Three little words....you wanted it....are remarkable. On the surface, they have no power, and yet...

I've had the words said to me too...all of my life.

I now think of the words as a Red Flag. When someone says that of another person...it's almost a guarentee that the person talking is an abuser. As soon as "he/she wanted it" becomes an explanation...all abuses are possible.

****

Reality check. I don't care if my kids are "asking for it or not"...I'm not going to beat them. I parent, the way I parent...because of who I am...not because of their actions/words or what they "ask for" or not.


***
Character/ being a good person....isn't about being nice when others are nice to us. Character is about being a good person, when we're given every reason to hurt someone else, we have the ability, and the means, and we'd not only get away with it, but be rewarded for it.

Put another way, "the devil made me do it" or "spare the rod, spoil the child" ...are NOT excuses.

***

My opinion, the people saying "you asked for it"...are NOT good people. I don't care what they look like from the outside, I don't care what kind of car they drive, I don't care what the pictures look like on facebook. I wish bad karma on NO ONE, but at the same time, I have seen many of such people's lives collapse like a house of cards.

It's best to put distance between myself and such people. I have never regreted being far, far away when it all fell apart. When it falls apart, they're not the kind to take responsibility. They're the kind to cast blame on whomever is within reach.

Patti, your statement "I wish bad karma on no one" suggests that you acknowledge Karma exists- yet you have stated that you don't "believe" in Karma. In any case, sending bad energy towards someone is dangerous and often has a reverse effect. If we hold onto bitterness and rage, if we identify as being a "victim" we keep ourselves in a dark space. Acceptance is the answer which brings inner peace, and realizing that the cruelty others wield is their own pain surfacing. When we have understanding, we stop suffering.

Thank you Patti.
Stormy i disagree we're human is a wide spectrum of emotions which protect us. Anger is the backbone of healing and IF not mis-directed it can be a very powerful energy for good. Most human rights, women rights, children rights have been won through the power of anger at injustice.

We're human, its not my thought or words that matter is my actions.
I do wish the people responsible for so much suffering when i was a child the worse. The bible says an eye for an eye. I would not enforce that and risk going to jail, but i do hope they pay dearly by life. Cause its not going to be me.

People who claim some of us have "victim mentality" are really victim blaming. Because you are no longer a victim once you are out of the situation. I am not a victim once i left home at 17 for good.

Yet i am diagnosed with PTSD as the result of the abuse. many people like to judge us saying our SYMPTOMS of PTSD are us being a "victim" its not they are the actually biological symptoms of PTSD not "victim mentality".

Oh the relationship between Thoughts and Actions.

Ya know, where the rubber hits the road....actions are what matters. If you think of raping me...but never even talk to me...that's a good thing. We ALL have negative thoughts now and again. I nursed both my kids. I can tell you for certain that babies have feelings. When they're angry...they bite.

In the natural order of things, kids first learn to control their behaviors, then they learn to modulate their feelings.

Anger is one thing. Giving oneself an hour, a day, or even a week to just be PISSED. And then getting past it.

In a way (irony), I think of ANGER as the woman in the Buddhist story of the Woman and the River. Buddhist monks aren't supposed to touch women (sexism...okay, I won't go there). The women needs help crossing the river (more sexims...bad patti). The older monk picks her up and carries her across. (Is angry for a period....??) Then puts her down (lets the anger go) and continues his travels.

The younger monk is scandalized by the older monk's behavior and keeps thinking about it. (Moralizing? Because Anger is a BAD emotion. It isn't "emotionally healthy". One is supposed to always forgive....)

Who can't let it go? The person who was angry for a few hours and vented in a safe place about it? Or the person who insists that one is NEVER supposed to feel those feelings?

****

Anyway....maybe Balance? Thoughts do matter, but actions matter far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far more? My two cents. ***hides from shower of coins thrown back at me*** I think too much. I really, really do. My kids call me on it. And somehow love me anyway.

****

THIS WHOLE POST needs to be read in a very small voice...not a loud yelling or moralizing one. It's JUST my views...and just things to perhaps think about. The day that I have all the answers, I'll save the world. ....but I'm not holding my breath.

