I've learned here on DS PTSD that I'm like a lot of us, it takes a while for me to know what I'm feeling, sometimes a long time.
Last week I mentioned that I'm blessed with an on campus interview for a new job next week as one of 3 finalists for a promotion to department chair at a university. It would be a big promotion for me, because I'm now just a senior instructor at a community college.
As I prepare, I know there's a least a big 66% chance that one of the other 3 finalists will with the job. But since there's that 33% chance I might be chosen for the job, I am preparing for good fortune. I bought a new pair of dress shoes, a new navy blazer, I got a new pair of gray slacks to match, I got a hair cut yesterday and the hair stylist touched up my gray hairs so I'll look as young and energetic as I can look.
That's the physical stuff. I'm preparing my demonstration lesson I have to teach during my on campus interview day next Friday March 16th, too. So there's the academic stuff.
It's the emotional stuff that's tricky for me right now. As I do the job of getting myself into the mind set of the 33% chance I might get the job, I'm feeling guilty. My guilt is about having mixed emotions on the verge of a blessed opportunity. I'm afraid, to be honest, and that's getting in the way of my emotional preparation. Last week I mentioned I was afraid because my estranged family lives near this university, but your support helped me get past that fear.
Like I said, it takes me a long time to know how I feel, but I figured out I had more fear in me beyond fear of my estranged family this morning after teaching psych 2 classes. Now I realize I have a different fear, just a generalized PTSD case of fear.
My PTSD symptoms are that I'm having trouble sleeping from it. I've felt like crying for no apparent reason, too, when I think I should be happy to be a finalist for a big job promotion, even if I don't get it.
I realize my PTSD is getting triggered a lot as March 16th approaches, because change makes me hypervigilant. I've been stuffing my fear because I feel guilty about having any other feeling than joy before an blessed opportunity.
Can anybody here relate? Support?
I have been taking my meds for two weeks straight. Not missing or skipping them. Going to get a mri done because my head aches are so bad that it's driving my crazy. I keep telling my self theres something wrong with me from all the head abuse I have had. Pluse my neck is tight and sore. Stress is going to kill me. Hope you all are well
which is making me nervous. She is studying for her nursing finals this week. I want to hang out with her and talk but she is so nervous that she is screaming at me for so much as looking at her! I made her some eggs and toast so she didn’t have to stop studying to eat. Just have to hang in till tomorrow night and then she will settle down