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I posted already that I got stuck in St Anthony, MN by accident on vacation visting a friend just when a police involved shooting blew up the community and caused a national scandal.  If you've missed all the excitement, the NY Times showed up at their church my friends and I went to here in St Anthony right across from the police station, took a picture of me with my friend, and printed a story about it.  Here's the link.  I'm the guy in the picture with the wristwatch on and his head in his hands.  My head was about to explode from PTSD flashbacks that won't quit and it still is.  

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http://mobile.nytimes.com/2016/07/11/us/slain-officer-michael-smiths-church-in-dallas-calls-for-healing.html

The PTSD trouble inside my head has going on since I got here Friday. Sunday after church when that photo was taken the lady in the photo, the wife of my host, told me to shut up after church about how it triggered my PTSD because it was too "heavy" for her.  I know.  So I've tried, but it's not so much a remembering thing as a PTSD reliving thing.

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I survived an incident when an officer put his gun to my head when I was 15.  It was overseas when I was growing up abroad, so it's not about racism or police in the US.  It's about that he pulled the trigger twice, and lucky for me, the gun jammed twice.  I peed my pants, he thought that was funny, so he let me go and live.  

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I post about it often here because what won't go away is the sound of the trigger pull twice right by my ear.  It's a horrible dry, metallic, "chink" sound that came from the gun instead of the sound of gunshot.  I know I should celebrate getting that sound as a miracle twice instead of a gunshot sound, I know.  But I can't.  

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It scared the pee out of me, literally, and now every time I have a flashback about it my body feels its terror, not just my mind.  I wear Depends, those adult diapers, because when a flashback scares me I pee a little in fear like I did back when it really happened.  So I have peed myself a little every day in those Depends adult diapers because the flashbacks cause me to pee before I can get to a restroom.  I threw my Depends away every day at my hostess's house in secret so she won't see them and my revealing them won't create another conversation about how "heavy" I am.  Since that officer pulled the trigger on that gun to my head twice back when, I've led a humiliated life from the big ideas in my head right down to the little things on the other end of my body, in my toilet habits.  And I'm going crazy from it right now away from the safety of my own dingy apartment.

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I came for vacation but I'm really tired.  I can't get to sleep at night, I'm away from home and walking on eggshells around my host's wife in the house.  Out of the house everywhere you go you either drive by protesters from here at the police station, or you drive by mourners at the site of the shooting.  All the houses on the block have a protest sign up about it, including the one where I'm staying.  The very same hostess who got mad at me for talking about how it triggered me on Sunday planted the sign in her yard about it the same day.  She doesn't get PTSD triggers like me and doesn't realize how hypocritical that was.  Last night at bed time, after I managed not to bring it up all day, she announced to her husband that she wanted to "pray for me."  So I couldn't get to sleep because when she decided to "help" me she triggered me some more.  Go figure.

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To get away from it I got my host took me to his work today and out ot lunch with some University of Minnesota scientist colleagues of his just now.  We talked about their research, fascinating stuff.  

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But I couldn't avoid the triggery topic of the shooting because two of the scientist friends live in St. Anthony also.  The shooting happened just down the street from one of them.  It's inescapable as a topic. Sigh.  I care deeply about the justice issue, but I'm getting headaches from the relentlessness of my PTSD not obeying me when I hit the off switch after others bring it up as they're naturally going to do and I have another chill down my spine and pee in my Depends a little.  But if I talk about it my hostess blames me for being the one who is "heavy."

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That literal actual trigger sound of that gun the officer held to my head keeps triggering me.  The man here was shot by an officer and an officer tried to shoot me.  My triggering is literally directly related.  I'm losing my mind as I keep peeing my Depends trying to weather the flashbacks under these repressed circumstances.  

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I leave tomorrow, and I hope I don't pass out from a PTSD panic episode like I've done 3 times in the past.  I can hide peeing my pants a little with Depends, but I can't hide fainting.  I did it in front of my current boss in 2011, and it was humiliating.  Others wouldn't quit talking about it, and since I was knew the head of Human Resources came to me and asked if I could work there or if I needed to leave and get on disability.  I've hung on for 5 years now, I'm proud to say.  But When I can't let the stress out I eventually have that kind of breakdown.  I hyperventilate, I can't breathe, and I faint and this pressure cooker situation is leading me to pee my Depends in fear that I'll faint.  Go figure.

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Please pray for me that I can make it to tomorrow and get on my plane for home at 4:20pm Wednesday July 13th.  It's an hour by hour job for me to get by right now.  I'm white knuckling it and it's scaring the pee out of me.  Help welcome.