I hear you loud and clear, kaisad. There's a similarity in our stories that brought us here to DS PTSD.

My missionary parents were eventually deported by the police from a South American country for their bad behavior. Though I've mentioned it elsewhere, what you said made me mindful not to mention the country in this reply. Getting kicked out of places in my family is real. I try to be careful not to take after them in lots of ways, in that way included.

TRIGGER WARNING

I got PTSD from growing up abroad, too, in a declared official local civil war that went on for 6 years. Fighting centered at the end in my neighborhood. I was the victim of a car bombing by a leftist rebel when I was 9.

Then I was the victim of torture by a government army right wing death squad officer. He ended his session with me by pulling his side arm and pulling the trigger on it twice while holding it to my temple. Lucky for me, I peed my pants but the gun jammed-twice. I was 15.

My missionary family already brought lots of psychological baggage overseas with them from the USA. My dad beat my mom while I was growing up. However, living in an active war zone increased that behavior in the home, so I have PTSD from that, too.

Then to add to the mix there was a pedophile because of a US military adviser sent down by the US government to assist the military in its civil war. He violated 5 of us at my elementary school.

When I was diagnosed with PTSD, it took 12 years to get down to work on those issues for me in therapy. Most therapists I had didn't understand, it was all too foreign to them. Plus, it involved overlapping categories of PTSD that were usually separate for most therapists: they wanted to talk about the sexual assault or the domestic violence or the combat PTSD. Take your pick. They weren't used to a patient who had all three intertwined as was the case with me.

Fortunately, when I moved to a new job and got a new therapist (who I will call "F" here) I happened to find the right one for me. F worked for the VA by day and took on clients like me at night. To boot, F happened to go to the same church I joined.

I write this because I get how hard it is right now for you to be back in the country where it all happened to you. I wasn't going back, either, However, F did the right kind of work with me to the point that he proposed "exposure therapy" for me. He meant that it was time for me to expose myself to the place where it all happened so I could conquer some of the fear I was carrying around.

It was carefully planned. For starters, I didn't do it alone. I graduated from college way back in 1979, but I'd kept in touch with my old college roommate. He'd met me when I was 17 fresh from South America only a couple years after I'd been tortured there at 15. He'd lived with me through my nightmares and he knew the story, so he could be my support.

We went down together, and he took a photo of me standing at the street corner where the car bombing happened. And on and on. I didn't have to be exposed to those triggering spots all on my own.

After that I have kept going back, just because it was a big novelty in my life not to be afraid of those places any more. Every time I went back I felt a little more empowered. Now I'm down in Latin America thinking of retiring back down here permanently, if you can believe that.

It sounds like a miraculous turn around, but it didn't happen like that. It happened gradually, and with therapy support and a companion traveler, my old college roommate.

I can understand how it would be too much for you to be there experiencing all of triggers there alone. I wish you had a companion with you like I had in my old college roommate. Barring that at this point now, then let us be your travel companions to support you via this online connection here at DS PTSD, ok? You're not alone.

Thank you Muji for taking the time to reply. Yes is extremely HARD. The words they use are like i am being stabbed.

I know it feels that way. My only consolation I can offer is that it's true that it feels that way, yet it isn't true that it always is that way. Folks are mostly going about their own business, too, just in the manner of their own folk ways.

It was a real breakthrough for me to find one person in my foreign environment who understood me. It's amazing we connected, because we were so different.

I'm straight, he was gay.
I'm a big guy, he was a little fellow.
I'm a gringo, he was Latino.
My family leaned conservative politically, his dad was an actual socialist.
My folks were tee-totallers, his dad hit the bars hard every weekend.

And on and on.

I think maybe our being so different made it safer for me to let him in so I could connect to somebody down there. It really was my breakthrough as to being able to share with somebody all of that pain I had bottled up. It was also my breakthrough as to being afraid of all that was around me because of what had happened to me there.

By the same token, he told me that having me as a confidant helped him come out about being gay, helped him with what became his dad's alcoholism, stuff that I didn't realize I was a support for.

Eventually, I came to the States and then, surprise of surprises, he ended up moving up here, too. We're several states away from each other, but I'm glad to see that knowing me did his future some good and he immigrated. I didn't get him to or even help him to, but it flowed from our friendship.

