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Update: I have received a new temporary order of protection since I've last written here. The next upcoming court date will be on October 7th. Everything was pushed up.
Quite honestly, I am not even sure why I am still alive. I am not sure if I can continue going through all the motions of ptsd and depression. I can't tell whether I am alive. I feel sick to the point of passing out. I am literally just floating.
You know what surprised me a few days ago? I received news from my brother's ex-girl, that she had left my brother and is currently pressing new charges on him. She is going forward with the charges and she is creating a better life for herself and her daughter, (my niece). I could not believe what I had heard. It's a personal thing so I can't have my parents know, but that doesn't bother me. What does is I just don't know how to believe her, since our relationship is not solid between us.
Point in case, it made me realize that maybe for once, my actions have left an imprint on her that allowed her to make those choices fir herself. Maybe for once, I am leaving behind something that can be followed and the curse of abuse can be broken. I have a hard time accepting this, but it made me think and it's big news for me.
I feel so close to death and my body/mind has extensive damage, that I am considering some vacation time, even though money has been tight at home. I don't know if I am asking for too much from my parents, but I feel as if I've compromised so many of my choices that I should have a time away from home, just to see some new faces and spend time with family I have not seen in quite a while.
I don't know what to think. I am drawing a blank and I am scared that if I don't take some time off, I might break and explode. I just don't think I can take anymore compromises and standby's, I need a time off now.
God, please. Psalm 38.
Quite honestly, I am not even sure why I am still alive. I am not sure if I can continue going through all the motions of ptsd and depression. I can't tell whether I am alive. I feel sick to the point of passing out. I am literally just floating.
You know what surprised me a few days ago? I received news from my brother's ex-girl, that she had left my brother and is currently pressing new charges on him. She is going forward with the charges and she is creating a better life for herself and her daughter, (my niece). I could not believe what I had heard. It's a personal thing so I can't have my parents know, but that doesn't bother me. What does is I just don't know how to believe her, since our relationship is not solid between us.
Point in case, it made me realize that maybe for once, my actions have left an imprint on her that allowed her to make those choices fir herself. Maybe for once, I am leaving behind something that can be followed and the curse of abuse can be broken. I have a hard time accepting this, but it made me think and it's big news for me.
I feel so close to death and my body/mind has extensive damage, that I am considering some vacation time, even though money has been tight at home. I don't know if I am asking for too much from my parents, but I feel as if I've compromised so many of my choices that I should have a time away from home, just to see some new faces and spend time with family I have not seen in quite a while.
I don't know what to think. I am drawing a blank and I am scared that if I don't take some time off, I might break and explode. I just don't think I can take anymore compromises and standby's, I need a time off now.
God, please. Psalm 38.
That's so great that your actions may have helped one other person. Your strength (even though you may not feel strong) is saving people. May the chain continue.
For me, I had reached a melting point one time and I looked into "going away" for a while. I found the Caron Foundation in PA which is close to me. Maybe there's something like that for you. It was intensive family of origin work for one week. I don't know if you would be a candidate for something like that, but I thought I'd post that suggestion. Perhaps if you talk to them, they could give you some leads in your area. There is FA available. I can tell you more in a PM if you are interested.
(This is not an ad, btw!)
I hope today you pat yourself on the back, for being a fighter, and inspiring her to also fight. Her withdrawal from the situation is her first step. You and your actions opened the door to seeing his behavior for what it is, not what she wanted it to be.
Be it ever so awful, she now understands some of your pain, making her an ally for your cause. The old saying "Politics makes strange bedfellows" also applies to us PTSD'ers from abuse, sufferers
Kudo's and gentle hugs for you today.
You've come a long way baby - and in a very good direction. Kudos to you. When we are strong it does empower others to seek their own better lives.
As for the vacation, that is a separate issue. I know I can feel like I've had a mental vacation just walking around in a public place like a park or a mall - the free stay-cation. You will need to sort out your finances to decide what will be best. for you.