Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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I recently went 2 weeks ago for a research clinical study. I think I mentioned it before but this is the short version: last week, it was for the more in depth questions and repetitive also. Very exhausting afterwards.
Since that interview, I am more aware of the fact that suicidal thoughts have been for a long time, not just because of the past incidents I went through last year with my brother. Because the psychologist who did the interview found out that I had been thinking suicidal, she sent a psychiatrist to make sure that I was gonna go home and not kill myself.
It bothered me at the moment but i knew it was their protocol to do so.
What's really chewing at me right now is that I spoke to my aunt( she's really my cousin) and I texted her to let her know that I was having suicidal thoughts when my mom left out her kitchen knife when she cutting up salad and whatnot. i felt comfortable enough to do so and I trust her more than my mother.
She called me and we spoke. She wants to speak to my mom about how she feels about everything that's happened to me and my family. She has experience in the field of psychology and social work. I take her words.
When we were speaking, she mentioned at one point, " pray to God that he will take those negative thoughts from your head" and also mentioned about my sister and where she is at in life, knowingly she went through similar things that I did. Everything in the conversation was okay and understanding until she said those things.
Its a very uncomfortable position when someone mentions someone else's life and you are clearly not there. She didn't mean it with any bad intentions but that really bothered me. Then with the whole suicidal thoughts... doesn't it seem like I like to think those thoughts? Do you really think its fun feeling like you enjoy a simple day because you walk around with a cloud over your head?
My intentions is not to complain but really? Do people really understand what we feel? She knows that I know that she knows ( lots of knows) that I think this feels like forever and that she doesn't really understand my situations, my emotions. She also went through some things and they weren't easy for her either but her intent is not to minimize my pain or feelings but she wants to see me get better and not think the way I do. That's the thing. That's the thorn on my side- I can't just what i think from night to day. Then all my emotions get all unbalanced and I think that right after talking to her, that I should feel at ease but I don't, completely.
I barely had any sleep last night. Went ti the movies since the urge came and it was an early movie. I come home a while later and then when so am at the kitchen, this kitchen knife my mom uses grabs my attention and a battle inside that tells me: no! I tell her because she is one of the few support systems I have but then, at the end if the conversation, i find myself mad, tired, and embarrassed. The fact that I am being very open to her opens up parts if me that I have held in for so long and now that it is confronted, its like: boom! I was once so strong to go through all the trauma and hurt, that now that I am starting to take care of my life and do what I need to do for me, it's like I fall under the cracks. Does anyone get the way i feel?
I feel that ppl think we like the way we feel and how we think. Ppl like to step in and say " I am sorry for how you feel, its so unfair". Do they? Do they really feel sympathetic? Some maybe really do, but most don't. I don't walk around with a big grin in my face. I don't have shiny white teeth. It might be my self-pity talking but I don't have that. I have dealt with things that nobody should deal with. I know that others have gone through way worse and I shouldn't complain. But damn, after the fire is over, the only thing left are ashes...
Since that interview, I am more aware of the fact that suicidal thoughts have been for a long time, not just because of the past incidents I went through last year with my brother. Because the psychologist who did the interview found out that I had been thinking suicidal, she sent a psychiatrist to make sure that I was gonna go home and not kill myself.
It bothered me at the moment but i knew it was their protocol to do so.
What's really chewing at me right now is that I spoke to my aunt( she's really my cousin) and I texted her to let her know that I was having suicidal thoughts when my mom left out her kitchen knife when she cutting up salad and whatnot. i felt comfortable enough to do so and I trust her more than my mother.
She called me and we spoke. She wants to speak to my mom about how she feels about everything that's happened to me and my family. She has experience in the field of psychology and social work. I take her words.
When we were speaking, she mentioned at one point, " pray to God that he will take those negative thoughts from your head" and also mentioned about my sister and where she is at in life, knowingly she went through similar things that I did. Everything in the conversation was okay and understanding until she said those things.
Its a very uncomfortable position when someone mentions someone else's life and you are clearly not there. She didn't mean it with any bad intentions but that really bothered me. Then with the whole suicidal thoughts... doesn't it seem like I like to think those thoughts? Do you really think its fun feeling like you enjoy a simple day because you walk around with a cloud over your head?
My intentions is not to complain but really? Do people really understand what we feel? She knows that I know that she knows ( lots of knows) that I think this feels like forever and that she doesn't really understand my situations, my emotions. She also went through some things and they weren't easy for her either but her intent is not to minimize my pain or feelings but she wants to see me get better and not think the way I do. That's the thing. That's the thorn on my side- I can't just what i think from night to day. Then all my emotions get all unbalanced and I think that right after talking to her, that I should feel at ease but I don't, completely.