Now I'm going to immigrate in retirement in the other direction because my friendship with him helped me overcome my fears of growing up in Latin America so much I want to retire here.

That one breakthrough with that one person in Latin America made that much of a difference in my life.

That is awesome i wish i could find someone like that but i'm very triggered by this culture and its people and language.

I HATE being called "Mam". There is a HUGE cultural backstory between my parents that goes into explaning why this is a trauma to me, rather than just an annoyance. The area I grew up in...the expression wasn't commonly used. But I have since moved to a part of the country where it isn't just common, but it's considered one of THE polite ways to address people.

So...it's a catch-22.

Individually, with people I know...they will either understand or not. Culturally, I have to just suck it up and deal with it. I know that people don't understand it's meaning to me, and well...the world isn't going to change just for me. Even for the people who care, they'll have days when they're tired, or not thinking and revert to their standard way of talking. It's not about "me".

On the other hand, some people definitely do it to be mean. Passive-aggressive. Those people are SCUM. (((I'm atheist. I now know that I'm not the only one who has faced this. There are youtube videos on what "bless your heart" really means. Blessings! (sorry, I didn't mean it. That was snarky of me.)

Is being ignorant of the fact that calling someone "sweetie" is an insult an excuse? ***shrugs*** (Why do I feel the need to post backup?)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/detours-and-tangents/201705/please-don-t-call-me-hon

***

So, well I understand. I face the same sorts of things (although it sounds like I face them on a MUCH smaller scale.)

OMG Patti you hit the nail on the head!
We grew up in a latin country i was forced to live like an animal in a warehouse being drugged and rape for a YEAR. i was 13.
We were an American family living there due to businesses my father own there.

They referred to me as "Senora" which actually translate to Mrs..........I do not even want to go into it.

So i am in that country right now. Every time i heard that word then i used to start beating my own self up out of desperation then, i was 13 i was nobody's "senora" i was a child being held against my will forced to have a child of a pedophile and a rapist!

So now every person that calls me "Senora" i POLITELY tell them "Don't call me Senora i am not married or have children i never have been married or have children" i do it politely and they do NOT have to call you that.
It happens in restaurants, stores, the Gym.

In fact they could just say "Oh ok" "Que le traigo?" ("what can i get you?") that's all. Instead 9 times out of 10 they go "Ok SENORA!" on PURPOSE!!

That is like IF i was a waitress and i called someone "sir" and they said "oh don't call me Sir just call me by my name David" and instead of saying "Oh ok David what can i get you?" i would say "oh ok SIR!" to irk him.

I have NO idea why they purposely want to irk you. Its bizarre and mean spirited.

One time in a restaurant where i was a regular customer and tipping them very well. I told the waiter "Oh don't call me Senora i feel better if you just address me as tu".
Well the other people at the restaurant got into MY conversation and started saying "He calls you Senora out of respect!" the whole restaurant ganged up against me!!
Imagine they call women senora out of respect but they do NOT respect another person polite conversation with her waiter. I was not rude to him, just politely asked him to not call me that a much friendly word is "tu".

So then i told the other customers "I am not talking to you, i'm talking to my waiter" The owner came and threw me out!! in the most humiliating way.
He said "Senora you are bothering my customers get out of here!!"

They are just so cruel. I feel like is me against this country and right now i can not leave.
But THANK PATTI, you understand. "People" NO they do not have to change for me or you or anyone, but there is NO harm is saying "Please do not address me as Senora" i am actually not one. Never been married nor have children.

Its also a very antiquated Colonial vocabulary. To use those terms like Senora and Senorita "Senorita" means miss or someone who is a virgin. Imagine that kind of language in the freaking year 2019.

In fact i am doing them a favor in educating them as to terms that are divisive. They use "Senora" for older women, lighter skin women, upper class women,. Where i am at a person from a poor hood will use a different term to address a person from a rich hood. Same as a person with dark skin will use a different term to address a person of light skin.

So its not only that it triggers me for personal reasons. Frankly is a very divisive, racist, vocabulary.

Thank you again. You understood this 150% thank you!!

