I'm hoping that venting your super negative will make for a more sincere positivity when you find your way back to it.

My least favorite part of the trigger effect is how one casually moronic statement can drag up such a barrage of memories I wish I didn't have. Hope you regain your balance soon, Anja.

Rape is always the fault of the rapist. So sorry your mom is ignorant and that it triggered you. It's good you got angry - that's the part of you that knows it's not true. There's no reason for YOU to feel worthless because YOU are not a rapist, you were just an innocent kid who behaved like a million innocent kids before you.

For years my mom blamed me for how a pedophile molested me and 4 other kids in my elementary school. The court system thought differently, and tried and convicted him and sent him to prison. In prison, another inmate thought differently, too, and stabbed him to death in crude jailhouse justice.

It's sad to think that my mom thought less of my innocence than the court system and even a prison inmate. But I can see that my mom wasn't the only one to blame the victim.

It wasn't your fault or mine. Our moms were wrong and you and I both were innocent.

I am so sorry this happened to you. It was not your fault. You were a child. What they did to your was both immoral and illegal. I am sorry that your mother doesn't have compassion. I don't understand so many people.

triple hugs you did nothing wrong. and you are not just a victim, you are a survivor. and that says a lot about your strength.

I am a survivor too. We wear purple. ~

TW..........Hello anja,
I am so sorry you had to go through abuse as often as you did. It is normal to be angry, and it is part of your healing process.. Where did these terrible mothers come from , that they can all get away with allowing someone to sexually abuse their child. The mothers are in the wrong.
I know this because I had a terrible mother also who allowed the abuse to go on for years after she was told. My mother told me all little boys and girls play with each other its normal. But I was 8 years old when my brother started to touch me in places he shouldn't, I disclosed it got no where. My father was working away from home logging. so I only saw him for a very short period of time and my mother threatened me if I brought up the crap about being abused. At that time I did not know what sexual abuse was or molestation. I went to school and the PE teacher saw bruises on the inside of my thigh , asked me I said it was from rough playtime. she asked me who was playing with me that rough and I said. I didn't know it was wrong because my mother kept telling me lies to keep me quiet.. Well it all stopped then My mother was called into the office of course she lied black is white. she didn't know about it and I am sure she got hurt riding horses at her cousins. Except we never had got horse back riding. . My mother told me to stop telling lies or I would be taken away to a bad place where I would get only bread and water, and live in the basement . I asked does it have windows. She said of course don't be stupid. I answered well then it must be better than where I sleep , cause I live in a closet, which is cold , and dark and has no windows. It felt normal I slept in a hall closet, a linen closet.

Seems funny now to say I came out of the closet, words don't mean the same thing at all. But my mother lied again when I was asked about that. Everything changed when my dad got home all the boys slept in one bed in one room and I got my own room with a window I was so happy. I wondered do I tell my dad the rest or not . My mother threatened me an inch of my life. Which meant to me she would kill me if I talked. Some mothers are horrible. I promised myself if I ever had kids I would protect them.
It is normal to feel worthless, and have very low or no self esteem. medication will not heal that time does. it takes time and the right therapist to help you deal with all of your issues. I know that too from experience.
I am glad the court system worked for you it never worked for me in any of my times when I needed it.
If you want to chat I will share more of my life, and maybe it will help you. I am here for you as a friend, to give support, self assurance, and to make you feel worth,. You are a good person, you made the right choice coming to Ds there are many people who will share their stories, and try and help you. You are acting totally normal for what has happened to you. You need to get a workbook on Healing sexual abuse. I will send you the authors name. It helped me out amazingly. It won't go away over night and I hope when you have your first sexual experience that it is a good one. that you have someone caring, loving and will to take their time with you so that you can feel how amazing real love feels. Plus how when you make love with someone who loves you it will help heal you. When you find that right person, they will share what love making is, giving you the real special feeling of being touched without feeling dirty , or wrong. I remember I felt like I was walking on clouds, there was no pain, my first true love, gave me a true sexual experience that was amazing and wonderful. He share his life with me. Showing me the right way to touch and feel. This person helped to take away my fear and anger. I hope you have or you will find someone like that.
Because I know you are a caring ,loving person, who deserve to feel special, to have self esteem, to know you are pretty, kind, and beautiful. To share life's experiences with you,, to tell you, and show you, what love is all about. I believe there is that one person in the world for everyone. I am glad you came to DS because there are some amazing people here, who will uplift you and give you support. .Try and allow yourself time to heal. I am here if you want to talk. Gentle hugs Casey

Thanks everyone. For the support first time I am getting help for these things. I’m angry at my family right now. I feel they offer no moral support. I was never taken away from my parents. I feel guilty for being mad

I have come to believe that feeling guilty for my emotions is like feeling guilty because I sneezed. There are things which are beyond my control. The quicker I find a tissue and blow my nose, the fewer goobers I will spray across my environment. The snot knots clogging my nose are not a character judgment.

Keep venting, Anja. Venting the emotions makes it allot easier to sort the facts and decide what to do with them. Ah-h-h-h choo. . .

I'm sorry your going through this, the betrayal of a caregiver is so deeply devastating that those of us, including you, need a lot of support and often meds to help in learning to cope with it.. You are not at fault. What your mother said was probably what she was told to justify maybe her fathers actions towards her. It's likely that she too was abused by him. Abusers inside and outside the family work on shaming, fear, and threats and excuses of all kinds to try to keep us silent. First off, stay away from the abusers, cut them off from any access to you what so ever. Take your meds, and get some therapy that will help you. No one med or one therapist fits all. Sometimes it's a bit of trial and error to get a good support system in place. There are many of us survivors of abuse here, all of us understand, you are not alone.

I have to agree with those who put the blame where it rightfully belongs.....On the adults or the rapist. I found that the road to forgiveness started with accepting the truth of the past. In my case it was my mother who was the ultimate divisionist and denialist. Driving away even the least desirable of family who came to see her as being so far over the Cuckoo's nest that communications needed to be broken. I can only hope that in her afterlife, she has found that innocence lost.

I’m sorry you went through this and I’m also sorry to say that you are not alone. Hugs.

I am so very sorry that you've suffered these devastating events Anja......Rape and molestation is ALWAYS the fault of the predator

I'm also really sorry that your mother has let you down in such an awful way... I am guessing as well that if your Grandfather did this to you then her father did it to her and she was told this crap....

I'm guessing this may be the case??

I was really glad to see that you're in therapy now..... xo

So sorry you had to go through all this. My Mom ignored all what I told her as a wee one, my sister was older, 5 and she ignored her words too. That is the worse part that our Mom's did not listen or protect.. SOmething is wrong with them to not to protect their cubs

So sorry for the triggered response. Not to excuse it, but mom may have been abused as a child and told something similar. I agree, parents should protect their children. Unfortunately, some parents may not know how. Please consider going back to your full dose of antidepressant temporarily to help you through this. Do you have a counselor or someone you can talk with? Perhaps journaling will help you vent those feelings. You are strong and God is faithful to keep you through this. You are not worthless by any means as all life has purpose. Prayers for continued strength and courage.