Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
I've recently been learning about childhood abuse and PTSD.
For years I half-believed friends and family who told me I was mentally ill. Then I got some counseling and found out that I was actually healthy mentally, that the emotional chaos in my life is something people go through when they are subject to stress they can't handle.
Then some buried childhood memories began surfacing...a brutal and abusive father who beat the family dog so severely at times she had to stay in the basement because she could not climb the stairs...a mother who stayed drunk most of the time and never gave me affection...traumatic abuse by a sister who terrorized me when I was very young by sneaking into my room late at night, disguising her voice, and threatening me in the dark. No one believed that little boy who said there was a dark figure who terrorized him late at night.
At school I got beat up a lot because I was weak and sickly and who knows why else. As I moved up to sixth through eighth grade, I became the favorite target of a psychopath who endlessly tormented me. Within a year after graduation, he wound up in a federal penitentiary after he got caught kidnapping and torturing little boys. I remember he used to stab me a lot with sharp things and leave deep puncture wounds.
I had more trauma as a young adult, just when I was getting out of the bad stuff and starting to have a life. I wound up having a psychotic break where I kept thinking I had died and gone into Hell and demons were tormenting me. I had severe flashbacks for years and years after that. For a long time I had to sleep on the floor in my clothes because getting undressed and sleeping in a raised bed made me feel too vulnerable.
I still get flashbacks of that Hell fantasy, even though it was decades ago that I had the psychotic break. I remember that during the break I was sleeping outside in parks and places like that because I was afraid of being indoors at night. Everyone thought I was on drugs, but in truth I wasn't.
Now I'm trying to live on a limited income, raising my own food in a little garden, battling my health problems, and trying to still the wild emotions that plague me...trying to understand it all.
For years I half-believed friends and family who told me I was mentally ill. Then I got some counseling and found out that I was actually healthy mentally, that the emotional chaos in my life is something people go through when they are subject to stress they can't handle.
Then some buried childhood memories began surfacing...a brutal and abusive father who beat the family dog so severely at times she had to stay in the basement because she could not climb the stairs...a mother who stayed drunk most of the time and never gave me affection...traumatic abuse by a sister who terrorized me when I was very young by sneaking into my room late at night, disguising her voice, and threatening me in the dark. No one believed that little boy who said there was a dark figure who terrorized him late at night.
At school I got beat up a lot because I was weak and sickly and who knows why else. As I moved up to sixth through eighth grade, I became the favorite target of a psychopath who endlessly tormented me. Within a year after graduation, he wound up in a federal penitentiary after he got caught kidnapping and torturing little boys. I remember he used to stab me a lot with sharp things and leave deep puncture wounds.
I had more trauma as a young adult, just when I was getting out of the bad stuff and starting to have a life. I wound up having a psychotic break where I kept thinking I had died and gone into Hell and demons were tormenting me. I had severe flashbacks for years and years after that. For a long time I had to sleep on the floor in my clothes because getting undressed and sleeping in a raised bed made me feel too vulnerable.
I still get flashbacks of that Hell fantasy, even though it was decades ago that I had the psychotic break. I remember that during the break I was sleeping outside in parks and places like that because I was afraid of being indoors at night. Everyone thought I was on drugs, but in truth I wasn't.
Now I'm trying to live on a limited income, raising my own food in a little garden, battling my health problems, and trying to still the wild emotions that plague me...trying to understand it all.
I love this group. Again welcome RichieD.
I understand why the memories get repressed, it allows us to function without being in pain all the time. What is strange to me is how the experiences we seem to have forgotten can wreak such havoc in our lives. Things we have no conscious memory of...yet they seem to be the source of strange behaviors, anxieties and even terrors...and often we don't know why we are so afraid.
I was ashamed of being that way, boys and young men are supposed to be tough and self-assured. So it all got buried even more deeply.
Now, for reasons I don't understand, a lot of it is coming up to the surface again. What I feel now is anger over what was done to me. I would say anger is better than repressed fear. Maybe it's a step in a good direction. At least it's much less likely that I'll let anyone get me under their thumb again.
I've been on DS for a while now, up till now just for chronic medical issues. I've noticed that people who are blessed with good health and fortunate circumstances tend to be impatient with those of us who haven't had such an easy life. It's much the same for either mental or physical health.
I think of my brother-in-law walking on up ahead of me and standing there waiting for me at our destination, fidgeting impatiently. I have problems with my walking and he doesn't. The decent thing for him to do would have been to slow down and stay beside me so I don't feel so handicapped and disadvantaged.
But that's not what people do. They expect us to keep up with them, and they act put out when we can't. To me it just showcases their lack of empathy. Maybe that's a greater disability.
I am one of the worst for being that way. You'll see it sooner or later with me. Someone will say something and I'll let them have it and most people will realize, "Oooh, she was just triggered, somehow" and leave it at that. I hope this helps and I'm sorry if you were hurt by someone but it is good that you fumed about it. I'm all for that too!
Wow that is so profound! Sometimes I think the reason why my childhood was so bad was so that I would care so much for my daughter who was born with spina bifida, my son who is autistic and adhd. I have tons of patience with them.
I do sometimes get upset because they take things for granted. I haven't decided weather or not to tell them about my life. My mom did that and it made me feel weird...ok I just made up my mind. Thanks...look what you all have done for me! OMG I litterally feel like a weight just lifted off my shoulders. I didn't even know that bothered me.
I had noticed that sometimes people are apologetic about going off the original topic of a thread and I wanted to free potential posters from feeling constrained in what they discussed in this one.
I used my sometimes annoying brother-in-law to illustrate the way our families and partners tend to lose patience with us when we flounder in our mental and physical problems. They don't know what it's like to deal with our issues, so they tend to be dismissive and unsympathetic.