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Tw? Idk let’s go with It just in case

MarahIdellCatLuvr
MarahIdellCatLuvr

My soon to be ex was a monster today. He’s made threats and he’s been passive and cruel here and there but today it was many things - all “digital abuse”


Calling me crazy is one thing.


Denial is nothing new. 


He says I must have heard that from the voices in my head. I don’t hear voices.


He said thanks for being a four letter C word


And then just pure harassment accusing me of the very things I told him was the reason I’d made a certain decision - bc he won’t communicate with me. He’s accusing me of not communicating with him but I do. 


My lawyer has so many screenshots 


Threats


Insults


Namecalling


He says he needs help and is going to get help - several times 


Apologies for assaulting me


Blaming me, his brothers death and missing an appointment for his assault on me


But this is the only type of proof I have.


 I also have screenshots of him withholding information I should have - like how did the kids hurt their head/lip/arm. One came home wildly fussy with a head bruise. It’s valid for me to ask what happened and how much longer I should watch for signs of concussion. They’re toddlers. They don’t know how to tell us they’re dizzy 


its this sort of thing and more that caused me to say he needs supervised visitation.


its not court ordered but he refuses to talk about it so I went through his mom. She’s going to keep them several hours every other Saturday and some Sunday’s and invite him over. I no longer need to do anything until our lawyers figure things out. If he asks to face time I’ll do it just as I always do but I’m done talking to him. 


I’m so ?anxious? and really mad st myself for not having s friend to call and not knowing how I feel.


 I’m moving tomorrow and should be sound asleep by now. But I’m mad. It feels like I should do something or call someone and I don’t know what or who. I reached out and I don’t know what I expected but whatever it was, it’s not what I got.


 I so badly want to isolate. 


This season is so ugly

Doo.
Doo.
He sounds like a real treat! Typical abuser. It is very good you are getting away from the ****
MarahIdellCatLuvr
MarahIdellCatLuvr
It’s hard to wrap my mind around that. Even though I can call him abusive he’s also a really fun Dad. I’m not even sure what I’m feeling. It’s not self doubt. I have proof that he’s actuslly said the things he says he hadn’t and not said the things he says he has. I have proof that he knows he’s done terrible things. Even if it’s not enough for a judge, it’s enough for me to know that yesterday’s harassment was all lies and still I’m anxious? Angry? I don’t know what. And that definitely makes me feel angry!
arfie
arfie
Ouch. Domestic tit-for-tat sucks. Any name you can call, I can call meaner. . .

Steadying support while you work through the gory details. The Ex-waltz is an abusive cultural tradition for everybody, especially the young children.
Community Leadermujicaptsd
mujicaptsd
During my divorce, Marah, I saw a monstrous side of my ex I'd never seen before. Twice I saw her just go berzerk. First, the day I asked her to leave our home because she got violently out of control abusive. Second, in front of the judge in court when she staged another violent nutty and was dragged out of the courtroom by the bailiff while she was still screaming and shouting.

Fortunately, I got the right lawyer to deal with all of that for me. I was devastated and confused at meeting the monster in my ex, especially since she knew how painful abuse was to me. We'd met in a face to face support group, after all.

Divorce is as powerful as death in terms of how it challenges people and can bring out repressed parts of them folks can no longer push down. I'm proud the test showed I had no abuser in me. Divorce was a total test for me, and it took years for me to recover from it. So what it revealed about me I could trust to be true. My PTSD recovery was such that there was no "hurt people hurt people" in me any more.

Much support to you as you go through this test, my friend. May it prove the good results of your own recovery in the end, too.
MarahIdellCatLuvr
MarahIdellCatLuvr
Arfie, I don’t think I understand what you’re saying. I do not call him names. I only talk to him as it pertains to parenting or costs of parenting or health of the kids or hey wanna see them ever? Let’s grt you time with them. I’m not on his level
Community Leadermujicaptsd
mujicaptsd
Marah, I lived through what you say when you wrote here " Even though I can call him abusive he’s also a really fun Dad." I put my spouse through grad school to be a great special ed teacher who was wonderful with special needs kids, and then monstrous toward me.

The contradiction was hard for me to handle, because I knew both were true. In my case I learned that I had chosen to overlook the unresolved serious issues my spouse had with parents, issues that turned on me once they were dead and gone.

Lots of support to you as you grapple with the paradox, it's all too familiar. You're not alone.
MarahIdellCatLuvr
MarahIdellCatLuvr
Thank you
arfie
arfie
Sincere apology, Marah. My bad.
Kate1976
Kate1976
Marah, sending you support. I too have dealt with an ex who was versed in gaslighting. I joked he could convince a person the sky was really green. I left him almost four years ago. We have 3 children, and he chronically makes coparenting a challenge and tries to make my life more difficult. From my perspective, I think it is great you are learning to recognize reality when he tries to convince you otherwise. I also viewed my ex as fun Dad. With healing, I am seeing the flaws I ignored when we were together. His inability to take a sick kid to the doc. His constant “joking” and making fun of them. He’s the only one who finds it funny. Wishing you continued strength as you heal.
patti22
patti22
Coparenting...that WAS the joke. The only rule my ex had for the kids was not to go into his bedroom, nor to ever wake him up before noon. My daughter would be the only one up in the morning...not know what she was allowed to eat, with nothing to do but read...and even five years later, it's sad to hear her talk about it.

Luckily she liked to read, and still likes to read.
Doo.
Doo.
I would definitely say calling you the C word is abusive. When anyone puts down another person, it is abusive. IMO.

My x had MANY great qualities. He was honest, extremely funny, easy going, yadda. But, he was still verbally abusive and neglectful and it killed my self-esteem.

It sounds like you are moving in the right direction with the divorce. Luckily mine was amicable until he started seeing my best friend.
Community Leadermujicaptsd
mujicaptsd
Isn't it weird, Doo, how somebody can have all of those good qualities and still kill our self esteem, too? I have to say my ex was like that, was somebody I'd recommend as a friend or a coworker to anyone still.

Yet the marriage was simply abusive. I can't explain the contradiction, and in the end I realized it was just not mine to explain. I had to accept the paradox for what it was, and take care of myself. Hope that helps, Marah.
MarahIdellCatLuvr
MarahIdellCatLuvr
I’m sorry for all you guys have been through but glad you’ve gone before me on this. It’s comforting to read that others have been through this. I think it makes it easier for me to trust that I am not crazy and remember that I have nothing to explain to anyone
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