Yeah, arfie, your description of your recovery journey as having been "my long and winding recovery road" led me back to one of my original spiritual sources as a kid. Don't laugh-we get spiritual support where we can find it. It was The Beatles. Sending it on to you, in case you can find a use for it, too, no matter how shallow it may be coming from my pop music as it does. Their song "The Long and Winding Road" has lyrics that say:

"Many times I've been alone
And many times I've cried
Anyway, you'll never know
The many ways I've tried
And still they lead me back
To the long, winding road"

Seems like somebody there knew what you were talking about somehow. Sending you support for today's journey.

without plagiarism, we would have no culture ~mark twain

the very source i adapted that line from, muji. i was 16 and homeless the year that song came out. good luck convincing me the song is not about me, but that is the mark of a great song. everybody relates to it like it as it it is their own. the beatles had more than one song like that.

another of my faves from that very same album
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QDYfEBY9NM4.

Well, if you don't try, you definitely don't do, I was taught as a kid, so it makes sense to me.

It took me a long time to learn, I am not qualified.
I am not qualified to judge myself.
I am not qualified to blame myself.
I am not qualified to subject myself to whatever punishment or torture I think or feel i might deserve.

Rather than practice my addictions, which not only cause self harm but also harm every person who cares for me (when you hurt someone's loved one you hurt them) I have learned to practice self care. I extend forgiveness to myself. I am gentle with me. I am patient and kind with myself. I refuse all blame, judgment or punishment. I take responsibility for my actions and my words. There is a marked difference between taking responsibility, and self blame, self hatred, self deprecation. IN short, i practice treating myself with the same care compassion and empathy I treat others.

I practiced my addictions and self hatred for 32 years. Somtimes I still practice those things, unaware. As soon as I become aware, I change the dialogue in my head to self care and treat myself just as i would someone I love.

My grace is sufficient, it is something I often face when I've felt defeated by challenges that are over my own good will and best effort. Hence why it's important to rely on faith, hope, and emulation to be Loved (grateful and thankful) above all. At the end of the day, sleeping with a grateful and peaceful heart is worthy of a successful day in the making.

Ever heard of the term, do and labor in silence, since your reward is in heaven for your Heavenly Father knows and sees all things... will reward you in secret. <e