I think that some of it is habit and they truly don't realize how much it's hurting you

Some may be doing it on purpose but a lot of people don't understand the triggers of PTSD and as Muji wrote are caught up in their own stuff

I'm so sorry that you're hurting.... Big hug.....xo

Once you tell someone politely not to do it and they do it again, it is on purpose.

Exactly.

Quite frankly, bullies (because that is what they are), do it because of the reaction/triggers/ptsd, not in spite of them.

I agree that if you've told someone to stop it and they don't respect that then it's purposeful.... I'm sorry that you've been triggered and hurt....xo

Kaisad, I agree with you. I have had both good and not good experiences in foreign countries, but the good vastly out weighed the not good. It is unfortunate that you are in a country with clear rules of how to address you, but the term is a trigger. Laughter by a store full of people, who could easily understand that I needed cat food, came in the very not good category. The labels on the cans had no pictures, so it was a bad situation. Wish there was a magic button that would stop folks from triggering us. When we can't change a culture, we must adapt and forge ahead. Some places the men are the only ones listened to. Unfair, yes; an adaptation to a temporary situation, also yes. Coming from a military family, perhaps you could receive help from the closest base. Comforting hugs as this struggle continues.

Thank you SimpsonsOK, yes tradition die hard and for some reason in some countries they are so ingrained in them. They feel threatened by the slightest question of them. Yeah in the country i am at right now they also treat woman different than men, If you're sitting at a restaurant and a man comes in after you they'll attend to him first. Not always but it has happened to me.

Very difficult when a trigger is very, very strong. I have a lot of triggers some are mild, some moderate and some make understand why people get a machine gun and start shooting.......i am not someone who would do that, but just sayin, yeah i get it.
My father died already he was a WW2 vet. Hrmm maybe something to look into. But not sure i still would be able to ask for help at a base.
Virtual hugs.

I know what you mean about the treatment of men and women in the country you speak of, I've seen it there, too. It baffles me, then, as someone who goes back and forth from that part of the world and the USA that it's the USA who hasn't had a woman president yet, while that culture (not that country in particular) has elected a woman 5 times. Talk about compartmentalizing behavior, huh? I'm not saying that as a criticism, as a psychology instructor I'm truly baffled by the split thinking behind it.

Yes is very complex, very!! One the one hand the country i'm at they are very liberal almost too much!

They allow people to protest naked. I was on my way downtown when i saw 1000s naked and got an eyeful i would have rather do without. Imagine the children coming out of schools having to see THAT.

They're decriminalizing sex in public unless someone complains but then it will not be a crime, a misdemeanor , the cops can only tell them to go get a room, although abortion is still illegal.
Their newest is that boys are allowed to wear skirts to schools and a gender neutral uniform for all schools.
Ok that i kind of like.

And besides ALL of that they are also able to maintain a certain asinine stubbornness about traditions like "how dare you tell me to call you TU not Usted?!! we do it out of respect! and we've been doing it since the 1500s!!" ..........................................................wow :O

Did I ever share to you what country the pedophile was from who abused me when I was 10 years old? He abused 4 other kids in my elementary school, too. He was from the USA, a military adviser to Uruguay, where I grew up after years growing up first in Mexico.

The war in Uruguay got to my USA parents more than me because they didn't understand what was going on, so they got really violent in the home. I hadn't chose to be there or in Mexico, I was there for their work.

My only choice for my own safety, not just in terms of those countries but in terms of our home no matter what country we lived in--was to get away from them at 17 then.

But that meant to go to the USA where that pedophile lived. It seemed he'd gone back and gotten away with it, so I was afraid of coming to the USA.

It turned out he didn't get away with it here, though. He came here and molested kids again, but this time he got caught and the USA's justice system put him in prison.

I don't know if I've shared this with you before, but I've said it here many times. Then in addition to legal justice, he got poetic justice: a fellow inmate in prison stabbed him to death. Child molesters in prison are unpopular.

Sorry if I sound harsh saying that it was justice, but I have to be honest that it helped me feel that I wasn't in danger in a new country--in this case, the USA, my passport country but not the country where I'd grown up. I learned there are bad people from different countries, and there are people good people in different countries who won't tolerate them no matter what the country may be.

It was reassuring, even if it sounds like I'm being vindictive, kaisad. The USA was a foreign country though it was my passport country at the time, and knowing pedophiles weren't welcome no matter where from helped.