I barely had any sleep last night. Went ti the movies since the urge came and it was an early movie. I come home a while later and then when so am at the kitchen, this kitchen knife my mom uses grabs my attention and a battle inside that tells me: no! I tell her because she is one of the few support systems I have but then, at the end if the conversation, i find myself mad, tired, and embarrassed. The fact that I am being very open to her opens up parts if me that I have held in for so long and now that it is confronted, its like: boom! I was once so strong to go through all the trauma and hurt, that now that I am starting to take care of my life and do what I need to do for me, it's like I fall under the cracks. Does anyone get the way i feel?
I feel that ppl think we like the way we feel and how we think. Ppl like to step in and say " I am sorry for how you feel, its so unfair". Do they? Do they really feel sympathetic? Some maybe really do, but most don't. I don't walk around with a big grin in my face. I don't have shiny white teeth. It might be my self-pity talking but I don't have that. I have dealt with things that nobody should deal with. I know that others have gone through way worse and I shouldn't complain. But damn, after the fire is over, the only thing left are ashes...
Even here we can't exactly know the pain and difficulties of each other, or how much of a struggle someone else has. We know our own pain and so we sympathize based on our own varied experiences.
Your concern about suicidal ideation, trying not to think of something often seems to make it impossible not to. Works better to find a substitute train of thought than to focus on not thinking something.
Only you understand if your ideation is serious, an actual possibility of being acted on. If you have doubts that it isn't just part of your current negative swirl than please please call one of the suicide hotline numbers the DS lists:
USA: Hopeline (Suicide): 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
USA: Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-8255)
Because they have so much experience dealing w/ this issue they might able to provide you w/ much more targeted knowledge of how to evaluate what you are going through right now.
You are sincerely working toward your recovery, and we all feel at times like or strength fails us. I want you to not feel ashamed about feeling negative or feel that a happier life is beyond your reach.
What is that quote Arfie uses sometimes: Success is getting up one more time than we are knocked down.
Wishing you hope and more mental comfort.
I think if you tried speaking with a professional, someone who isnt emotionally invested, you will have a better experience.
In my short life so far I have really confided in people I felt close to. Just opened up all of myself for them. And it never ended well. I lost a lot of people that I didnt have to, because I was so intense.
Its not that they dont feel sympathy necessarily, they could really feel for your or my situation. But they dont want to lose you or see you in pain, which makes this stuff very hard to listen too. Thats where you get comments thrown out there like praying. Even if they are a psychologist or something similar by trade, everything changes once its personal.
Take it from someone who has driven nearly everyone away and now lives incredibly lonely.
Besides a professional has your best interest in mind always and isnt clouded by emotions. And they have answers / understanding about everything happening around you and where youre at, unlike people who arent trained or educated. If there are any in person support groups near you that can also be helpful. I know that embarassed/frustrated feeling your mentioning after these conversations with people around you. Its another reason I stick to confiding in my therapist, that feeling doesnt happen because there isnt a relationship there to complicate.
On top of that, usually people wont understand unless they have been through -something- themselves. Im starting to notice there are two kinds of people in the world. Those who have seen harsh reality and somehow lived it and can see that people do really end up in these situations and understand. And then people who have never experienced anything truly bad, and only know of these disorders and other harsh realities as bad things that happen in movies and books, not to real people.
Also as far as your sister dealing with her life successfully, or seemingly successfuly, dont worry about comparing yourself. Its a shallow comparison that your aunt made. I dont know if theres an age gap between you and your sister. But each person experiences trauma differently. No to family members experience growing up the same way. Also just looking like they are successful and put together doesnt actually mean they are. I used to always get mad because while I was seeing doctors and therapists and hospitals all the time she was living on her own just fine. Always got A+ and honors. Now, however, shes become more of a narcissist and her problems are greater and will last longer now than mine will because she wont face them like I have.
Uh so that was an oddly organized response but hopefully something I said will help.
I truly wish you start to feel relief soon
Twilightstar, thank you for understanding me. It's not the best feeling in the world when you have lost friends and they don't understand why you changed or why you stopped speaking to them. I "get" you.
When my aunt said that, i know she didn't mean it any personal way. You are right. Therapists and other psychologists give things from a different perspective which doesn't make you feel any way embarrassed nor frustrated. I thought I was the only one who felt that way. When you go through those feelings, it makes you lonely and you think that God is angry when you act out. I forget the mercy and love God has towards me at those moments.
