Hello to all of the DS members, especially to this group.
I've missed you all very much.

Many good things have happened along the way, which is so necessary. I've graduated from my undergrad college with a BA in Political Science. I've been given the gift of being an aunt all over again with the birth of my nephew, Moses from the sister's side. I've also been given the privilege of friendship solidifying once more. I started a new job two months ago in private security but looking into other positions of security in the hospital-God willing.

I am writing because in the greatness of all things good, I've been troubled and disturbed. My brother recently moved back in two weeks ago and I don't know what to do or think of myself now. Transparently, I have no clue on how to love him when he also is the reminder of my past and pain. It just brings back all the intrusive thoughts and flashbacks that,I just don't want to deal with. Living with my parents has been helpful in allowing me to collect myself so when time comes, I can leave and maintain a living on my own. But I highly believe that my time at home has made me physically sick and very hyper-aware. A lot of concern and mystery has surrounded my thoughts and therefore, I have been acting somewhat more distant, insecure and highly anxious. My thinking is distorted and I cannot think objectively. To rely on emotions is to rely on something that is constantly changing and deeply rooted.

Father's day is today and I decided to take my father out to a restaurant. I let him take reign and dominate the flow of the time. Many discoveries I've made about my family in it's lineage of political and leadership positions in military and police. In finding out more, I've learned that there are wounds that have not healed in his heart. The loss of his father many years ago came to the surface of his eyes. However, it's strange enough to admire his patience and wisdom when I remember the la k of comfort I received from him and my mother about 4 years back. I am not confident enough to be completely open with my parents but I do not hold back if I need to be honest with them.

I've heard a saying that God allows sometimes all things to happen at once or allows them to repeat in different forms. This saying is true because both statements apply to me. I've not had the opportunity to really think because I have been on that "go go go" mode which has kept me sane and productive, but I just don't know or think that the place I've lived through hell has been beneficial in some ways.

I am unafraid of what I can do and what I can give but I don't know if I can take on more things. One day at a time is what I've learned and practiced but not these last months, though I have my days on breaking things down into smaller tasks. I wish it could be as easy to pray away the depression and anxiety disorder of PTSD but that does not come with genuine prayer all the time. My life with the Lord is sacred but I've learned a long time ago PTSD is not something you pray away. I am not a skeptic in God's power n might but I am not your common person who endured psychological injury. In latent terms, there are cases that are not common and people who may have developed or born with certain illnesses that you just can't pray away. It instills a discomfort when I am prayed for that when it doesn't happen that way. I don't think my concern is uncommon from others.

As you can see, a lot has transpired. My mind cannot comprehend and accept all things. It still seems as if it's not over. That none of the events are truly over. I am lost for words...