This touched me.
I want to understand the process by which my family grew so toxic.... but I can feel nothing for it emotionally, I don't want to feel as they felt. Look what it led them to....

For me, I guess compassion would trump understanding. Till it comes to my sutff. Odd.

Thank you for sharing this, Arfie.

Yes. Zen IS.. Understanding is overrated and causes distress.

I have wondered that myself. I tried for a long time to understand why my brother did what he did to me. I think I finally pieced it all together. It didn't make a bit of difference in how I felt. It didn't lead to forgiveness or (for me) even compassion. It just is what it is. Now I need to understand me to move forward.

I think it is easier to just accept. You have your armor on. Those are his issues and like his dirty laundry you don't need to wash it for him.

one of the reasons i like this group is it causes me to question my own beliefs...i assumed understanding lead to compassion but now im not so sure...

i'll have to think about this more

this is a great group!

Arfie, you a very deep and complex person. Sometimes I wonder if your need to understand keeps you spinning your wheels. I agree let it be, let it be. We cannot ever understand another person fully, I think that is why we have empathy.

I will be thinking of you

Yeah, in teaching about DABDA (the five stages of grief) in my Death and Dying classes to nursing students, I say over and over than the last "A" stands for acceptance, not understanding.

I believe in the afterlife so God can assign me my own personal Wikipedia Angel to help me understand all of this stuff some day.

In the meantime, I work toward acceptance. And that's hard enough.

I have left this alone, because with the other half's family, you can only do so much. Given that their patterns are set. I was ostracized for pointing out and obvious, that they finally did see, but, still never forgave me for caring about. John's Dad and Alzheimer's, not until he was hurt a few times could they get past the image they held as kids.
By then he didn't remember them.

Back from the Lion's Den. Far from a festival but... Sometimes doing nothing is something, after all.

While I was undergoing the psychotic breaks of allowing the amnesia blocks to come back (80s and 90s) and driving myself and my family bonkers with my neurotic drive to understand, I found a particular mantra beneficial to get off that particular merry-go-round.

"Acceptance precedes understanding."

example:
You cannot understand the benefits of literacy until you accept that ABC = sounds and sounds = words.

Not sure how that fits, but I felt a need to say it.

Anyhoo, one the elephants in the in-law's living room is Huntington's Disease. The MiL has and the oldest BIL (deceased since 2007) had the violent variety, with especially awful violence if anyone dared to use the H-word in their presence. The FIL supported their denial in high fashion. I was married for 10 years before I was let in on the secret. I thought my MIL was simply meaner than a rattle snake. Even now that a series of strokes has fully disabled what was left of her motor functions, I fear her viciousness more than I can have compassion for marginal existence.

My husband tested negative and struggles with something akin to survivor's guilt.

Something approaching a miracle happened. The youngest BIL sat all of us down and told us he finally went in for the test. He has been showing symptoms for years and has opening up to my husband about it. Today he told us all that the test was positive and spoke at length about his feelings and his plans for dealing with it. Even the FIL was supportive.

Feels like a bonafide miracle to me.

In Zen to do "no thing" is often a great accomplishment, isn't it? I'd say you done good, arfie. Good for you.