There are ppl like that. When I have mentioned to certain ppl I have PTSD, they are like " what is that?" You just made think of ppl who have been through things that are similar in our situations and never have thought of themselves as having PTSD. Immediately when they hear PTSD, they think likes its a disease and the person is told that they need to "rebuke" it in the name of Jesus. I don't criticize them but I understand why they think they way they think. Its funny when you mention about my sister. You are totally right about her. She experienced things much more differently than me. When i think about her, she always had to play the strong card in front of me, even though she said that she knew she had something like ptsd.
It was wrong from my aunt to say that. I understood her intentions because she doesn't want me to think or act negative. I totally get your direction. Your words brought me comfort and made me realize that I am not alone and no matter how I reach or experience things, nobody experiences the same trauma or hurts the same. That's something that my sister didn't really get or understand about me. Thanks.
It has become more of a real reality that I can possible think of doing something like that to myself, ever since last week. I haven't reached to that perception or mindset you have. I was taught to believe that suicide is a sin (still believe wholeheartedly) but I get what you are saying. Actions v. thoughts
You are right about my aunt. She doesn't really know much about the research about PTSD and abuse. I can see how it connects in my head but it is not a firm thought, if you understand what I am saying. i am glad to know that I am not alone in my thoughts...
I would like to say thank you but i am still in disbelief.
I hope you are feeling somewhat better just by being able to write how you feel here and have the concern of others here for you.
Not everyone is capable of empathy, and even those who are vary to degrees, and some are going through struggles that limit them in their ability to respond in the ways that we need.
I read through your post and the replies, and the thought that is prominent to me is from post 2 by twighlightstar: she wrote:
In my short life so far I have really confided in people I felt close to. Just opened up all of myself for them. And it never ended well. I lost a lot of people that I didnt have to, because I was so intense.
Its not that they dont feel sympathy necessarily, they could really feel for your or my situation. But they dont want to lose you or see you in pain, which makes this stuff very hard to listen too. Thats where you get comments thrown out there like praying. Even if they are a psychologist or something similar by trade, everything changes once its personal. Take it from someone who has driven nearly everyone away and now lives incredibly lonely.
I have to say, this same phenomenon has happened to me, and it is compounding my hurt, not to have old friends to do fun things and feel comfortable to be around me because I thought they cared and were understanding and I shared my emotional and mental health or relationship or substance abuse struggles with them, and then lost them. I have often felt I needed more than a counselor, sometimes I didn't have the finances to go to counseling. What i find is happening is that I am overwhelmed with problems, feelings, situations, and I think I have overwhelmed other people on the outside of the therapeutic boundary line when I have entrusted them with my heart. ....and they book. ...and that hurts, and then I feel even worse, because if I had not thought they were not safe and trustworthy to share with, I would have never shared in the first place and risked abandonment. Even in 12 step groups, I have seen this happen. I think that support groups, counselors, therapists are the best place for us to seek help and "spill our beans" and sites such as this one, because when we do have improvement, and we are ready to get back out there in society, we don't want to have burned bridges and have fears of awkwardness and discomfort from other people out there who are not in a position to help knowing our most private issues. Then there comes the fear of being gossiped about, because people are people, they are not bound by their license to practice to keep your confidentiality.
I think our society is really lacking in groups and places that people feel safe to come together for their healing from all of these life traumas. So far, DS is the best alternative that I have found.
I just wanted to share with you because of the situation with your aunt, because I have had many friends and relatives who I reached out to, but obviously, it was too much information for them, and having people repeatedly run the other way because they can't support us in our troubles, and they are not capable of compassionate listening, non-judgment and empathy really adds salt to our already throbbing wounds. And this is just one small way to learn to protect ourselves from adding to being hurt more, and sparing ourselves that pain by reaching out to the most appropriate sources of helpful listeners, therapists and counselors.
Also, I want to share, that I think we have a slight disadvantage using a website compared to being a LIVE support group, because it is easy to lose meaning when reading, and we cannot get the whole big picture from the body language, facial expressions and gestures, timing of speech with one another. So, as much as we have the intention to be caring and understanding, sometimes the medium of writing for support brings challenges of its own. It is something for us to be aware of so we don't take it personal if sometimes, we are feeling like people are not replying or as supportive or understanding as we would desire, sometimes it is just one of the limitations of using the internet as our media instead of being live face to face support with one another.
I am glad you are continuing to seek help, and keep trying through all the difficult times you experience. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.