I've learned here on DS PTSD that I'm like a lot of us, it takes a while for me to know what I'm feeling, sometimes a long time.
Last week I mentioned that I'm blessed with an on campus interview for a new job next week as one of 3 finalists for a promotion to department chair at a university. It would be a big promotion for me, because I'm now just a senior instructor at a community college.
As I prepare, I know there's a least a big 66% chance that one of the other 3 finalists will with the job. But since there's that 33% chance I might be chosen for the job, I am preparing for good fortune. I bought a new pair of dress shoes, a new navy blazer, I got a new pair of gray slacks to match, I got a hair cut yesterday and the hair stylist touched up my gray hairs so I'll look as young and energetic as I can look.
That's the physical stuff. I'm preparing my demonstration lesson I have to teach during my on campus interview day next Friday March 16th, too. So there's the academic stuff.
It's the emotional stuff that's tricky for me right now. As I do the job of getting myself into the mind set of the 33% chance I might get the job, I'm feeling guilty. My guilt is about having mixed emotions on the verge of a blessed opportunity. I'm afraid, to be honest, and that's getting in the way of my emotional preparation. Last week I mentioned I was afraid because my estranged family lives near this university, but your support helped me get past that fear.
Like I said, it takes me a long time to know how I feel, but I figured out I had more fear in me beyond fear of my estranged family this morning after teaching psych 2 classes. Now I realize I have a different fear, just a generalized PTSD case of fear.
My PTSD symptoms are that I'm having trouble sleeping from it. I've felt like crying for no apparent reason, too, when I think I should be happy to be a finalist for a big job promotion, even if I don't get it.
I realize my PTSD is getting triggered a lot as March 16th approaches, because change makes me hypervigilant. I've been stuffing my fear because I feel guilty about having any other feeling than joy before an blessed opportunity.
Can anybody here relate? Support?
Does anyone have anything interesting going on for the weekend?
Good morning.Winter storm here. By Southern standards. Everyone up north, it's 2-6 inches, which is a damn inconvenience. Storm requires not seeing 50 yards and/or the road.We're off to the hospital in about an hour for Hubby's bone marrow biopsy/aspirate. (One is solid and the aspirate is the liquid bit.) He's being sedated, b/c he hates needles so much. He'd definitely be the one to flinch and...