I'm not sure if it's the same as what you're going through, but my mother's words in my ear would undercut everything I ever did. I was never good enough, and my challenges were small little things that I should never have been worried about. Mistakes were unforgivable, Well and on and on. All packaged in her "support". Facts, dates, figures, quotes, references, I was nothing. What I was going through was nothing and she could prove it.

I pretended that it didn't affect me, but it did deeply.

And lots and lots and lots and lots of LABELS. Psychological Munchhausen by Proxy?

I never knew where or when the attack would be coming from. Mixed in with how good she was going to be making herself look to whoever could most embarrass me.

I do well when I'm in my safe zone. Risking anything that matters to me...I shake. A true Pandora's box threatens to open.



Hugs Muji, there's not a blipping emotion that I wouldn't COMPLETELY understand.

First, I think a congrats is in order regardless of what happens with the interview. Getting that far through the process means you are pretty darn good and you are respected a great deal by your peers. For me, I fear nearly anything, especially change so I can relate. Sometimes it helps if I refocus on the present, even small steps. Maybe slow the hamster of fear by refocusing on how well you prepped and highlighted your talents to provide the opportunity? Regardless I want to pass along a high five for kicking butt already ☺️

Fear seems natural and mixed feelings seem natural. I'm sorry you're feeling guilt for having mixed feelings - that seems awfully harsh. I also want to congratulate you for getting this far! I hope you can let yourself appreciate that as a "win" regardless of the final outcome. And if you don't get this job, perhaps the interview process is a warmup for the next one.

oh, ((((((((((((((( muj ))))))))))))))))
your insight sounds right on. you've battled, fought thru, pressed in and on, you've won, so many times and come thru with more information - more insights.

you choose to find them when you are able, this is another thing you do - that we see you do.

yeah. it is not something to feel guilty about, is it? you wouldn't want any of us to feel guilty for these feelings, i know you wouldn't.

it is so horrible that we do know how it feels to either not be able to feel 'good' yet, or happy, joy - but you've worked thru all of the difficult feelings, you've agreed with yourself to face the fear and continue standing, knowing you had already survived. you have done all it took to get thru that hell to now have the ability to feel joy when something really great happens in your life xo

it makes sense it is so hard to let yourself have it. it is such a cruel part of having PTSD that the sickness of it tells us we don't deserve anything goodto ever come our way :(

i hope we can convince you that you sure do deserve this wonderful job, that they are so fortunate to find you!!! i hope they are smart enough to see who they found and choose you :O) the biggest encouraging hugs, you deserve this more than any of us can tell you xo

standing ovation xoxoxxoxo

also, ditto patti, every single word

Puma purrs of support. Can't think what to say other than that.

I know that fear as well muji. I think your pants/jacket choices are excellent. Hair cut and touch up as well. So your prepared.
I think its more than understandable that being near where the man who abused you adds to it. I believe you can do this muji. I don't have anything to help you go through it . You have great courage and you also have the right to be yourself. Your a teacher through and through. Maybe not let your own worth and work be diminished by anyone. Wishing you good energy next Friday.

I think you just helped me figure out something I’ve been wondering for years...,,I tend to sabotage great opportunities....I could have gone to s great college, but I didn’t apply. I could have gotten a masters or PhD and done some really unique work with onenof the most prestigious professors in my chosen field. She was recruiting me. But I didn’t apply. I believed lies others were telling me - that my perspective didn’t matter and my opinion as a milato was irrelevant and lacking depth. Right now you’re believing lies too. You are worth it. You deserve this. You’ve worked hard for this. Nothing will stop you if you get the job. You will be exactly where you need to be if you go there. You will teach, enlighten and help so many people. You’re a great professor and an even better person. You are allowed to feel joy and you are allowed to feel nervous/fearful. The Muji I’ve read about will look fear in the face and sign in to tell us how he crushed it. I’ll be praying for you.

(((((Gentle hugs)))))

(((((((hugs)))))) muji....

