible to support my wife and family through the journey- more that was to be expected and I should take pride in that fact.
In other words look for the good not the negative. Guilt is negative and the only one blaming you is yourself. A hard habit to break I know but it can be done. Just need to find your own way.