Kausad, you wanted it is just one key component of the blame game at work. Harm is done, someone is responsible, but it must be you, or else it would be me, and I don't want to be responsible for that. Once a family puts in play, or inherits, the blame game, and a target is picked, not much changes. I was the scapegoat in my family of origin, so I finally learned what it is about. Actually learned at 8 or 9 when I went from school directly to my weekly girls club meeting. Arrived home to mother furious about something done that afternoon. Made the mistake of saying, but I wasn't here. That led to being called a liar and punished anyway. I always admitted if I did something, but had 2 siblings who would both blame their actions on me. Didn't see any upside to fighting the system. Did become an advocate for fairness and underdogs. In our 60's, my younger sister finally owned up to how she and my brother worked together on that deal. I hear your anger at the unfairness that was placed upon you. Therapy was a big help to me. Comforting hugs.

Thank you both Patti and SimpsonsOK you hit the nail in the head. I too was the scapegoat Sim.......So sad you went through that. <3

Yep, I was the designated scapegoat in my family, too. Then we didn't speak for 8 years, and during that time they finally got caught doing their family shenanigans and were deported from their country in South America for what they'd done.

Guess what? I later found out they still blamed me in absentia, and I didn't even know about it. They told folks that I had called in a tip on them.

First, I didn't. Second, if they were innocent, what tip could have brought the authorities down on them? It wasn't just that country's authorities, US authorities and their own church authorities reaffirmed the decision in two other separate investigations.

But their habit of keeping to the script of having a family scapegoat did not even change in the face of facts proven three times over. That's how deeply dysfunctional family can become, at least in the case of mine. It's from a mentally ill approach to identity. For them to acknowledge my real identity, they would have to acknowledge theirs has been false all these years. For them that's like asking them to commit suicide, so they will defend against the fraud for which they were convicted against all proof. It's not factual or rational behavior.

Wow Muji in different circumstances you just describe what i am living through with these very toxic malignant people. They tell each other i'm dangerous.
I have a clean record, i have NEVER in my life hurt anyone, i have lived alone in isolation pretty much since i'm 17.
I never married i never had children, i have never gotten in any kind of trouble addictions NOTHING.

ALL their children have serious problems one had an addiction problem and hanged himself. These same people that have done so much harm to ME mostly but to their children too because they are extremely emotionally
abusive.

They deny that too because they really either do not understand what emotional abuse is or pretend not too. Maybe they think that is how human interactions happen because they do not know what HEALTHY human interactions are.

Its mind blowing the level of toxic pathology of these people that a lot of us were unlucky enough to have been born into.

mindblowing!

Well, that's obviously extremely fucked up beyond belief. You are being scapegoated out. People and communities will ban together to blame the abused and call her the "bad" one. You've been through so much hell. Can you call childline or a crisis center? You might be able to get into a domestic violence shelter and get away from them..

I know, mindblowing's the word, kaisad. Sorry you can relate so much, on the one hand, but glad you can relate in the sense that you know you're not alone in this. For me, getting away from them was key, not trying to change them--changing my availability to them.

I took the first chance I got, I was 17 and hadn't even finished my high school exams that were 4 months ahead of me still. A college president visited my folks, and I asked him to get me into his college asap and he did. I started college in January, in mid year, just to get out of a toxic home to safety.

What are your circumstances?

Thank you Colorfulhuggs i have always been the scapegoat. I am not in a position to go anywhere but i do not really live in the same house with them.
I live alone but sometime the text or call me and its always horrible. I can not stand even to hear their voices.

Thanks Muji,
Not in a good circumstances although could be much worse. I am alone you know where. I have no access to medical or anything though and zero support.

Did I miss an account you've posted about how you've come to be back where you are again? I'm just asking so as to understand how to support you. Whether it's in getting out of the situation or getting through it somehow. If I'm lagging behind on the facts of your current location, please forgive me. But fill me in so I can get behind one strategy of support or the other, ok?

I pulled the trick at 17 as a missionary kid stuck in a bad situation abroad of taking the opportunity of a college president's visit to my family so as to ride his coat tails back to the USA to "go to college" at mid year to escape the danger I was in. That's why I'm asking, even at 17 with 5,000 miles between me and safety I managed to pull off an escape. You never know if you might, too.

I did leave at 13 and 17 for 45 years. Now i am stuck in the same place no money no friends no nothing...there is really NOTHING that can be done but endure.

Yes i puled that trick at 13 and 17 alone first i moved to NYC with 100 on my pocket and lived there or 6 years and then to Hawaii with 150 and lived there 25.........things are not dooable now. I am totally stuck in the same shithole where everything happen. There are no words i can express of how much i hate it here. .Thanks.