Big squishy hug Muji.... I think you will be amazing for this job and they'll be fortunate to have you

I think most people are anxious when they're hoping for a big change in positions

Remember teaching is what you and you'll be great teaching the class.... Nothing new there..... You can do this and do it well

Sending you a blessing of calm .....xo

CaroliziesMamma, I'm glad this helped you figure out something a pattern of self-sabotage with you.

I have done that in the past, too. I'm really fortunate to have this chance this time and the good sense to ask for support so I don't choke.

Instead, as they say in sports, whatever the outcome, support helps me prepare to "leave it all on the field," as they say. Forgive me if I continue the sports analogy, but after reading all of the support and advice here I decided on a sports psychology approach, especially donnawanda's idea that it's a win whatever the outome. It's like I made it to the Superbowl. It would be great to win it, but it's nothing to get that far and be in it. So don't sabotage yourself, enjoy the hype as long as it lasts, and then "leave it all on the field."

I'm inclined more toward self-sabotage. So as March 16th approached I'm planning on posting requests for more support to keep that frame of mind strong with Daily Strength for that day.

Thank you and everyone SO MUCH for telling me to look past my nervousness to being able to tell you that I "crushed it." That's the sort of frame of mind I need to focus myself into this weekend as
I prepare.

As SunCloud said, "nothing new there... You can do this," right? Thanks for your "blessing of calm."

Thanks, Knee, for the energy for Friday after next. Donnawanda, for saying this is a "win" whatever happens because congratulations are in order for coming this far. Silver and lilmiss, for the hugs. Leo for the purrs. Kate for saying you can relate and for the high five and kicking butt already. Plus the smile. :-)

And thanks patti and Lilly by ditto for the standing ovation affirming insights about learning to embrace good things in life as a trauma survivor. It really validated the process I'm going through for you to mention that it feels like a "Pandora's box" opens at a time like this. Exactly. My mom was exactly as you say, a Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy mom, which is why I collaborated in my small part in a research article on MSbP last year. So that's exactly what I'm working through in preparation for this opportunity, so I'll be settled down about it all with calm when the time comes to be seated in that chair in the Dean's office March 16th.

I'll be back posting about that process two or three times more here to complete in advance. I'm inclined more toward self-sabotage. As March 16th approaches, then, I'm planning on posting requests for more support to keep that frame of mind strong with Daily Strength for that day. Thank you!

THAT's what you meant by MSbP. I know you used that abbreviation before but I didn't know what it stood for.

I really look up to you for your level of self awareness, your honesty and openness, and your ability to plan for what’s challenging. Thank you so much for being here. Next Friday will be fantastic!

Yeah, Patti, sorry if I used the abbreviation MSbP without explaining it before. In my small collaboration it was thrown around for a couple of years with folks so much I forgot to spell it out.

CaroliziesMamma, I have DS PTSD to thank for any level of awareness. It's a "logotherapy" Viktor Frankl idea of writing out PTSD feelings to sort them out to me. You're certainly welcome as far as my being here I'm so grateful myself.

I made note cards last night. I made one set of note cards with the things I want to say in my meeting with the Dean next Friday. Then I made a couple of note cards of what I want to say to my counterpart in the department I'd be joining. Lastly, I made a set of note cards with my audition lesson plan on them for the demonstration class I have to teach in front of the bosses to some students.

They're being really strict in my favor in that demonstration class. The rule is that no technology can be used at all. Only dry markers on a white board are allowed. Heck, I started teaching in 1980 when I taught high school. Back then there was no Internet for showing Youtubes in class, and there were no PowerPoints. This old dog learned them along the way to use in classes nowadays.

So it's kind of funny how the most anxiety-producing part of my on campus visit, that audition in front of everybody in a high stress setup, has rules that favor me as the geezer candidate. Ha!

It felt kind of good, then, to make my 10 note cards with my lesson plan on them for that moment. It settled me down to look at them and know I'd just have to write them on a white board and explain them like I know how to do. Hope it will be fantastic, as you say!