I've learned here on DS PTSD that I'm like a lot of us, it takes a while for me to know what I'm feeling, sometimes a long time.
Last week I mentioned that I'm blessed with an on campus interview for a new job next week as one of 3 finalists for a promotion to department chair at a university. It would be a big promotion for me, because I'm now just a senior instructor at a community college.
As I prepare, I know there's a least a big 66% chance that one of the other 3 finalists will with the job. But since there's that 33% chance I might be chosen for the job, I am preparing for good fortune. I bought a new pair of dress shoes, a new navy blazer, I got a new pair of gray slacks to match, I got a hair cut yesterday and the hair stylist touched up my gray hairs so I'll look as young and energetic as I can look.
That's the physical stuff. I'm preparing my demonstration lesson I have to teach during my on campus interview day next Friday March 16th, too. So there's the academic stuff.
It's the emotional stuff that's tricky for me right now. As I do the job of getting myself into the mind set of the 33% chance I might get the job, I'm feeling guilty. My guilt is about having mixed emotions on the verge of a blessed opportunity. I'm afraid, to be honest, and that's getting in the way of my emotional preparation. Last week I mentioned I was afraid because my estranged family lives near this university, but your support helped me get past that fear.
Like I said, it takes me a long time to know how I feel, but I figured out I had more fear in me beyond fear of my estranged family this morning after teaching psych 2 classes. Now I realize I have a different fear, just a generalized PTSD case of fear.
My PTSD symptoms are that I'm having trouble sleeping from it. I've felt like crying for no apparent reason, too, when I think I should be happy to be a finalist for a big job promotion, even if I don't get it.
I realize my PTSD is getting triggered a lot as March 16th approaches, because change makes me hypervigilant. I've been stuffing my fear because I feel guilty about having any other feeling than joy before an blessed opportunity.
Can anybody here relate? Support?
Hello everyone. I'm not new here, been a member since I think 2008, but I haven't been on here much in the last 2 years. I had a hard time with the change of this site, but also I've been in counseling for 2 years so I haven't used this as my outlet. Also I am almost NEVER on my computer anymore. I keep myself busy with TV, Youtube watching, not recording, although I'd love to figure out...