Hi guys, 

im reaching out for support for this week, especially for Thursday. Thursday I have a follow up with the jaw doctor to get results of different scans. Out of all the doctors appointments this is one of the hardest. It’s soooooo hard to keep it together & be in the present when discussing my jaw issues. I just keep getting flashbacks of horrible stuff. I was honest in my consultation & told a lot about what happened & my situation. I was really honest & told him as much as my trying to stay present & remember. This is the same doctor that I went into a spiral after I read the print up of the consultation & saw it all printed up in words.... a lot of it seeing it written out triggered me ..... ‘sustained trauma to jaw due to violence & sexual abuse’ ...... I don’t know, I can literally feel myself trying to switch off as Im writing this. 

Im scared for a lot of reasons to go to this appointment on Thursday. 

more TW TW TW TW - this is just a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of my story 

Here it is end of November & its a very trigger time of year. It was in the month of November (end of November) is when I escaped my ex & he tried to murder me. I almost died, escaped within an inch of my life. It was hell for a long time up until then , but the night I escaped was the night he really really snapped. I remember the look in his eyes when he told me ‘you are going to die tonight’ 

It was hell.... hours of torture & .... 

after being beat up & abused & ........... he took a bandana & put it over my mouth & kept covering my nose with his hands while he was on top of me. I kept trying to push his hands off my nose & move the bandana off my mouth.   because he was trying to keep me pinned on the ground on my back trying to keep the bandana in my mouth & his hands over my nose all at the same time & I was trying so hard to do anything to get away & kept moving the bandana away from my mouth he started getting really mad. He got up to get something & I darted up & tried to get away. He caught up with me & pinned me down more & started shoving more bandanas in my mouth & choking me & just horrible stuff as he kept repeating ‘you are going to die tonight’ 

same thing I kept struggling so hard to get away, he said ‘that’s it!’ & grabbed me (he was much bigger than me) & threw me in the bathroom. Threw me on the floor. Still saying over & over ‘you are going to die tonight’ I’m getting chills as I write this, especially for some reason as I’m writing the words he kept saying. I’m going to get up a take a few breaths ....... 

okay just got up & took some breathes, got a cold cup of water to try to bring me back a little & lit a candle.

.....I’m going to try to finish this post. 

 ..               Once he threw me in the bathroom on the floor & he started running the bathtub. I was sitting on the floor with him standing over me keeping me pressed on the side of the bathtub. Once the tub started filling up with water, he threw me in. I tried to jump out but he grabbed me & threw me down. He started pushing my head under the water & trying to drown me. I tried to jump out again & he threw me down  & now he’s standing over me. He took his leg & stepped down on my chest so my back is on the bottom of the tub, when he pushed his leg down & stepped on my chest harder my body slid back more towards were the water was coming out of the faucet. He kept taking his foot and pushing up & down, & every time he pushed it down all the way, my back would hit the bathtub floor & my head would be completely covered with water & I couldn’t breath. I remember when I tried really hard to get up or push myself back up so I could breath , my head would come up & slam into the facet with running water that was just above my head. As this was happening the phone started ringing & he totally froze for a minute. I got my head above water, heard the phone ringing & saw him frozen up & looking over towards where the phone was ringing. At that very moment, like survival mode or something, I jumped up out of the tub & went to run towards the door. At the moment that he realized I jumped out of the tub & tried to run towards the door, he grabbed my arm to stop me. But because I was drenched with water my arm slipped rite out of his hands & I bolted out that bathroom. I’ll never forget bolting out of that bathroom as my wet arm slipped out of his grip, i ran down the hall as fast as I could & then had to run down these stairs towards the last door that lead outside. He was rite behind me, I bolted down those stairs, slammed open that door at the bottom of the steps that was thank God actually unlocked at 3 am & bolted through that door & just ran & ran. I was completely naked, drenched with water & so beaten & bloodied & bruised. & I ran block after block like that & ran up to a house & rung the doorbell for help. It was 3 in the morning, like I said I was completely naked, wet & beat up & bloody. In my head I was thinking oh my what are these people going to think if they open the door & see me like this, but I was still in survival mode I think. I knocked on the door a bunch of times & no one answered & I was so scared, I opened the door & it was unlocked so I actually went in. The house was dark & quite & there was a soft nightlight at the bottom of these stairs. I went down the stairs & saw a desk with a computer & a phone plugged into the wall on the side of it. I used the phone, called my cousin a couple times till she picked up. I told her what street I was on & she was going to come & get me. I told her that I was naked so she said she would meet me at the end of the street, I left that house ran down the street & waited in the bushes until she came down the street & flashed her car lights & I ran into the car, where she had a blanket & a change of clothes for me. To this day I still can’t believe that door was open & that no one in that house woke up when I came in & used the phone. 

Im starting to cry rite now, I think I’m going to stop writing about this. There’s so much more to this story, especially the fact that I was stalked after this, my ex wanted to finish the job & I had to hide in motels all beat up & hoping my wounds would get better & oh my gosh .... just soooo much more but I’m going to have to be done writing about this for now. 

This post so didn’t go close to any direction i knew it was going to. 

Im having a really hard time.

If anyone read this all, I don’t even know what to say .... thank you ...I’m sorry

.... I’m shutting down rite now 

im going to try to go breath.